You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you…
Sometime back I had a situation in my team where two of the colleagues were not getting well together. One was feeling that there was a violation of trust by the other person. The other person felt that there were work related issues. As I delved into details, this looked like a classic case of manipulative personality. This made me think about my own experiences where I had similar kind of feelings. I realized that how I had been manipulated in certain situations by certain colleagues. This made me research and know about as to how manipulation work and why do people get manipulated. Manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade; it's a way to draw you in and ensure that you are in a relationship before they show their true colors. Manipulative people are really not interested in you except as a vehicle to allow them to gain control so that you become an unwilling participant in their plans.
Why do you let others manipulate us? One reason may be that you are so hungry for positive attention and adoration, that when the manipulator flatters you or tells you how different, wonderful and special you are for treating them better than other people do, you lap it up. Then you continue to lap it up, which sets the stage for feeling either that you owe them something in return or that you would feel guilty if you disappointed them.
They have several ways of doing this, as many of you will recognize. They will often take what you say and do and twist it around so that what you said and did becomes barely recognizable to you. They will attempt to confuse you, maybe even making you feel as if you’re crazy. They distort the truth, and may resort to lying if it serves their end. Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem, which they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities. They often make you defensive. They can also be extremely aggressive and vicious, resorting to personal attacks and criticism, dogged in their pursuit of getting what they want. They bully and threaten, and won’t let up or let go until they wear you down.
One thing I didn’t realize about manipulation is it can happen to you without you realizing it. In fact, this is probably how it happens most often. We feel things like anger, frustration, anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. What we don’t necessarily realize is that these feelings can be simply different faces of what we really feel, which is manipulated.
Following are the traits of manipulative people, so you'll know what to watch for when one comes your way. Understanding these basic operating mechanisms can help prevent you from being pulled into a manipulative relationship. Staying alert, staying in touch with what you know to be true about yourself and anticipating what is to come will enable you to avoid a conflict and maintain your own integrity.
§ Manipulative people either lack insight into how they engage others and create certain scenarios, or they truly believe that their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means that their needs are being met, and that's all that matters. Ultimately, all situations and relationships are about them, and what others think, feel, and want really doesn’t matter:
§ A manipulator avoids responsibilities for his own conduct by blaming others for causing it. It’s not that manipulative people don’t understand responsibility is. They do; a manipulative person just sees nothing wrong with refusing to take responsibility for their actions, even while making you take responsibility for yours. Ultimately, they may try to get you to take responsibility for satisfying their needs, leaving no room for fulfilling yours.
§ They’re almost always charmers. Manipulators typically know that you have to stroke the horse before you ride it. They usually start by acting pleasant and wonderful. They’ll flatter you and try to show that they have good taste, their conversations are super entertaining, and they’re highly sensitive to your expectations. This is the first step. In the second step, things start to change. When they’ve already convinced you what a great person they are, they start trying to manipulate you with all their charm.
§ Manipulative people prey on our sensibilities, emotional sensitivity, and especially conscientiousness. They know they have a good chance of hooking you into a relationship because you are a kind, feeling, caring person, and, of course, because you want to help. They may cater to your goodness and kindness at first, often praising you for the wonderful person you are. But over time, praise of these qualities will be minimized because you are being used in the service of someone who really doesn’t care about you. They really just care about what you can do for them.
§ If you want an easy way to discern manipulators from empathetic people, pay attention to the way they speak about others in relation to you. They will often talk about you behind your back the same way they talk to you about others. They are masters at “triangulation"—creating scenarios and dynamics that allow for intrigue, rivalry, and jealousy, and encourage and promote disharmony.
§ If the individual put as much effort into being a good person as they do into pretending to be one, they could actually be a good person. This is an essential point: Our initial encounter and perception of someone strongly colors our developing relationship with them. If we understood from the beginning that a person is not who they seem to be, and is just hiding behind a facade of what appears to be socially acceptable behavior, then perhaps we would be more wary of getting involved with them.
When it comes to controlling human beings there is no better instrument than lies. Because, you see, humans live by beliefs. And beliefs can be manipulated. The power to manipulate beliefs is the only thing that counts. Hence learn to recognize manipulators by catching yourself when they’re flattering you too much and too soon.