Are you a man? woman? ...?

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Ever since I entered the workforce decades ago I’ve always been a woman in male-dominated professions. I’ve always been made acutely aware of my womanness and feminity at work—I’ve even tried to hide it.

But at least I saw myself as a woman, I felt like a woman.

Being born female I was called a girl and that was fine. It worked for me. I didn’t choose to be a girl or a woman but the glove fit, so to speak.

I’m a woman and the world sees me as one, too.

But what if I felt like a man? Yet the world thought of me as a woman because of how I looked or how my gender was assigned to me before I was old enough to choose?

It’s hard for me to imagine what this would be like.

I have the privilege of being seen consistently with how I identify, or what’s called cis-gendered (literally “this-gender”).

This means I face less danger, discrimination, bullying, judgment, fear, and harm than my trans family, colleagues, and friends.

Every day I am safer, more protected, more valued, more visible, and more accepted and seen than someone who is trans (”trans-” meaning across of on the other side).

One of the seven basic needs we have from our work is the need to be seen and known for who we are. To be seen and known means having people know your name, a little bit of your story, and see your unique contribution.

Last week there was the International Day of Trans Visibility, which celebrates transgender people and?seeks to raise awareness of discrimination faced by transgender people worldwide.

My experience in the workplace is that many people like me—cis-gendered people—get confused about trans identity and lose track of the meaning of it all, sometimes rolling their eyes or saying things that express their confusion and fatigue with the gender identity conversation.

But here’s the thing: learning some definitions or a new pronoun is not that hard. What’s hard is not being seen for who you are.

What’s hard is living in a world that doesn’t accept you, a world where you’re 4x more likely than others to get attacked.

So I’m going to lay things out for you. It’s beyond time to learn about and accept trans people and trans identities.

Let’s clarify some definitions. Transgender people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from the one they were assigned at birth. Hence the prefix “trans”, which means across, beyond, or on the other side of.

So someone who’s transgendered is on the other side of gender. Perhaps they’re on the other side of the gender binary or perhaps they’re beyond a gender binary altogether.

The term encompasses a variety of identities that include people whose identity is opposite of the one assigned to them at birth (called trans man or trans woman) and can also include people who identify as non-gender binary or genderqueer or being a third gender.

Importantly, transgender describes gender identity and expression, not sexual orientation or sex.

Sex is a biological descriptor, like male, female, or intersex. It goes on your birth certificate.

Gender is more complicated. It’s a social and legal status, a set of expectations from society—including but not limited to man, woman, trans, two-spirit, androgynous, femme, and so on.

Gender identity is how you feel on the inside and how you express your gender through your behavior, clothing, and who you identify with.

The feeling of your gender identity begins very early in life.

Sexual identity is another thing altogether. It’s about who you’re attracted to, romantically or sexually. It includes its own diverse intensities like straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, and more.

You might be reading this thinking my descriptions are redundant and basic. You’re not wrong.

You might also be feeling frustrated, confused, or like this stuff is pointless. And look, I’ve been there. The first time someone asked me to use a plural pronoun for them I didn’t get it.

As an English major, I defended myself, using Grammar as a mask to hide my own confusion.

But here’s the thing: language isn’t perfect. The words we use come from certain ways of seeing the world and reify (aka perpetuate) that way of seeing things.

When I don’t use language that validates and affirms the people around me I’m refusing to see them. So learning these words, using them, and normalizing non-binary gender & sexual identities is extremely important.

If you struggle, that’s okay. Remember that your struggle to learn a new word is less of a struggle than the discomfort of the people who are asking you to learn that new word.

Imagine the devastating consequences of continually facing denial, rejection, and violence for simply trying to express who you are.

It's okay that you feel confused, embarrassed, and incompetent when it comes to gender identity and expression language and issues.

It’s not okay that you let your confusion and ignorance persist.

See trans people. Support their businesses and needs. Support policies that protect them not ones that harm them. Learn the right words and use them.

-Moe

P.S. My friend and colleague Rachel Rogers and her team at Hello7 have put together an excellent?inclusive language guide?that can help you get started.