Are You Listening To Me?

One of my father's favorite go to statements when he was trying get his point across to me and my two brothers was, "Are you listening to ME?". I think by the time we had reached our late teens, he had uttered that question (more of a statement of frustration) several thousand times. Now to set the record straight we heard every word he spoke, but that was not the reason he kept on asking, "Are you listening to Me?".

Dad knew we heard him, but he also knew at times, we let what he said go in one ear and out the other. Mom knew this painful reality too, as she was constantly repeating herself, "Did you clean your room or take out the trash?", until eventually the power button was forcefully pressed on our Nintendo. When that happened, we stopped hearing and started listening.

In the business world, have you ever felt like my parents? Everyone hears you, but no one is really listening. I am sure that we have all felt that pain from time to time. Why is it that so many are intent on hearing but not really listening? You have probably heard the statement:

Most people listen with the intention of how to reply rather than with the intention to understand what is being said.

What does that really mean? Let me give an example. Recently I had the opportunity to attend a sales conference where some common customer issues were selected to use in a role playing scenario. Problems such as late orders, high prices, and poor communication, were used as topics that were addressed to the sales group. The interesting thing was that more often than not the individuals on the the hearing side of the table were doing just that. You could see the wheels turning and the look of, 'How can I defend my position?' on their faces. Now to be fair, I probably would not have performed any better, as it is difficult to think and listen in a high pressure environment, where you may not have any idea what the customer is going to say next.

In many cases, the complainant will use absolute terms such as, ALWAYS & NEVER, to describe their problem. The thing is, we want to solve that problem, and so we respond quickly and decisively without really understanding what the real issue is. We have now painted ourselves into a corner and made the situation worse. What can help?

Having two ears and one mouth is nature's way of telling us how much we should listen.

Here are some suggestions on how to listen with the intent of understanding:

Answer their question with a follow up question. For example, if they ask, 'Why are my orders always late?', you could reply, 'Is there a specific order that really bombed on delivery?' or 'I really hate to hear that, can you give me some details on what happened?'

Don't interrupt. They may say something that really gets us fired up or that is completely erroneous. That's ok, just let them get it out, then respond to what they said, acknowledge them and their feelings even if what they said is not completely accurate.

Listen to their body language. Pay attention to how they position their arms and the type of eye contact being made. What is the inflection in their voice? Respond with a posture of hands out and palms up. This posture is inviting and de-escalating. Try to use a calm tone in your voice. Do not mirror their emotions or play the good cop bad cop game.

Ultimately our goal when listening is to UNDERSTAND. Not every situation is reconcilable. There may be need for more dialogue. But remember, people will always remember how you made them feel regardless of the outcome. If we only hear what the customer says, they may push the power button off on our relationship. If we really LISTEN to what they are saying, then we can look forwarded to a much stronger relationship.