Are You Living in a Sexless Marriage

Jill and Richard had spent 25 years together, their love story woven through decades of shared experiences, challenges, and triumphs. At fifty, they were navigating a new chapter of their lives—one marked by the empty nest and increasingly busy careers in the public sector. Their days were filled with work commitments and obligations, leaving little time for each other. There were moments where both Jill and Richard were thinking, should they just go their own separate ways…

Their home, once vibrant with the noise of growing children, now felt quieter and more distant. Jill, a dedicated public health administrator, and Richard, a city planner, had both risen through the ranks, their professional lives demanding and all-consuming. They had always been a team, but lately, the sense of partnership seemed to be fraying at the edges.

Jill found herself feeling more like a roommate than a wife. The desire and romance that once sparkled between them had dimmed over the years. Their interactions had become routine, with affection and spontaneity replaced by logistical discussions and the occasional, polite acknowledgment of each other’s presence. Jill missed the days when Richard would romance her and his gentle touches were an everyday occurrence, and the small gestures of love were abundant. She longed for the spark that had once ignited their passion and connected them beyond the daily grind.

Richard, on the other hand, felt a rising sense of criticism. Jill’s subtle, often unspoken disappointment weighed heavily on him. He noticed the looks of discontent and the pointed comments about their lack of connection, but he wasn’t sure how to address them without escalating the tension. He felt cornered, unsure how to bridge the growing gap between them.

One evening, after a particularly taxing week, Jill and Richard sat in their family room. The room was softly lit, a rare moment of calm amidst their chaotic lives. Jill stared at the flickering flames of the fireplace, her mind racing. Richard sat across from her, flipping through his phone, his face a mask of weariness and resignation.

“Richard,” Jill began, her voice breaking the silence, “can we talk?”

Richard looked up, his heart sinking. “Sure, Jill. What’s on your mind?”

“I have been thinking,” Jill said, her voice steadying, “about us. I feel like we have become more like roommates than a married couple. I miss us. I miss the romance, the connection we used to have.”

Richard’s face softened, a mixture of guilt and sadness. “I have been feeling the same way. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. I feel like I am constantly being criticised.”

Jill’s eyes widened. “Criticised? I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I just—” She hesitated, trying to find the right words. “I just want us to find a way back to each other. I miss feeling close to you. We have not had any sexual intimacy for six months. It’s like we are just roommates sharing a space.”

Richard’s defensiveness flared slightly. “It’s not that I don’t care. I do. But it’s not like I’m doing this on purpose. I’ve been stressed with work, and it seems like whatever I do is never enough for you. I feel like I’m always on edge, afraid I’ll do something wrong.”

Jill sighed; her frustration evident. “I understand that work is stressful, but I need to feel valued too. When you don’t make an effort to be romantic and intimate, I start to feel like I’m just a fixture in your life. I need to know that our relationship matters to you.” And that you still desire me.

Richard looked away, struggling with his feelings. “I feel like every time I try to express how overwhelmed I am, it just turns into another argument. I’m not sure how to win here. I want to make things better, but it feels like I’m always being judged.”

Jill reached out, her voice softening. “I’m not trying to judge you. I’m trying to understand what’s happening with us. I miss feeling like we are a team. When you shut down, it makes me feel even more disconnected. I need to know that you are still invested in us.”

Richard’s expression softened, and he took a deep breath. “Okay, I see your point. Maybe I haven’t been as attentive as I should be. But I need you to understand that I’m struggling too. I want to find a way to reconnect, but I need to feel like my efforts are acknowledged.”

Jill nodded, tears welling in her eyes. “I can work on being more understanding. I just need us both to recognise how important it is to validate each other. I want to find a way to bridge this gap, but we have to be willing to listen and support each other.”

Richard reached across the space that had grown between them and took her hand, his voice earnest. “Let’s try to be more open with each other. I’ll make an effort to show you that you are still important to me. And I need you to be patient with me as I work through my own challenges.”

They held hands, the warmth of their touch reigniting a sense of connection. They knew that mending the rift between them would take time and effort, but this was a beginning. They invested in their relationship and committed to the journey of rediscovering each other. Through marriage therapy they are embracing the small steps that would lead them to the love desire and connection. They learned how to lean in and bond on a much deeper level.

As the weeks went by, their efforts to reconnect began to bear fruit. They established a routine of daily and weekly connection and more open communication. The romance they had once known slowly began to re-emerge only it felt knew, and they learned that validation and understanding were crucial in rekindling their relationship. Through patience and mutual effort, Jill and Richard rediscovered the emotional and sexual intimacy that had long been missing, reaffirming their commitment to each other for life.

Therapist Tip:

Romance doesn’t have to fade with age, most trouble starts when couples get lazy, and they stop putting in effort with each other, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

The signal we give out when we disconnect is "I am not interested in you" which is not usually the truth.

For couples in their 50s, reintroducing intimacy can be a gentle, exciting process. Embrace the spontaneity and excitement of your early relationship by starting with small, affectionate gestures. Begin by holding hands, going on dates, and sharing tender moments. Consider playful activities such as making out, giving surprise gifts, or planning romantic evenings to reignite the spark.

Note: A little blind fold, soft music and food tasting can get help build anticipation and trust.

Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures like flowers, breakfast in bed, or playful gifts. These acts of affection can foster connection and keep the love and laughter alive.

If you have tried reconnecting and still face challenges, don’t hesitate to talk about your sex life in therapy with your relationship counsellor. Professionals can offer valuable insights and strategies tailored to your unique situation. Whether you are curious about how to adapt to changes in intimacy or need help navigating complex emotions, therapy can provide the support and tools needed to enhance your relationship.

Note: Our bodies change over the years and sometimes we need to learn to love and appreciate our bodies again.

Reinventing your intimate life at any age is possible and can be deeply rewarding. Focus on being authentic, kind, and communicative with your partner. Remember, there’s no set standard for how often couples should be sexually intimate; what matters most is finding what works for both of you and expressing love in meaningful ways, it is the connection and the feeling of bonding that is most important.

Appointments for face-to-face or Zoom sessions can be scheduled via our website at www.dipac.com.au.

Kindest Regards

Darleen Barton | Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author 2010

Practitioner

Brochure?and Testimonials -?https://tinyurl.com/u9xwmj9z?

Address?Servcorp offices-?Level 1 The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600

Phone??0261983423

To Unsubscribe please email "Unsubscribe" to [email protected]

Website?www.dipac.com.au?

Mediator?Nationally Accredited | NMAS | AIFLAM | AMA|?

Facilitator Family Group Conferencing

Counsellor/ Therapist?/ Positive Psychology- Nationally Accredited |ACA|IICT

Executive coach?Nationally Accredited |ICF

?

If at any time you, a family member or friend feels overwhelmed to the point they feel they need help call immediately?000?OR?131114

There is always a way through your current thoughts.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support