Are you (mis)communicating?

General

The fact that you are reading this article means that you are partaking in an activity that only human beings can – the ability to accept information from a person you are not in front of and cannot see or hear.?

So books, emails, texts, WhatsApp messages, Facebook posts, Instagram Reels and You tube videos all intend to share information – from an originator to one or more recipients. And the medium (apart from cyberspace and impressions of ink on paper) is language – verbal supported or negated by a simultaneous or sequential nonverbal component (where applicable) - what we commonly term as 'body language'.?

Communication

Communication – is what connects us to people. And human beings being social animals, thrive when in touch with others and wilt and perish when out of contact. And yet, when we are with others, we fight and argue and swear every day – in person, over chats and on Facebook. Over politics, sport, medicine and conspiracy theories.?

The aim of communication is to get someone to do something. And communication is said to have worked if that 'someone' does that 'something' - if they don't, well, your communication hasn't worked and needs work. When you want someone to do that something, you need to have what marketeers call, a CTA (call to action). That CTA may be to buy your product, sign up for your webinar, bring a bottle of wine when they come, call you back when they see your message, give you the discount you want, say yes to going on a date, apologise for what they did..... it can be anything that you want them to do.

If, however, they do something totally different than what you wanted them to do, well, your communication wasn't successful - and we can conclude that you have just been a part of 'miscommunication'.

Miscommunication

When we thought over the existence of this problem and broke it down to it's smallest ingredients – we found that the misunderstandings were not only due to different beliefs, but also due to how information was presented and processed differently by different people. Taking this one step further as we spend a lot of our working hours helping people overcome their fears/trauma/negative patterns of behaviour and reach peak performance levels,??we believe that our behaviour is dependent on the inner talk (intrapersonal communication) that we have with ourselves, which leads to concretising or dissolving beliefs.?

The basic task of the human brain is to help the organism (you) survive.

And to survive, you need to neutralise threat.

And to neutralise threat, you need to predict threat.

And because of this, the human brain predicts - all the time. We predict the weather, we predict seasons, we predict the stock market, we predict oil prices, we predict trends in fashion, we predict spread of disease, we predict trends in consumer behaviour and we predict moods of people we interact with.

We even predict what people will say to us during a conversation. And we respond (a lot of times) not to what they say, but to our predictions of what we think they will say. And thus entire conversations go on with both participants talking from their predictions and not what is actually being said. From the perspective, it would be evident that these two people are 'talking at cross purposes.' However, the participants get more and more engrossed, sometimes agitated, sometimes downright triggered and offensive - and all it would have taken to convert the animosity to tolerance - is to stop predicting.

Some creative people have even coined a term for it. They call it 'active listening.' And people actually pay money to attend workshops and seminars to learn 'active listening.' However, unless you know why a problem exists, all solutions would be based on 'predictions' and hence fraught with inconsistencies.

If you are predicting in order to stay safe, and I tell you stop predicting, will you do so? It's like telling someone who is worrying to 'stop worrying' or someone who is scared to 'don't be scared' or someone who is hyperventilating to 'breathe'.

You will only stop predicting when you feel safe that anything that is said, you can deal with. So the answer is not active listening, the answer is 'feeling confident.' And you will only 'feel confident' when you have the knowledge to back up that feeling. Unfortunately 'fake it till we make it' doesn't work for most people.

Now what?

Each of us process information differently. Some create pictures, some evoke feelings while some pick up words and spin off on a tangent till they hear the next interesting word or phrase to spin off with. And if you are watching them as they internally process what they hear from the external input, with practise, you will figure out the speed at which they do it. Present information to them at higher speeds, and you would have lost them from being overwhelmed. Present information at slower speeds and you would have lost them from boredom.

The answer thus lies in doing three things that will slow down/minimise your predictive instincts and enable you to have meaningful conversations and ensure that your communication elicits the response you desire.

1. Firstly analyse behaviour to figure out how you (or they) process information. Do they speak fast? Or slow? What metaphors do they use? How do they process time - does time move and they are static or are they moving and time is static?
2. Gain knowledge on the subject of your communication so that you feel safe enough to indulge in a conversation (and feel confident of answering any questions that may arise); and
3. Thirdly present the information in a non-threatening way at the speed at which they process.

Conclusion

100% of all relationship problems - whether professional or personal, results from miscommunications. And as relationships flounder, predictions increase further causing problems as both parties begin talking to themselves and not to the one in front.

Unless we address this most important issue and not relegate it as a 'soft skill' we with neither have meaningful inter personal relationships, not will it be easy for us as professionals to satisfy stakeholders and increase the value we have in their heads.

Ignore at your own peril.