Breaking The Pattern Of Dating Narcissists

The word narcissist has become the relationship and dating industry buzz word. Everyone has been talking about narcissists but what is a true narcissist? Because it might not be what you actually think!

Most people believe that a narcissist is someone who loves to take lots of selfies and they talk about themselves a lot. The truth is, that's not even close to what a true narcissist is.

A true narcissist actually has a psychological disorder as their empathy part of the brain is underdeveloped. They are able to see emotions but they are unable to feel emotions like a neurotypical person.

So what are the common signs of a narcissist? Here's a list of five below:

1. They don't take no for an answer as they have no respect for boundaries so they have a need to deviate from basic instructions or rules.
2. They are not accountable for their mistakes so they are unlikely to say sorry. When they do say sorry they will struggle to articulate what they are sorry for because of their lack of empathy will impair their understanding.
3. Lack of empathy for others, so when you tell them a sad story or tell them that you are unwell or feeling sad they will struggle to empathise or to ask you what you need etc. They will often change the subject back to them. For example "Well I had that cold and I didn't find it that bad. I was ok after 24hrs".
4. A need for attention and validation so depending on the type of narcissists will depend on how they seek out their need for attention or validation. For example if they are a grandiose narcissist they will feel the need to talk about their status and how amazing they are. If they are a covert narcissist they will act like a victim in order to get attention. For example "I'm no good for you, I wish I was good enough for you" by doing this they are seeking validation for someone to tell them that they are wrong and that they are good enough.
5. Manipulative & controlling behaviours that often uses their victims emotions or identity. For example "you are too needy", "only stupid people would think that way", "I only did that because you did that/I love you so much".

If you have found yourself in narcissistic relationships again and again and again then it's really important to understand how to heal and how to break the pattern. As narcissistic relationships are extremely damaging due to the way that they operate as they usually attack the victims identity to the point where they feel that they have lost themselves at the end of the relationship.

Here's a few signs that people experience after narcissistic abuse:

1. Questioning own emotions and trying to logically think their way out of the way that they feel. For example: "I shouldn't feel angry, because I knew what I was getting myself into".
2. Struggling to make simple decisions. Even buying milk can turn into a 5 minute decision when you are thinking about the brand and type of milk to buy because you are unsure which one is right for you.
3. Brain fog! Because you would have been in a heightened state from being in an narcissistic relationship (remember that feeling of treading on eggshells?) that your mind is often very cloudy and you can struggle with remembering things and decision making.
4. Having the narcissists voice still in your head and your decision making process. This is because during narcissistic abuse you become an extension of the narcissists identity. They have moulded you to believe the same things as them, so the healing process becomes rediscovering who you really are.
5. Closing yourself off from people as you are afraid of who to trust and you feel confused and ashamed of the experience that you have gone through. It's important to remember that many people go through this experience and it's not because of a lack of intelligence, it's because that someone has abused your big heart. Having a big heart is nothing to be ashamed of.

So now you understand what a narcissist is and how they can affect you, now it's time to understand how do you stop being a narcissist magnet.

It's really simple.

Childhood.

You see, childhood teaches us how we see ourselves and how we love and how we should be loved. The thing is, not everyone goes through childhood experiencing unconditional love. In fact, even if you had the most healthy and happy childhoods I would say that it's still unlikely that you experienced unconditional love. Why? Because we were rewarded when we were good and told off when we were bad.

In your childhood I want you to remember what your family appreciated the most in people? Was it money? Was it manners? Was it your lack of boundaries and eagerness to please? It's important to get a clear picture of what this was so you are able to see how this links back to your decision of entering a relationship with a narcissist.

For me personally (before I entered my healthy and loving relationship), I use to look for someone who was successful, self promoting and I felt a need to impress them in order to feel worthy. So I was the perfect applicant for a narcissistic relationship because I was keen to put them on a pedal stool. And this is often the case for many of my clients too.

It's important for you to consciously re-evaluate what is important to you in a loving relationship. Because when you start to notice how you feel around a narcissist, you begin to realise how exhausting that relationship is and how you get very little of what you really want.

The other important element to understand is that when people have been in narcissistic relationships, they can enter relationships that are on the completely other ends of the spectrum and these are relationships with people who are unclear of their own identity which hosts it's own issues as these relationships often are highly co-dependent in nature to the point where you feel like a parent in the relationship rather than a partner.

In a healthy relationship, you and your partner are equals! That's essential for chemistry and passion in a relationship. As often when chemistry disappears it's down to a lack of seeing eachother as equals as the relationship dynamic turns into a parent and child dynamic where the parent in the relationship feels completely responsible for the relationship an the child feels that they are unable to do anything right.

For more help to heal from a narcissistic relationship and support on how to break the pattern, check out our free training here: click here