Are you listening?

In these Covidian times, it's a no-brainer that communication has become the most important asset, mandatory even, for everyone to have. From my early career & childhood, one thing that has always been ringing in my ears from mentors, friends, families, colleagues, leads & managers is how important is the need to improve communication skills and how good communication ability brings confidence and confidence brings success. I read this very interesting statement somewhere recently - Communication sits at an important place as one of the vertices of your success pyramid (the others being technology & domain knowledge) and perfectly landed my next topic.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to make an attempt to articulate the significance of communicating well. Not only because the entire paradigm of day-to-day communication has shifted from physical to virtual but also that I've observed that it's something that is getting de-prioritized increasingly.

Listen to communicate

The 1st & most important step to communicate better is by enhancing your listening skills. Etiquette and sophistication, both in personal and business settings, are linked to how well we communicate. I used to think communication is all about speaking and often ended up devaluing the importance of listening. And many a time never realized what a vast difference there is between simply hearing what is being said and really listening. I've, over time, realized that when I listen more, I learn more & I care more, and end up making better networks & relationships personally, socially and professionally.

Here are my experiences...

Mind Your (Body) Language

First & foremost, eyes are a dead giveaway if you are not listening. When the mind wanders, I find myself thinking of something or someone else and the eyes immediately show the disinterest. Second, posture. Third, appearance. And, as I came later to realize, the person/s speaking to me or being spoken to is/are well aware that I'm not paying attention and all of the above are significant clues.

I'm reminded of several years ago when I bought myself a 'Blackberry'. It was fascinating to get email on your device and most of us couldn't take our eyes off it even for a moment constantly trying to refresh the screen to see if there was new email - even though it was 'push mail'! This behavior was everywhere - in one-on-one conversations, team meetings, meetings with CxOs, meetings with customers - no one was spared. In fact, it spread like a yawn - it was almost irresistible not to whip open your Blackberry the second you saw someone else do it. I'm sure you're visualizing it - that slow reach to the device, that body slouch and careful extension of the left hand below the table to take it down and switch on the display, that agonizing few seconds when you don't see any eye-contact in the room for you to look down at the screen! It's a poisonous mix of cues that scream - I'm not interested in this meeting!

While earlier email-on-phone or Blackberry was restricted to some senior folks, now the smartphone is a distraction everywhere and it's not just email - it's an explosion of channels & news! So, issue compounded a million times. I think I've made my point sufficiently well. And, let me confess it took some very tenacious restraint to get out of that habit!

And, btw, this is true even if I didn't look away (but stayed disinterested) and that's happened several times when I was trying to master the art of listening. Blank stares don't conceal boredom or lack of interest!

Evaluate to hone your listening skills

I learned by observation and advise that a good listener uses his/her eyes and mind while listening. Sometimes I found myself already formulating the next sentence in my mind while someone is speaking to me or trying to ask a question that will put me in the situation to answer it as well. I realized that I was not only doing injustice to the conversation but also insulting the host & audience (their time, at least). I came to realize that I get more out of the conversation if I understand, comprehend and assimilate what is being said BEFORE responding.

Good etiquette = listening with interest and showing it! In my current role, I've seen it happening during interviews. Interviews are discussions to understand each other - the interviewer to understand and know the candidate's capabilities and the candidate to know the role's requirements and the organization he/she is getting into. How many times have we found ourselves trying hard to ask a question that the candidate will not have an answer to? I've been in this trap many a time in the early stages of my career - break out of it! Because, if you find yourself doing it - you are not listening and therefore you are not communicating.

Just breathe & listen

I reached a very important milestone when I had the revelation that the difference between being a good listener versus a great listener is using the heart in addition to eyes and mind while listening.

Do you do this? I often found myself the perpetrator of these blunders:

~ If a teammate or colleague tells me something is wrong, I immediately tended to counter & give advice or criticism

~ If a friend tells me about something wonderful or bad that has happened, I usually chip in with something similar that I have experienced - more often that not, in a grade or level higher than what was told

What were the outcomes when I did this? I ended up not sharing the joy or sympathizing with pain. To communicate, I realized the most fundamental thing is to let others speak! To improve my listening skills, I started practicing with family and very close friends - where I could measure the reactions of my experiments! For example, when family members or friends shared their thoughts and feelings, I would curtail the urge to relate what I heard to one of my own experiences and very soon I felt the magic of communication unfurl through this new found ability to just listen! I now felt confident, that if this small tweak had such an impact with my near & dear ones who would love & like me nevertheless, it will definitely work with others who had a choice. And, work it did, fabulously!

You can often gauge your progress by the number of people that want to talk to you and call you to seek your opinion. I can tell you that the number of good friends and close relationships I made & mended using this simple technique is too many to count. Ask yourself the question - how many conversations do you have with your teams & managers outside of an audience and not scheduled? And why not?

Feeling stuck in conversations?

I believe 'interested people are interesting'. Similarly, do 'boring people get bored'? Contrary to my earlier belief, I found through my experiences with listening, that I really didn't need to know a whole lot about a subject to have a conversation. I realized I just needed to have a desire to learn, understand and make things interesting!

Let me narrate something that happened earlier this year. My mother-in-law (a recent graduate in Vaishnavism at the young age of 62!) & I discuss spirituality very often. She, being extremely pious and religious, consistently brings in a flavor of religion into our conversations. Initially, I found it very difficult not to interrupt her interpretations of mythology (she'd be furious when I used to call the Hindu epics that) with extreme rationalist thought. More often that not, we'd end the conversations abruptly and agree to disagree, at best. But as I started listening to her more and started challenging myself to contribute to her thought with some of my own by introducing a simple phrase - "what if", as in "what if the Pandavas were the bad guys and the Kauravas were the good ones?" or "what if Raavana was the real hero who was misguided & misinterpreted?". I realized, slowly, that I could achieve a delicate balance between us. Our conversations last much longer these days and it always ends both sides with - let me read about this more and come back.

I strongly believe good communication always makes a conversation to be looked forward to and digging deep and creating meaningful conversations enhances it. Sometimes, it does take me that extra effort to prepare so that I can add value to the conversation but it's always win-win with more learning added to better communication.

Making listening work

My experiences have taught me these 3 mantras that I continue to follow religiously (not perfect yet, but evolving every day):

1. Listen more intently, question sincerely, and speak with the emotion of understanding. Build interesting conversations instead of one-way lectures. Communication is not a means to an end, it's a tool to create!
2. Engage people while you speak - but balance it. Solicit opinion - do not assume that you know more than the other; even if you do, you don't have to show it - you're not trying to win a debate contest
3. Try not to speak continuously for long periods. People tend to have short attention spans.

Finally, when I started observing my own communication abilities, it was very clear that when I didn't listen to what others were saying and only cared to listen to my own voice, it was an indication that I really didn't care for other people's opinions. Now, when I think about who I really enjoy being around, at work or in my personal life it's usually it is those who really listen and care about me.

Are you listening?

Until next week then, folks. Have a wonderful rest of the week and a great weekend! Stay safe.