You Are Not A Mistake

Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools for personal growth, yet without self-compassion, it can easily slip into self-blame. When we recognise our behaviours and patterns, we have an opportunity to learn and evolve. However, if we judge ourselves harshly in the process, we risk becoming trapped in guilt and stagnation rather than transformation.

According to Roche Martin's Emotional Intelligence framework, self-awareness is the ability to understand one’s own emotions and how they impact behaviour. It invites curiosity and growth, allowing us to recognise our patterns and make conscious changes.

Self-blame, on the other hand, is rooted in self-judgment and harsh criticism. It tells us: “This is all my fault, and I’m not good enough.” In contrast, self-awareness asks: “What can I learn from this?” Without self-compassion, self-awareness can become a tool for self-punishment rather than self-liberation.

True self-awareness involves both accountability and self-kindness. It acknowledges that while we are responsible for our actions, mistakes do not define our worth. Self-compassion reminds us:?

“I made a mistake, but I am not a mistake.”

What does accountability look like when our behaviors primarily affect ourselves? This is where self-leadership comes in; owning our choices and patterns, even when no one else is impacted. Unlike self-blame, which is often passive, accountability is active. It requires both recognition and intentional change.

Avoiding self-accountability can manifest as:

• Repeated self-sabotage (procrastination, destructive habits).
• Blaming external circumstances for our emotions or lack of progress.
• Making excuses instead of making changes.
• Avoiding difficult truths about our role in our challenges.

To better understand this, we can explore The Drama Triangle, a framework from Stephen Karpman that identifies three disempowering roles we may fall into:

The Victim Role (Feeling Powerless)

This is recognisable in thoughts like,? “I’ll never be able to change.” / “Life is just hard.” When we move away from the victim mentality to one of accountability we may challenge these original thoughts with something like. “I can’t control everything, but I can control how I respond.” A step even further than this is taking ownership for the roles we play in creating our reality with thoughts like: “I am responsible for my patterns and can choose differently.”

The Persecutor Role (Self-Criticism & Self-Blame)

Someone who is playing the persecutor role may have thoughts like, “I’m such a failure.” / “I always mess things up.” Taking a step towards accountability would see these thoughts shift to something more like this, “I see this pattern, and I am capable of changing it.” And ownership for the persecutor becomes incredibly empowering with thoughts like“I will not tear myself down, but instead use this awareness to grow.” leading their transformation.?

The Rescuer Role (Avoidance & Distraction)

The rescuer is often the person who is least aware that they are engaging in self-sabotaging or self-blame behaviours. They are often found overworking, participating in numbing behaviors like doom-scrolling, and seeking external validation through their work or other endeavours. But once you are able to recognise that these behaviours aren’t actually fixing the problem that you have, you may find comfort in thoughts like, “I will face discomfort and take aligned action.” And oftentimes we go into rescuer mode because truly we wish that someone would come to rescue us. With that in mind, taking ownership for this behaviour often looks like “I trust myself to handle this challenge.”

If you have identified yourself in one of these roles then it’s okay. Remember we are embracing self-awareness without self-blame. The next step requires you to take action.. Growth requires honest reflection, but transformation happens when we meet ourselves with kindness. The next time you notice a pattern that doesn’t serve you, like embodying one of the roles above, ask yourself:

What is the fact here?

What stories am I attaching to this?

What is the lesson or gift in this experience?

If I were my highest self, what action would I take?

When we combine self-awareness with self-compassion, we step into true self-leadership. We stop seeing ourselves as problems to be fixed and instead recognise our limitless capacity for growth. I’d love to hear your thoughts on cultivating self-awareness along with self-compassion in the comments so we can deepen this conversation together.?