Are You Listening?

It has been my experience that one of the most common reasons that people come to see a therapist is to have someone who is actually listening to them.??

There are many times in our lives when we simply need to be heard.??

We have all experienced those times when the person we hope is listening to us is actually only waiting for a gap in the conversation to be able to say ‘Me too! I’ve had exactly the same’.??Sadly, this is not listening, because although the circumstances are similar, we all experience the world in different ways and for the listener to jump in with such a response means that they have stopped listening at some point along the way and are relating everything back to their own experience.

Perhaps you have been the one doing the listening, believing that you are actively listening to the person in front of you, only to realise after the conversation that you don’t even remember exactly what was said.??Maybe you felt some of it was directed at you and your mind drifts off to defending yourself and what your response is going to be.??In any event, you are not actively listening.???

So, what exactly is active listening?

Active listening is essentially being able to listen to the person and providing a response that shows the listener has both heard and understood what was being said.

We do this by firstly?comprehending?what’s being said, without changing the subject or referring to unrelated topics.??In this phase of listening, we are trying to understand the speaker’s perspective.

Next, we show that we have?remembered?what it is the speaker has said, perhaps paraphrasing it back to them, to show that we have heard and understood.??This part of the listening process might sound like ‘so, if I’m correct, what you are saying is…..’

Then finally, we?respond?to what was said, offering feedback that demonstrates that not only have we listened to them, but we remember what they said and know what they meant.??We don’t need to rush in with a response, we can demonstrate that we are listening and encourage the speaker to continue by nodding or smiling at them, or by asking them to elaborate.

What listening means to your relationships

In all relationships, communication is key and an essential part of communication is the skill of listening.??Being a good listener demonstrates your ability to be present to hear what others have to say.??You can learn so much from really listening to someone and allowing the focus to be on them.

We all love to be the problem solver and this is something that can frequently get in the way of active listening because instead of concentrating on what is being said, we are already actively trying to come up with the solution to the problem.??When in actual fact, the speaker may simply want to have a sounding board to vent some of their emotions and feel that someone understands them.

When people feel heard by you, they tend to be more open, communicating at a deeper level, feeling more significant and safer.??Careful listening tells the speaker that we care about what they are saying.??

This can have a mutual benefit, in that those who feel listened to by us, will probably be more inclined to listen to us when we are the ones who need to be heard.

Becoming a better listener

As with many other skills, listening is something we can become better at with practice.??The more we practice, the better we get at it and the more positive our relationships will become.??Here are some tips for improving your listening skills:

·??????Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

·??????Listen to what they mean

·??????Read their body language

·??????Show empathy

·??????Make eye contact

·??????Don’t be judgemental

·??????Notice their emotions

·??????Repeat back what you understand from them

·??????Don’t rush them

Active listening is about putting the speaker in a position of importance.??Let them know that what they have to say matters.

The benefits of feeling listened to

When we feel listened to, we experience many beneficial effects, from a sense of belonging to a sense of security that we are not alone, that others share our feelings and emotions.??We feel supported.

Some of the positives we enjoy from being listened to are:

·??????We feel understood

·??????We feel cared for and that we belong

·??????It can help us to make sense of situations that overwhelm us

·??????It gives us human connection

·??????It can help alleviate worry

‘A good listener is a witness, not a judge of your experience.’

Michael P. Nichols, author of?The Lost Art of Listening