Are You More Successful Than Your Spouse?

WARNING SIGNS

I always become apprehensive when I drive along the highway and see a sign that says “Caution: Uneven Pavement,” where workers mark the sections of the road to indicate they have only completed part of the street resurfacing and left large, rough surfaces behind them. The two different surfaces—one higher than the other—make your tires go a little nuts as they try to navigate that part of the journey.

Because of the unevenness, your tire pressure light might come on, or you might feel like you have less control in handling your vehicle. It's a little unsettling.

THINGS CAN CHANGE

So it made me think of what happens when the dynamics between a couple shift negatively as a result of one person's career or business venture becoming more successful than their spouse’s.

It doesn't necessarily mean that there's trouble ahead. Some people are very supportive of having one person in the house be the main wage earner and allowing that person to have a little more leniency when it comes to their participation in the household chores, for instance.

WHY THIS TOPIC?

Before you start up with “But this isn't a marriage or dating site and it’s not an appropriate business topic,” I will argue that it most certainly is.

The friction that women can experience at home before going to work or even their home office will affect their decision-making, whether or not they are listening when someone is talking to them, whether they can focus within their zone of genius, and whether their team remains cohesive because she might begin projecting her personal issues onto them.

A COUPLE OF EXAMPLES

Consider a scenario where one spouse does well while the other one whose career or business is lagging fills in with other essential household tasks. It’s a partnership, in other words, where they take turns.?

One assumes the bulk of the financial responsibility while the other one continues to work at achieving their dream. Most likely they prepared for such a possibility. And some men are very supportive of their wife’s success whether she achieves hers first or not.

CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS CAN'T WAIT

Often, when a couple becomes engaged, they avoid the subject of defining roles, finances, or spending altogether because they're in love. It's a euphoric time, and no one wants to spoil the anticipatory and joyful mood as the wedding date approaches.?

But that's a mistake. It's often these preliminary discussions that enable the couple to deepen their knowledge and understanding of each other and their expectations in preparation for a lasting union. Like planning the wedding ceremony as a team, it tests their compatibility and their willingness to work toward a goal by putting their egos aside.?

WHY UNEQUAL PATHS ARE SO HARD

Of course, that’s easier said than done. Enduring a widening gap between the momentum of two people’s careers can significantly elevate your stress levels. Let’s examine why.

People not only have different dreams and career goals, but opposing spending and investing habits based upon several life experience factors, including: the presence or absence of financial stability in childhood, their parent’s or financial advisor’s advice, their job stability or education level, prior traumas surrounding money, such as a confidence-eroding bankruptcy, and so many others.?

FRICTION VS. COMPROMISE

At this point, nearly everyone knows that arguments over money or finances are a major cause of marital disharmony and separation or divorce.?

Compromise is not an easy word to honor. To a certain extent, each person will feel that he or she is right about who has the more important career or lifelong dream. Business costs money, and they have to decide how they're going to handle the budget in terms of spending it on necessities, paying the bills, or splurging on non-essential items or leisure activities.?

SITUATIONS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL

When financial crises like catastrophic illness, huge maintenance expenditures on the house, accidents that damage or destroy the car, layoffs, etc., occur, the two must communicate to each other what their priorities, fears, or concerns are.?

Some of the outcomes depend upon how secure each one of them is in their identity apart from their work. It helps when they separate what they do from who they are.

THE REALITIES

What both parties need to remember to maintain their mental and emotional wellness is that people achieve different milestones at different stages in their lives. It's unrealistic to think they will either succeed at the same rate or experience either a stalemate or disappointment simultaneously.

And why would anyone want their spouse to start struggling at the same time they are? Financially speaking, it makes no sense.

COMMITMENT HELPS

A loving couple that's truly committed to each other doesn't usually have to deal with that type of jealousy because, let's face it, both parties benefit from the success of the one who is making a lot of money or gaining a lot of clients or fame.

AMBITION ISN'T ALWAYS A POSITIVE

But with other couples, there can be friction. Just like the jarring friction that occurs between your tires and an uneven surface, friction can develop between the two parties because of the unevenness in their career or business paths.

If both of them are extremely ambitious, the tension can build to a level that benefits neither party and creates a painful schism.

THE SELF-ESTEEM FACTOR

An insecure person can react as if the more success their spouse achieves, the worse they feel about themselves. A low level of self-esteem deceives them into thinking that their spouse’s success is somehow eroding their chances, although the two situations are independent of each other.?

TRADITION VERSUS TODAY

I do not intend this as a sexist statement because it’s just an observation, but often men, who were the traditional breadwinners until decades of drastic social change rocked that status quo, now find themselves in situations where, because of the chaotic economy and escalating prices, both adults must contribute to the household funds.

If the man brings home the bulk of the money—and that is often the case because men do still get paid more than women—then he and his wife may be comfortable with that reality. On the other hand, if the woman discovers a talent or a passion and begins to achieve at a high level, accelerating her success beyond his, then it can test his ability to accept the change in his status.?

TRENDS HAVE SHIFTED

In the US at least, most households survive on a double income, whether or not they have children. If your husband defines himself as the breadwinner and his status changes, you will have to exercise some patience while he makes the emotional adjustment.?

NOT EVERYONE IS NOBLE

So far, I have been referring to couples where both have shown a willingness to work for the money they have or to ensure they contribute to the household. Of course, life (and reality TV) wouldn’t be complete without the occasional deadbeats. These are the gold diggers who decide they are going to marry someone who will finance everything they want while they sit at home or do whatever aimless activity they're going to indulge in during the day.

These people drain you not only financially, but emotionally as well, as you shoulder an unfair burden and realize that their promise to “love, honor, and cherish” you was an outright lie.?

YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE

As someone in a professional position or running a business, you need moral support. When one person either fails to provide that support or actively counters your efforts to succeed, you might have to make some lifestyle changes.

I’m not encouraging divorce. I’m encouraging self-care. Perhaps a therapist or life coach can help you sort things out, or at least guide you to take better care of yourself by making healthy decisions about how to proceed.

YOUR MENTAL APPROACH

Ideally, you should concentrate entirely on personal issues at home when at home and then on work or professional issues when at the workplace. But there are days when that separation is impossible to maintain.

I highly suggest that you always put family or spousal relationships before your career or business. That's not an easy thing to do when you have a passionate dream, but sometimes that dream must be put on a temporary hold. Have a time-limited plan to return to striving for your goal.

COMMUNICATION AND TEAMWORK

If you always put your love for each other first and work on your self-esteem so you can freely express how you want to take care of things when one of you is more successful than the other, you will open the doors to great communication.?

Also, if your approach is always done with a mindset that you are solving a problem and you can work through this together, agreeing upon which career gets the boost for the time being, it can help resolve a lot of issues.?

KEEP YOUR EARS AND MIND OPEN

Active listening—where both of you take turns listening before you say, “What I hear you saying is…” and remain open to the feedback—remains one of the most effective tools on the planet.

One caveat is to keep the discussion between the two of you unless you seek the services of a counselor who is trained to facilitate better communication. Friends and family often make well-intentioned but interfering suggestions that only inflame the conflict between the two of you.

CONCLUSION

With patience, understanding, empathy, and a willingness to compromise and hold some uncomfortable conversations while truly listening to what the other person is saying, you can often heal rifts that can arise as a result of one person enjoying more success than the other. It's not an easy problem, but you shouldn't put a hold on your progress or expect him to unless you two have decided that is the best solution.

There's always more than one option to consider and more than one avenue to take each idea on a test drive. See how each one works, come together, and then reevaluate.?

Whatever you do, approach the conversation about the support you need with kindness in your heart. After all, your spouse has feelings and aspirations, too.

Would you like to discuss the difficulty of handling relationships while running your business with a life coach? Click on the link under my profile picture and book an appointment.

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