Are you looking for permission? 5 tips to help you give it to yourself.

We often believe that we need someone else's approval or validation to take action or make a decision. We wait for someone to give us the green light, to tell us that we're good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to do something. It’s something most people struggle with at some point. Take me, for instance.

One of my 2022 goals was “putting myself out there” on social media with authenticity. But speaking to an unseen audience means no feedback from faces, so I decided that to tell my story and share parts of myself authentically, I’d first reassess my values. Just considering lists of values didn’t go as deep as I wanted to. Then I had the idea to make a kind of map of my life: list key events, identify patterns and their impact, and test my values against them. I doubted this idea immediately. Would it be the best approach? Would it be a time-waste? So I turned to my old friend LinkedIn Learning for advice on a “better” way. The first video I saw was from a credible, experienced leadership coach who said, “One of the first things I encourage the leaders I work with to do is a life map…” That was the very same idea I’d had two days before! If that isn’t a metaphor for how much time we waste seeking permission, I don’t know what is.

So why do we do it?

There are many ways in which our environments and experiences contribute to our personality and behavior. Harsh external criticism or an intolerance for mistakes at an early age can lead to perfectionism. If you’re neurodivergent or simply have a different way of being or doing things than your peers, maybe you just show up differently. And by the time you’re an adult, it’s possible that comparison of yourself to others, or by others, affects your self-concept and, of course, none of this is objective. Maybe you lack clarity - you’re not sure what your purpose is, or what you should be doing, and that holds you back from striking out confidently.

There are many ways in which our environments and experiences contribute to our personality and behavior. Harsh external criticism or an intolerance for mistakes at an early age can lead to perfectionism. If you’re neurodivergent or simply have a different way of being or doing things than your peers, maybe you just show up differently. And by the time you’re an adult, it’s possible that comparison of yourself to others, or by others, affects your self-concept and, of course, none of this is objective. Maybe you lack clarity - you’re not sure what your purpose is, or what you should be doing, and that holds you back from striking out confidently.

TJ Mathuloe reposted an interesting Tiktok video on learned helplessness, which is just one of the ways past failures can be another factor in blocking your self trust and result in seeking permission or external validation. Waiting for permission can hold us back, limit our autonomy, and prevent us from fully trusting ourselves and our own judgment.?

And people with little self trust are less likely to take the risks that could lead to the most fulfilling and rewarding outcomes.

How can we give ourselves permission?

Here are some steps to get started:

1. What do you want? Identify your goals and desires.

Forget purpose, for a minute. Take some time to think about what you truly want. I’m not talking about external pressure or long-term goals from somewhere else. They could be things that you’d like in your life right now, and there isn’t a goal too big or too small. For example, one of my current goals is to drink more water - that’s a tiny goal that will positively impact many other areas, but it will also simply mean I’m less dehydrated. Goals give direction and can help you recognize that yours doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else’s.

2. What matters to you? Reflect on your values and priorities

Do you need “joy” in your life? If so, you’ll naturally feel unfulfilled and uncertain when you don’t have it. You don’t need to feel pressured to find a huge passion or purpose - purpose is a thing we make for ourselves. If you’re already clear on yours, that's great! The vast majority of us do not come into this world knowing what we want or devote our entire lives to a single purpose; and we still go on to do meaningful things and create powerful connections. As a start, simply knowing what is important to you could help to guide your decision-making and confidence. You might even try a life map to help you - me and another guy validate it, if that helps.

3. Cultivate self-compassion

If you remember the wisdom Shada shared in last week’s article, you know that perfectionism is a common barrier to giving ourselves permission, and its antidote, self-compassion and self-acceptance, is much less common. Getting things wrong is not only inevitable if you’re learning and growing, it’s a crucial part of learning. Both success and failure are simply information - they tell us what worked and what didn’t so we can decide whether to use this information when we take our next step.

4. Take small steps towards your goals

In sharing her story about how she established her complementary career as a writing coach, supporting inexperienced writers to publish their family biographies, autobiographies, and memoirs, Dr Uchenna Njiaju speaks about “leveraging the power of incremental change”. Don't try to take on too much at once. Instead, start by taking small, achievable steps towards your goals. This will help you build momentum and increase your confidence as you make progress.

5. Hire a coach

A coach can help you find the patterns you may be missing that are keeping you stuck. They’ll create a space for you to explore your goals and questions, challenge your thinking, and gain empowerment in building your confidence. They’re just one of the supportive relationships that can support and encourage you in your goals, with the added benefit of helping you craft strategies to take action. Even if that first goal is to stop seeking permission.

Everyone is different - find what works for you

We have so many things in common, it’s true. But the truth is, we don't need anyone else's permission to live our lives and pursue our dreams. We are the only ones who can give ourselves permission to be who we are and do what we want. If you’ve ever watched a group of strangers in a crowd, you’ve seen evidence of how different we are too. Some impatient walkers, some feet starers, some smiling socializers… And these differences are neither good nor bad - they’re just different. So while there is much to learn from experts in different fields, my mantra after my life map experience is, “Learn from others but trust yourself".?

I hope these tips will help you move towards your own self-validating mantra. And if you’d like help with that, if you’re tired of waiting for permission but just can’t seem to raise that hand in a meeting or click send on that post, then skip ahead to step 5 and reach out for a discovery call to see how coaching can help you.

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock