Are You Listening?

There is a certain irony in that as we become more and more connected to others virtually and the world effectively becomes smaller, we in turn become more and more disconnected from those physically near us. It’s no secret that in this world of smart phones and social media it is easier than ever to keep up with friends and family on the far side of the world but it seems to be getting harder to have a face to face conversation with those around the corner. Actual conversation appears to be a dying art as it is estimated that youth send upwards of one-hundred texts a day and would rather text their friends than actually talk to them.

Don’t believe me?

Try this, go to any public place, say a restaurant, and look around. You’ll notice that many (possibly most) of the patrons spend the majority of their time there staring at the screen on their phone rather than talking to those sitting at their table. Even when someone says something to them, including the server, they tend to answer without even looking up.

So, what can you do?

You’ve likely heard or read about the various ways to be an “active listener”, i.e. make eye contact, nod your head, make sounds like “mmm hmm”, repeat back a summary of what the person said, etc. These techniques are to convince the other person that you are, in fact, listening to them. The reality is that it is actually much simpler…and at the same time harder…to truly listen. It requires a little bit of effort on your part but if you are actually listening there tends to be no need to convince the other person that you are…

So how do we do this?

Actually be present in the moment.

Sounds simple, right? It is much harder than one might think in our ADD world. Being present in the moment is much more than putting down your phone and making eye contact, it means to focus, to really pay attention to what the person is saying and the context. That means you have to try hard to not let your mind drift to what you want for lunch or trying to remember what you were supposed to pick up at the grocery store or any of the hundreds of other things vying for your attention. All those other concerns will still be there when you finish your conversation, they can wait.

In essence you treat each conversation as if you are interviewing the person and showing genuine interest in what they have to say. If you aren’t actually interested then why are you having the conversation? The type of questions you ask will greatly influence the tone and quality of your conversation. For example, rather than asking “Were you angry?” try asking, “How did that make you feel?” Allow them to fill in the blanks rather than responding with a one word answer…that you led them to. The more you ask this type of question, the fewer questions you generally need to ask. Once the person senses you are actually interested they will tend to relax and open up making the conversation much more casual, relaxed and pleasant.

But what about people you don’t like or have differences of opinion with?

Unfortunately, from time to time we all have to deal with those we don’t care for (especially in business) and, yes, there are many people who won’t agree with our opinions on some things regardless this strategy still works with them. Chances are you already know what topics to steer clear of in order to have a productive conversation so unless that’s your point, stay away from them! There is a reason you are having the conversation with that person so stick to it. Once you have the information you need, politely end the conversation and move on.

Every person that you interact with, from the CEO to the custodian, has value and something they can teach you. If you approach each conversation with an open mind and try to actually listen to what the person is saying rather than prejudging the outcome, you might be very surprised what you can learn. Everyone is knowledgeable about something and most are happy to share that information. Something to keep in mind though, if you don’t want to know then don’t ask.

Now put the phone down and go talk to someone!