Are You Listening?

“Are you listening?” probably could be carved onto my gravestone; it has been such a part of my life. Listening has never been one of my strong suits. When I say, “What?” my wife usually replies, “Were you listening?” I probably wasn’t, but at my age I can now claim being hard of hearing.

For much of my life I have been a poor listener. The earliest exception was that I did listen to my parents and followed their advice. I wanted to be the dutiful son and not get into trouble, plus I hadn’t arrived at the point where I thought I knew it all and therefore didn’t need to listen.

My evolution to becoming an abysmal listener was a slow journey. The barriers were my introversion and unsure self-confidence. My tendency was, and still is to an extent, to listen and believe what people tell me. This was my modus operandi and part of my naiveté.

But, based on my career success, I began to think that I was frequently right and therefore the decisions should be mine without much input. It was an arrogant position. When I did listen, it was to formulate my response on why the point was ill advised, not logical, or just based on shallow thinking. I wasn’t listening for comprehension; I was listening as a way to compete, show intellectual superiority, and win. It didn’t serve me well.

As a young professional I was an idealist and not always pragmatic. I was regularly on my soapbox about some issue about which I was passionate. I was the human resources manager for Esso Chemical Canada in the late 1970s. I reported to the president, George Morton. He was one of my all-time favorite bosses. I was in his office one morning preaching on some topic. Apparently I had brought it up one too many times and George was tired of hearing about it. I suspect he had given me several signals to move on, but I wasn’t listening. George finally said, “Doug, shut up!” I did hear that.

I have discovered over the years that listening is more than just hearing—it’s to seek understanding of another person’s opinion. The goal is to uncover a different point of view that could change my mind and decisions. Or offer a friendly ear that won’t respond with condescension, criticism, or indifference. It involves empathy and compassion.

Listening concerns more than my auditory system; it must engage my heart. Listening with an open heart insures the message will be received with love and gratitude. This helps open and candid communications.

The final element to listening is recognizing the messages sent by my body. When I hear something that upsets me that is counter to my worldview or has the potential to make me angry, I try to listen to my body. Is my body tense, nervous? Does my stomach feel upset? Is my head feeling pressured? By focusing on my body, I attempt to relax and try to understand why my body is disturbed. Is it a rational reaction? How can I stay open to the message?

Commanding the complete package of listening skills is a great asset. It provides a gift that everyone wants to receive: to be listened to. The power of listening is illustrated by James Beathword’s last words.

Texas has completed over 500 prisoner executions since the death penalty was reinstated in Texas. There is a record kept of the final words spoken by the condemned. One statement that struck me was given by James Lee Beathword, who murdered his accomplice's father, stepmother, and half-brother. He had a long statement in December 1999, which included the following:

"Couple of matters that I want to talk about, since this is one of the few times people will listen to what I have to say."

We all have a strong desire to be listened to. As a matter of respect and honor I hope to listen more and talk less. I might even learn something!