You May Be Unique, But Your Problems Are Not

Dear Friend,

I've come to believe that problems are not inherently bad - or good. They are what we make of them. I love it when people see problems as challenges they lean into. I find their courageous curiosity inspiring.

I struggle with people who define themselves by their problems, either by complaining and behaving like a victim or posturing as a masterful problem solver, whether true or not.

Today's essay discusses why so many people struggle to address problems effectively when their isolation prevents them from finding solutions and turning problems into opportunities.

Here's wishing you a great week ahead!

Phil

You May Be Unique, But Your Problems Are Not

One of the most common things I hear from CEOs and business owners I meet with is how they somehow feel their problems are unique. They're not, and I ask them if they might feel that way because of their limited perspective. Some people accept that might be true, but others dig in their heels and attempt to defend their position. At this point, some just size me up as the enemy and either shut me out – or politely kick me out.

When I can move us into a serious dialogue, it becomes clear that there are things about what they do or how they do things that are somewhat unique to either their industry, things like extreme regulation, or their specific company, based on the organization's purpose or design. However, their challenges are far from unique, and I explain that I can prove that to them if they are willing to settle into a cohort with other business leaders and be honest, vulnerable, and willing to learn.

Not everyone is willing to take the bait, but most are willing to nibble. The resistance is all ego. It's not unusual for people to construct their personal identity around positions of power, even if that power is just their perception. Delusional leaders don't care. They insist the isolation they feel is proof that they are unique, even when I tell them that everyone feels lonely at the top. They scoff, suggesting that their loneliness is valuable, like a rare gem they mined from a secret source and have carried all their lives to the top – and protect in their perch like a condor sits on her eggs.

The nibblers are those who are curious. That's the first sign that perhaps I might be of some benefit, provided I can find that we care about things in common that are important to me, such as finding joy in what we accomplish and owning the consequences of failing to accomplish things that matter.

Nibblers often admit that they would prefer not to feel so isolated – and that the emotional weight makes them less agile and detracts from their effectiveness. They sometimes admit that they pretend to be happy when they really aren't and are deeply dissatisfied with the quality of their lives, most often meaning the relationships with their children or spouse. They give serious consideration to taking up with a band of other unique people – if only to ameliorate their despair.

Something almost magical happens when I bring these people together and set aside their uniqueness. We function better and make better decisions when, instead of focusing on our differences, we seek to find where we are similar or even the same. When we focus on the unique qualities of others, we can still appreciate what makes us unique but lose the feeling of isolation. In a state of shared respect and mutual support, we allow others to celebrate what makes us unique and special while doing the same for them.

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You can access over 150 other pieces on business leadership and related topics at the ALPS BLOG atALPSLeadership.com.

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