Are You A Narcissist or a Philanthropist?

Three examples of the damage narcissism can cause to philanthropic efforts.

Narcissists are extraordinarily self-centered people who have an exaggerated sense of their own importance. They are overly concerned with their own desires and interests over the needs of others. They make decisions solely to satisfy their ego.

Sound like anyone you know? Perhaps the last person you dated or an elected official? How about a donor or foundation leader?

Unfortunately, there are ample examples of narcissism disguised as philanthropy, and the damage these narcissists cause. Philanthropic narcissists drain the energy of people working tirelessly to create social change. They thwart talent when people are forced to deal with the drama and fallout caused by the narcissist, rather than the important work of helping others. They damage trust when community members thought they were working with funders toward a common goal and feel the rug was pulled out from beneath them.

Obvious examples of philanthropic narcissism are often splashed on the headlines, such as when billionaire Stephen Schwarzman donated $25 million to Abington School District but attached a long list of demands. His "gift" to renovate Abington Senior High School included the school being renamed after him, his name appearing on six building entrances, his portrait being prominently hung in the school, having approval over building design and contractors, and creating a new curriculum.

But narcissism in philanthropy goes deeper than scintillating headlines. It hides in unsuspecting places, such as among a group of colleagues who are ostensibly working together to improve services for youth. It crawls around undetected, out of the media spotlight, satisfying the ego needs of the philanthropists at the expense of community benefit.

There are countless examples of narcissism in philanthropy. Let’s look at three:

1.?????A foundation leader who held back concerns about a community-change effort until the opportunity arose to share them publicly -- when it is too late to make changes -- unleashing vitriolic criticism, humiliating those involved, and catalyzing a cascade of other problems. In this case the narcissist had ample opportunity to share concerns privately, but ignored requests for discussion and feedback, failed to attend key meetings, and stayed silent during other feedback sessions. Having virtually sunk the project, the narcissist positioned herself as the key decision-maker, the person whose opinion counts the most and whose approval must now be sought. The narcissists’ ego and sense of self-importance must be satisfied, regardless of the negative impact on the project and – more importantly – the human beings the collaborative effort sought to help.

2.?????The donor who, without warning, decided to cancel all strategic philanthropic initiatives currently underway, and return to being a responsive grantmaker. Effective immediately. Foundation staff were literally in the middle of country-wide, state-wide, and national funding initiatives, each of which had been previously approved by the donor. Each initiative involved multiple partners who were counting on this foundation’s participation. They weren’t just counting on the funding, which was significant. They were also counting on the deep expertise and content knowledge of the foundation staff, and the value of this funder’s name recognition and reputation.

Why did the donor do this? She decided she was tired of strategic philanthropy, where it might take years to realize systemic change. She liked transactional, responsive grantmaking better, where she could immediately see the impact of her dollars stuffing a backpack with school supplies or sending kids to camp. She was narcissistically overly concerned with her own desires and paid no attention to the damage she created by rapidly pulling out of long-term funding commitments.

3.?????The successful business leader who decided, on his own and almost without consulting anyone, to build a new medical clinic for Latinx residents of his community. The clinic was built, opened, struggled, and closed in less than two years. Why? There was already a clinic with a solid reputation serving the same community. He didn’t consult the Latinx community or learn about assets and needs. He just acted alone. His desire to be the “hero” outweighed his interest in truly helping people.

We’ve all encountered narcissists in our personal and professional lives. At best it’s simply boring to listen to them talk incessantly about themselves or boast about their lives on social media.

But as each of these examples shows, narcissism in philanthropy causes significant damage.

Narcissists hurt the very people philanthropy hopes to help. In the examples above, think of the damage caused to people because their health clinic closed, or needed services are delayed when previously committed funding must now be replaced. Narcissists cost money too.?Just think of the salary costs of dozens of professionals whose work must stop, while their attention is turned for weeks or months to making sense of, responding to, and managing the narcissist’s drama.

In my latest book, I describe how we all can inadvertently experience "delusional altruism." We easily get in our own way on the road to impact. In my experience narcissists in philanthropy are the exception, not the rule (thank god, or I’d find a new career!). The vast majority of philanthropy leaders I advise and coach are genuine in their altruism and desire to change the world. They want to continuously grow, learn, and improve. But we all need to be on the lookout for narcissistic philanthropists and the damage they can cause. They don’t deserve the power and glory they seek. And the people funders want to help deserve trustworthy philanthropic partners who have their eyes on the prize of healthy, happy, powerful, and prosperous families and communities.

If you’re contending with a narcissist in your philanthropic efforts and are unsure how to respond, message me here on LinkedIn or email me at [email protected] and we can brainstorm solutions.?And if you want to learn more be sure to buy a copy of my new book, Delusional Altruism: Why Philanthropists Fail to Achieve Change and What They Can Do To Transform Giving (Wiley).

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