Are You Listening?

In last week's Mental Prune Juice Thursdays! newsletter, I wrote about the need to listen...not talk. This newsletter was the highest engaged piece since I started my weekly newsletters in 2021 (67 in total). Since we are coming up to the social media frenzy that is "Let's Talk Day," I thought it might be a good idea to arm ourselves with how we can prepare ourselves to properly listen by sharing a bit of the newsletter...because people want to talk and it's honest, open, non-judgemental listening that will help save lives.

“Emma felt that she could not now show greater kindness than in listening.”?―?Jane Austen

I'm sure you know that, in Canada, we are about to become bombarded with a yearly social media campaign called "Let's Talk."

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It's a campaign driven by a media conglomerate, meant to encourage people to talk in order to reduce the stigma around mental illness.

While I do believe the campaign has raised great funds for many mental health resources across the country, I also know that it is a dangerous phrasing of "let's talk" that they are using.?

For - people want to talk. They want to be heard, believed, and just listened to. Yet, we, as a society have not been properly taught how to listen. To listen with intent, without judgement, with curiosity, and without inserting our own opinion into someone else's mental health journey. When someone bravely talks about the mental health struggles they've come up against, if we're not prepared to listen, we may inadvertently cause deeper harm to this individual on their path to healing.?

It isn't a matter of "let's talk." No - it's a matter of

"Let's listen!"

And great leaders listen. In fact, it was a?great leader, who had cultivated a?great team culture?that helped me on my own mental health journey by simply listening during my corporate days.?

In?their listening, I was able to make the choice to acknowledge where I was struggling and then choose to get the help I needed. Listening held me accountable to choosing help...and choosing to live.?

It can be a scary thing to listen to others. It can be - and most likely will be - one of the most uncomfortable things we'll ever do in this world. Yet, it is one of the bravest, kindest, and most hope-inducing things we can ever do for someone who is already desperate to be heard.

But, you may be asking,?how do we listen? Isn't it simply the opposite of talking?

I used to believe so, thinking that I was a good listener because I didn't speak much. And I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

There are loads of ways to prepare to listen, to listen during the conversation, and to make certain that a conversation has a real impact post-listening. Below are five itty bitty ways to start your listening practice, helping?you prepare for when you are called to listen.

Tap into your curiosity

Great listeners are curious.

Internally, when someone is sharing, you may feel something triggered in your own self. Note this, get curious about it (post conversation) as this is telling you something about yourself and your own story, values, and beliefs. Not the other person.

Externally, ask questions to?help the speaker explore their own thoughts. A little "tell me more" or "when did you first notice this?" or "was there a particular instance that made you think this?" Ask these in such a way that you aren't looking for answers. Rather, you're encouraging the individual to better understand all that's going on in their head. A wee note to remember is that we rarely say what we mean right out of the gate. After all - we think at 900 words/minute...but we only speak at 125 (on average).?

Practice: instead of responding to someone the next time they come to you, help them explore the problem they're up against. Use "tell me more" or "what else" to help them uncover what it is they're trying to say.?

Embrace the pause?

When silence happens, so many of us rush in to save the other person, giving them words to use, or (sometimes worse) starting to tell our own story to show how we can relate.

Simply sit in the pause and let the speaker sort through the words sifting through their mind. We do not need to respond to every sentence they have. We merely need to be non-judging ears. As we hear so often, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Use them accordingly.?

Even more, when we embrace the pause, we allow ourselves to listen to what's not being said - the white space between the words. What is showing on the person's face (when on Zoom or in person). How they're holding their body. All of these tell us huge pieces of the individual's story and we'd?be remiss to ignore these very loud visuals.?

Practice: in a conversation with a colleague, team member, or even family member, fight the urge to respond when they stop speaking. Let a minimum of 15 seconds of silence go by. You'll be surprised by what the speaker will say next.

Remember context, context, context

One of the "rules" that I've started to live by is that we cannot judge someone until we know their whole story...and we'll never know their whole story.?

Everything we do in life is guided by the sum of all our experiences. Everything. This is why no two people ever have the exact same journey. When someone comes and shares with you, recognize that there is way more context informing the words that they are saying. Context that you will never be fully privy to...because they themselves most likely aren't even aware of how everything has influenced their thoughts, feelings, and actions up to this point.?

Even more, we often start recounting our stories from the middle. This makes it tricky for the listener to then understand how to support the speaker in exploring their thoughts.?

Practice: help the individual explore the backstory of a problem they're sharing. Ask them a simple, "when did you first notice this" or "how long has this been troubling/impacting/hindering/etc. you?"

Listen with your whole body

Listening goes beyond?well-Q-tipped ears (although...this helps. Just ask my husband...although I think there's some selective choice happening there). Listening is about tuning into where you, the listener, are at in your own mind, body, and focus.?

Tune into how your?body itself is feeling - note the emotion that you may be carrying within you so you're aware of the lens you're listening through (e.g., are you agitated from something that just happened?). This will also help you recognize when you become distracted during the conversation (even great listeners do) so you can more quickly bring the speaker's words back into ear focus.

Practice: prepare for a conversation by:

• putting your phone on Do Not Disturb,
• drinking a glass of water prior to the conversation and having a glass of water with you during the convo,
• turning your body to face the individual (and removing anything in between you and them (e.g., your computer). Heck - turn off your computer screen so you're not visually distracted.?
• take 15 deep breaths prior to the conversation to refocus your mind, slow your breathing, and ready your body to listen.

Give, don't pay attention

These may seem similar, but there is a huge difference between giving and paying attention. Paying attention creates a subconscious expectation that you'll receive something for listening. Whereas giving attention is a gift you're giving to someone. We think of paying attention as a captain calling their troops to order...or a teacher trying to get a rowdy class to calm down. Paying for something creates expectations of a return. Giving creates space for exploration and kindness.

Practice: do not pay attention when someone asks for your ears this week. Give your attention to them. Notice how you listen differently and how this impacts the speaker's energy.

Listening is a beautiful form of art. One where we must practice the varying techniques, the subtleties within (and without), and the ability to recognize what's our story and what's the speaker's. Listening is an underrated skill that will create a deeper connection between people. In a world where everyone is already talking, listening is what will make you stand out and have an impact that creates great ripples of good for those around you.?

A few resources to help in your own listening journey:

• Book: Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters
• Books: Oscar Trimboli, 1) Deep Listening, 2) How to Listen
• Organization: Listen First Project, www.listenfirstproject.org
• Organization: International Listening Association

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What listening skills are you going to practice in conversations this week? How are you going to strive to bring "let's listen" into your workplaces, homes, and greater communities?