To You - The Loop

Life is meaningless — the only hard truth in life. No matter how you put it or what illusion you want to believe in, life itself has no meaning. It can never have meaning. Humans are not special; we are not something extraordinary in this cosmos. The cosmos is vast, full of mysteries, and no one knows what.

Your problems, your fears, your desires, your goals — your everything is nothing but meaningless. You might think that you're the main character, that your problems or your decisions are everything and are very important. But do you even remember your great-great-grandparent's name? No. In a hundred years, no one will remember us. No one will remember whether you passed or failed that important exam, whether you got that job, whether your startup was successful or a failure, or whether you married the person you loved the most. Whether you were vegetarian, non-vegetarian, Hindu, Muslim, or whatever — it's all meaningless. There’s no difference between us and other living beings. A lion might be working hard to find food for its family and cubs, and we’re the same. We’re working hard towards our goals, for our family, for our children, etc.

One thing I find particularly interesting is that there's no difference between happiness and sadness, sadness is not a bad thing, just like happiness. I believe all feelings are the same. It's our brain, it's our choice. We can control everything.

But this article is primarily focused on my brother, parents, friends, and family. I know no one reads it, and that's the beautiful part of it. I could write anything and just leave it. I want to tell you guys, if I ever commit suicide, please don't think I did it because of failure, financial issues, tension, or love life. My life has been very beautiful, and I have become what I wanted as a child. I remember thinking of coding as something amazing and always wondering if I could code. I used to try Java in a mobile application that had an inbuilt IDE. I used to get super fascinated by Linux OS, websites, apps, and coding. And now it's like I can code in almost all languages. You might underestimate me because I am not popular and not that rich because my ideas haven't been working that well. But as a coder, I am one of the world’s top coders. I love solving problems, and when I code, I get into a flow — I forget everything, even to eat sometimes, and that's my biggest achievement. So yes, I am a good coder, a great coder, you might say.

So I'll never commit suicide because of work life or financial issues. In the same way, the second thing I loved most was physics, and now I'm good enough in physics. Only one dream is unfulfilled, that is, the time machine. From my childhood, I wanted to make a time machine, and I still believe I will. The rest, I'm really grateful for my life. It's been an amazing journey and experience. I'm most grateful that I am healthy and can eat anything; my body is good, no broken hands or disability. And I can eat anything, almost anything. I have good control over my taste — or you could say I don't have good taste, as I can eat food without salt.

But I am writing this because I am sure I'll die by suicide one day, sooner or later, if not by any accident, as I really don't find any meaning or anything that good that I can become delusional about. So I want you guys to know that it was nothing but rather just voidness that killed me, and I’m happy to die as I don't find any reason for this world.

I have reached a point where I don’t know anything, nor can I simply believe anyone. And that’s why I wanted to make a time machine, but it seems a little tiring and hard. But that’s the only thing that’s keeping me alive till today. Maybe I’ll create one, who knows. But I even know that I might not, and I am super bored. If there’s an apocalypse or a zombie attack, I’ll die out of laziness. So, Sahil, I know you’ll not understand what I feel as you haven’t read a single book I gave you and are very stupid, but maybe one day you might figure it out. I’m not dying anytime soon, but just in case I did, please remember I love you all and was very thankful to have you guys. Do whatever you want to do in this world, it’s all meaningless. You should never be afraid of anything. You want to drop school, drop it; become a beggar, become one; become a star, it’s your choice. Life itself is meaningless. If you remove all materialistic desires, you’ll find yourself at a place where life is just boring; it’s just useless. And I know it’ll be hard for parents to understand, but I really had no problem in life. I will die out of no problem. But yes, suicide gives me goosebumps as each cell wants to survive; no one wants to die. So yes, it’s super hard. Still waiting to get some disease, out of laziness, I will not go to the doctor for a full checkup, and now I don’t really feel pain unless it’s extreme. Like right now, my head is aching, my eyes are burning, my back is paining, but I don't feel that bad; it’s just that I am lazy.

I just want a good fluffy cloud, and I want to sleep on it and fade as it fades into the sky. Clouds fascinate me a lot. My dream is to die after jumping off a mountain with so many clouds; I want to feel them pass through me. Whenever I am in an airplane, I see clouds — they are so beautiful, yet sometimes I see thunderclouds. How fascinating is that? I always wondered what if you go there; I’ll be burned alive by the thunder. But how cool are clouds! I love clouds the most, and then trees and plants. They’re so beautiful.

And according to one of my theories, plants are super intelligent. They transcend common knowledge. It’s funny, but it’s something like this: Long back, there were humans like us, and we were robots at that time. It was a normal world like now — fights, crime, blah blah — but one day, a scientist invented a technology that allowed them to get energy from sunlight. They no longer needed to eat food. So slowly, everyone became lazy; they stopped working because no food was needed, then no money was needed, and later, they all became plants. And we were robots at that time, and we became humans. So in short, trees have transcended our knowledge. They no longer fight, and they are very kind. Even if you hurt them, they don’t do anything; they’re so kind, like whales and elephants. I believe trees are the real gods.

So yes, Su Mit loved clouds and trees. If I die, please plant a tree in my name. Maybe I’ll find a new perspective, but I think it’ll be impossible as this mindset is from childhood, and it hasn’t changed yet. Goku is still my favorite and idol as he was when I was a kid. I still watch cartoons and enjoy physics the most, and yes, I don’t enjoy crowds and parties. So it’ll be interesting to see if I’ll be still alive. I have predicted that according to how it’s going, I’ll die within one year max. I was supposed to die in 2023, but something happened out of the syllabus, and I survived. I really had a wish to die at 23 as a lot of great people have died the same age, and my birthday was on 23 July as well, but that’s gone. So let’s hope for a better day.

I really wish if I had a little motivation left, I would do something about this stupid world. It’s full of fake and plastic feelings and emotions. We all are humans, yet I don’t understand who we are fooling. The world needs to be saved, or else all geniuses will commit suicide like me. Some will stay, some will be killed, and some will be tortured. As a kid, I had a dream of dying by falling into a black hole. It’s sad that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. Falling into a black hole is a separate whole story; I could write a book on that, as what I really mean by falling into a black hole. Let’s see if I’ll be alive — I’ll consider writing the book "Falling into a Black Hole." It’s a really interesting idea.

For me, I literally wish to finish "One Piece" manga soon and die. I think it’s hardly one year left for it to be finished. Oda is really a great writer; he’s been keeping this story hyped for more than 25 years now. If there’s a god, I really wish to not wake up tomorrow alive, and if I do, there’s no god. Haha, haha.

If anyone is reading this, it's a miracle. If anyone reads it and you think the same or differently, do let me know. I would be happy to discuss this with you. And if I really die, keep this in mind, please send this to my family, as it is intended to be my suicide note.