Are You Listening?

How much time have you spent developing your listening skills?

When we think about the time we spend learning how to read, how to write and how to speak, the basic pillars of communication, vs how much time is given to listening, we start to see a significant gap appearing.

I have been listening to the The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey.

One of the areas that really got me thinking was the section on empathetic communication.

Empathic?communication, in the simplest definition, means showing the other person that s/he is listened to and that their inner universe (thoughts, emotions, attitudes, values, etc.) is being understood.

Hopefully you are already familiar with the?10-35-55 rule suggesting 10% of communication is in the words, 35% is in the tone and 55% is in the body language.

In empathic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart.?You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behaviour. You use your right brain as well as your left says Stephen.

'Seek first to understand then to be understood'

To understand another, you have to listen to them.?

Covey suggests that we are filled with our own rightness and collective monologues, when another person speaks, we typically listen at one at four levels:

Covey breaks down what he believes are different levels of listening:?

• Level 1: May not be listening, ignoring the other person entirely
• Level 2: Pretending to listen to the person, making listening gestures; uh huh, yes...
• Level 3: Selectively listening to what they’re saying, picking out certain words
• Level 4: Attentively listening to them, capturing the words

and then there is level 5

• Listening to the speaker with empathy?

The 5th level is the highest level of listening and is not from the usual learnt techniques such as mimicking the words used, or truncated from character and relationships, or autobiographical, which typically has the intent to reply to control influence motivate and manipulate.?

Imagine how many times, in work, or life we have had conversations with our loved ones, colleagues or friends and we just don't seem to be getting through, we don't seem to be heard, understood or validated, we know how frustrating this can be, right? But imagine how much more effective we could be, how we could create better situations with our co-workers, peers, or partners. Working on this small but significantly important area could be transformative to having far better relationships, team engagement, loyalty and performance.

Empathic listening gets inside another's frame of reference so you can see the world how they see the world, it is not sympathy and it does not mean that you agree with the other person, only that you seek to fully understand them says Covey.

So what can we do to practice better listening?

Here are some top tips from the book but with some added as well. As always it would be great to hear yours, so do let me know if you have any thoughts in the comments below, or you can direct message me also.

• Clear your mind before starting a conversation, put down your phone, or turn away from your computer, TV or other distraction
• If you are going into an important conversation or meeting, gather your thoughts and try and remove any assumptions you have about how or where the conversation might go
• Make time
• Listen with your ears and your heart and without judging
• Avoid interrupting them or cutting off their sentences before finishing
• Give people time to think, don't be too eager to rush in when there are moments of silence
• Clarify or ensure you understood what they said
• Ask open-ended questions to understand their?feelings or perspective
• Try your best to refrain from giving advice especially your autobiographical story
• While you listen, consider what the other person is feeling and try putting yourself in their position to understand their point of view better, remember you do not need to agree, or feel the same to understand