Effective Tips for Being More Assertive at Work!

Summary: Learn how to set up clear boundaries and say ‘no’ without feeling guilty. ‘Assertiveness’ is an essential communication skill that allows you to speak up for yourself in a proactive manner in the workplace. Here I clarify the concept and compile a list of the most common behaviours, the main assertive techniques, and some practical communication tactics.

“The best gifts are never given, but claimed” (Warren Ellis)

Not long ago, I had the chance to meet a group of graduates that had just started their first full-time employment. When they learned that my particular field of expertise was improving employee experience at work, they all immediately started to tell me how disappointed they were with their (first) assignments (!?).

When I learned about their individual experiences, I must admit their employers were not doing a good job in managing these young professionals. I concluded that their bad work experience was heightened by them being led by inexperienced managers and supervisors.

Those graduates mentioned they felt overcontrolled and micromanaged, they believed their line-managers did not delegate properly (delegating important matters too passively or abruptly), they considered their managers to be unreceptive and unresponsive (inexistent two-way communication), they didn’t give credit where credit was due (lack of appreciation/recognition), and finally, they thought their supervisors did not manage their time properly and coordinated their teams very poorly (inadequate planning).

However, I consider the problem to be two-fold here: not only the manager is at fault, but also the young employee. The reality is that young employees also contribute to this situation due to their lack of confidence and ability to raise and object to work-related concerns. I must say that becoming more ‘assertive’ and the ability to confidently speak-up are practical skills that younger employees lack. These are not usually taught at higher education institutions but are essential at corporate, business, and functional levels throughout the whole employee lifecycle.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness at the workplace means being positive and confident in communicating your opinions, suggestions, challenges, and desires. It means making yourself and your points clear in front of colleagues. It is about approaching conflict head-on and making it about the problem itself rather than the recipient.

Employees who are assertive, self-assured, and confident, are usually able to get their points across without becoming upset and without upsetting others. This is a critical skill when it comes to working with colleagues and getting things done.

In this respect employees need to stand up for their own opinions in a calm and positive way. It is essential for them to be able to speak up their mind, but without being rude and aggressive, or passively accepting other people’s unwelcomed preferences or requests. Arguing or indirectly offending colleagues is extremely unprofessional and counterproductive.

Remember, demonstrating too low assertiveness and you will never get your way. You simply become the so-called ‘People-Pleaser’ or even ‘Doormat’ at work! On the other hand, too high assertiveness and you will have more enemies than necessary. Finding the right balance is at the heart of interacting with people. See image below.

Do You Lack Assertive Skills?

We all notice non-assertive employees, those that constantly procrastinate and are unable to take decisive actions and decisions. So, what are the signs showing that you, as an employee, may be lacking assertiveness skills? Consider the following checklist:

• Answering ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No.’
• Preferring not to offer your opinion at work because it could be deemed unpopular.
• Not daring to defend yourself at work when incorrectly blamed for something.
• Having too many urgent assignments with strict deadlines.
• Not having time for your family and personal affairs.
• Staying at work when everyone else has already left.

Lack of assertiveness is a common weakness among younger employees. At work it refers to saying ‘YES’ to others when you do not agree to what they are requesting or saying, irrespective of their designation and level in the organisational hierarchy.

Benefits of Being Assertive

In general, assertive people make great employees and managers. They get things done by treating colleagues fairly and with respect. This simply encourages others to treat you the same way in return. Assertive employees are often well-liked and are seen as colleagues that people want to actively work with.

Assertive communication techniques are particularly relevant for employees who regularly need to influence others to achieve their objectives, and an absolute must for anybody who must deal with especially difficult or challenging personalities in the workplace.

Assertiveness, especially in challenging work environments, offer many rewards, including the following:

• Helps employees become better leaders. It increases their self-confidence and self-respect.
• Increases the effectiveness of communication during conflict or confrontation.
• Improves decision making and facilitates delegation of tasks and responsibilities.
• Helps employees become better negotiators by enabling them to get what they need without upsetting others.
• Improves positive relationships among team members, increases employee engagement, job satisfaction and overall psychological well-being / mental health.

Assertive communications skills enable employees to remain calm in demanding and problematic situations so that they can retain control while addressing the problem and ensuring that their voice is heard.

Having this sort of people skills can make a big difference when it comes to career progression. Most employers know that managing people means dealing with a wide range of personalities. Assertiveness is a trait that will help employees, particularly managers, coordinate people more effectively, irrespective of the backgrounds and the types of character that they reveal.

Assertive Behaviours

It is easy to spot assertive employees at work. The most effective leaders are assertive and have good judgment. Although they are positive and self-confident, they are neither condescending, overconfident or aggressive. While they are self-assured in what they say, an assertive employee is calm but firm and proactive at communicating. Their body language is assured yet relaxed, making eye contact and maintaining a controlled voice (volume and speed) when talking. So, what can employees do to be more assertive without becoming obnoxious? Here I have compiled 20 common characteristics and behaviours of assertive employees and managers (See image below - The Assertiveness Wheel!).

1. Show confidence: You will never look confident if you are unnecessarily sugar-coating stories and are not sure of what you are saying. It is far easier to stand up for yourself when you understand the value you bring to the team. Reinforce your self-belief in your capabilities, smartness, creativeness. Stay positive, you merit respect, try to use ‘I’ statements, you deserve to be listened to. People do not like interacting and believing in those who easily relinquish hope, always give in, and have already lost faith.

2. Ask for what you want: If you do not ask for what you need, you will simply never get it. Tell people clearly what you require, what you are looking for, or what is not working for you. Express your opinions, ideas, and requirements in a simple and concise manner, without any unnecessary explanations, superfluous elaboration, or apologies.

3.?Pick your battles wisely: Do judge the situation and decide if the potential provocation or challenge is of relevance. Always try to avoid unnecessary fights or arguments with colleagues. Just stay quiet and ignore trivial and inconsequential work-related disputes. Concentrate your efforts only on significant problems. On unimportant small issues sometimes it is best to just let them pass.

4.?Escalate if appropriate: If you have unsuccessfully tried to solve an internal requirement, problem or dispute, and there is no cooperation from colleagues and/or subordinates, never leave the issue unresolved. Keep track of all those requests that were unmet or communications that went unanswered, create a concise summary of the situation, and escalate to the appropriate managerial level for immediate resolution of the problem.

5.?Always prepare beforehand: Find out what makes you tense, uneasy and anxious. Understand your own weaknesses. This approach will help you develop tactics to address each of those personal concerns. Good preparation will improve your self-confidence, judgment and conviction. For example, practice well before going for a conference, business discussion or presentation.?Always plan and rehearse your content well. Gather all the facts, analyse them carefully and examine the trends you wish to discuss.

6.?Learn to say ‘NO’: If you are asked to do something that you do not want to do, it is better to say ‘no’ straightaway rather than giving lame excuses. Remember why you are saying ‘no’ and offer a valid reason to support your decision. It is always better to get to the point quickly. If you cannot think of any justifiable reasons on the spot, just say you will think about it and will come back with an answer at a later stage. Never allow people to force you into rushed decisions.

7.?Establish boundaries: You need to learn to set clear limits at work. You need to be very clear on what you find inappropriate (e.g., excessive workload, tight deadlines, improper jokes, mockery, gossips, etc.). People need to understand what is acceptable to you and what is not. Setting and maintaining boundaries means that your colleagues and higher managerial levels understand the type of professional relationship you expect.

8.?Set clear expectations: When delegating tasks do not expect colleagues to understand exactly what and how you want these delivered. You must provide clear guidelines to ensure your expectations are met. Provide instructions that clearly transmit your exact requirements. Do not waffle or soften your message in such a way that it is diluted (e.g., avoid ‘should’ or ‘could’). Allow and even encourage questions. To avoid any potential misunderstandings, summarise all agreements and requirements in post-meeting minutes.

9.?Walk your talk: Lecturing others is very easy, the real challenge is to become a role-model, doing exactly what you expect from others. The most effective managers model the changes they desire in others. Be consistent in your behaviour, practice what you preach, set an example for others. Ensure your team fully understands the rules and that these directives apply to everyone, including the boss, all the time.

10.??Listen actively: Regardless if you agree or not with colleagues and team members, consider their views and patiently respond to each of them. Be considerate, do listen carefully to them, do not interrupt, resist the urge to push yourself forward, wait for your turn to speak. Do try to ask open questions to further understand their point of view.

11.?Manage your emotions: It will be impossible for you to be assertive at work if you let your negative emotions get out of control. It is essential to maintain self-control on how you express your wishes, personal thoughts, and feelings. You need to stay calm and choose your words carefully. Unhelpful blame and speaking impulsively out of anger lead to saying things that people regret later. If you realise your emotions are rising, before tackling sensitive work-related issues (e.g. being pressured to take on additional workload) I suggest you wait until your initial frustration subsides by asking for additional time to think and consider the situation/request.

12.?Be prepared to compromise: There are times when you need to compromise and accommodate the needs of others to develop trust and loyalty. Assertiveness is about looking for an outcome that is good for everyone involved, so provided the outcome of your conversation/discussion/bargain does not negatively impact the realisation of your initial goals, be prepared to compromise.

13.?Empower people: Assertive managers provide their employees with some degree of autonomy and control in their daily activities. They involve people in decision making. When employees are involved and feel encouraged to speak up, disagree, offer personal remarks, or challenge assumptions, better resolutions emerge.

14.?Give honest feedback: Employee feedback, if delivered in the wrong way, can fully disengage, demoralise, and even upset employees. Assertive feedback emphasises facts and not feelings. You need to be direct and strike a professional tone by choosing the right words to deliver an honest message. Your feedback needs to balance negative views with praise. It needs to take the form of a dialogue by also letting people explain their side of the story. Remember, in the end, your goal is to swiftly rectify the issue at hand and guide people to achieve great things.

15.?Foster good work relationships: Assertive employees who are admired and liked by colleagues do wield enormous influence and informal authority, hence they are in a better position to request people to take on difficult tasks. On the other hand, employees who hold no respect and are disliked by their teams do not exercise any sort of influence or authority, all they manage to get is resistance.

16.?Look for opportunities to collaborate: Non-assertive employees are often reluctant to ask for help because they fear rejection, are worried about being wrongly seen as incapable, or want to prove themselves in front of colleagues. This is the sort of attitude that leads to failure. Assertive managers do take care to connect with people at all levels of the organisation. They cooperate and make themselves accessible to everyone.

17.?Address people by name: You will sound more confident and professional if you address people by their names when interacting with them. It does not only show you know who they are, it also helps the listener understand you are engaging directly with them and wish for action.

18.?Adjust your speech: Assertive employees speak in a relaxed and calm manner, without seeming indifferent or apathetic. They project their voice clearly and speak with confidence. In this respect you should be loud enough to be heard without sounding like you are shouting. Talking too fast can also be an issue because of perceived uneasiness/nervousness.

19.?Maintain confident body language: If you look confident, colleagues at work will see you as self-assured and assertive before you even begin to speak. Do look at people in the eye, keep a smile, stand tall/straight, with your shoulders back, chest out, and head up. Also evaluate your proximity when you talk to others, do not invade other people’s space. Ensure your arms, hands, and gestures are relaxed.

20.?Wear the right outfit: Your decision on what clothes you wear needs to be aligned with your work environment and the people with whom you are to communicate. Investing some time and effort into how you look will reinforce your message and will encourage people to take you more seriously.

Assertiveness Techniques

Assertiveness can be learned and practised! You can be assertive without being obnoxious and pushy. Consider the following techniques (Smith, M.J., When I say no, I feel guilty - 1975), these may be useful to you:

• Broken record: This technique consists of simply repeating your requests or your refusals, for as long as necessary every time you are met with resistance, for example: “I won’t be able to work late this evening” / “Yes, I understand you are under a great deal of stress, but I won’t be able to work late” / “That is really not relevant to the main issue which is that I will not be able to work late” and so on – Just make sure you do not introduce any other information into the line or start making excuses. The broken record technique requires you to repeat the same response again and again, until the other person becomes clear that you are not going to change your mind. The trick is to stay calm, be very clear on your position and what you want to achieve, stick to the point and never surrender.
• Fogging: The idea is when someone criticises you, you do not return the arguments that were thrown at you, you simply acknowledge something in their criticism you agree with and ignore the rest. This technique is generally not used until someone begins to behave aggressively. It allows you to stay in control and diffuse the situation. For example: “I agree with you on how you feel about these last minute changes, though let me explain…” or “You are quite right about recent business decisions on our part. I totally agree with you. Let us bear in mind though that managers and supervisors have not behaved ideally either…” or “Certainly, you are entitled to you own opinion and I respect that. Still I interpret what happened differently because…” or “You are right about the recent price increase. This is however out of my control. What I can do for you is…” When you use this technique, you confuse the aggressor because the last thing they expect is for you to agree with them in any way.
• Negative inquiry: Negative enquiry is a way to respond to direct criticism and negative exchanges. It consists of requesting further, more specific information, for example: Sender “That report of yours was pure garbage, I can't remember the last time I read something so useless” – Receiver: “I agree it wasn't the best, exactly what didn’t you like about it?” – This technique is used to find out more about critical comments. The idea is to keep asking questions until the sender realises his initial comments were too harsh or runs out of arguments to support his initial allegation.
• Negative assertion: It involves accepting the truthful part of a criticism made against you, and stating it in positive terms (and it can be mixed with a bit of humour) e.g. Sender: “You are always making mistakes” – Receiver: “I have to admit, I'm not perfect” or Sender: “Your choice of supplier didn't quite work out did it!” – Receiver: “You're right. I probably shouldn't go to that place again!” - This technique is a good alternative to potentially responding in an aggressive or angry manner to criticism.
• I-statements: Saying ‘You did this’ or ‘You didn’t do that’ does sound aggressive. However, describing how you feel about the situation states your position on the matter while opening the dialogue. Use ‘I’ statements as a way to convey your feelings and perspectives as non-blaming, non-critical and non-shaming as possible. The response focuses on the sender’s feelings, actions, and beliefs, rather than those of the receiver, for example: “I find it really difficult working here, I think that specific assignments and tasks don't get done that need to be done and I'm worried about the future of this organisation.” Always focus on yourself: “I don’t agree” rather than “You are wrong” or “I am treated unfairly” rather than “You are so unfair”.

Some Practical Assertive Phrases

Assertiveness involves learning how to avoid being taken advantage of by others. Being assertive can be difficult, but once assertiveness skills are mastered, they will improve your ability to effectively deal with people at work and in private life. Here I provide some sample phrases that will help you understand the concept and become more assertive at work:

• Admonishing people: “I do not appreciate that tone, you need to find a different way to communicate your thoughts.” - “I didn’t appreciate what you did.” - “I feel offended by your remark.” - “I don’t like it when you consistently miss dates you have committed to.” - “I need to know how this can be corrected going forward.” - “I get frustrated when you don’t acknowledge my contributions to the project.” - “I felt uncomfortable with the way you presented the business case to our project.” - “I want to know I have your attention during this conversation.” - “Please don’t read your email while I am presenting.”
• Opposing ideas: “Can I pause you there?” - “I disagree with you. I see the situation this way.” - “I would like you to respect my point of view.” - “I feel this is the right approach.” - “I feel we need to consider other options.” - “Thank you for sharing, but I'd also like to hear from other people in the group.” - “Those are great ideas, but I am conscious of time, so let us move on.”
• Managing workload: “I am sorry, I cannot take on any additional work right now.” - “I don’t have the bandwidth to take that on.” - “I have another commitment.” - “I can’t give it the attention it needs.” - “Thanks for keeping me in the loop, but I can't make it this time.” - “Thanks for thinking of me, but I think I'll pass on this one.” - “I need someone to cover this meeting while I’m on annual leave.”
• Buying some time: “This has caught me off guard and I’d like some time to think about it.” - “I just don't know. Mind if I think about it for a while?” - “I will review and come to a decision shortly.” - “Yes, I can find out for you. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” - “Yes, I’m happy to help, I have some time available next Monday.”

Some Final Thoughts…

There are many employees who feel that being assertive will make them seem too insistent, forceful, or pushy. Behaving in an assertive manner does not come naturally to us all and it can be difficult to be assertive all the time. Sometimes, an individual’s temperament or personality might make it more difficult for them to stand up for themselves in a way that is in accordance with the principles of assertiveness.

Fortunately, for those who identify themselves as passive employees, assertive behaviours can be learnt and practised. This can be done through formal assertiveness training or by proactively taking steps yourself to challenge your existing behaviours and replace them with new alternative ones.

But remember, the application of this concept is contextual. It may not be appropriate to be assertive in every single work-related situation… you will need to use your own criteria and discretion to decide where, when and how to be assertive - the choice will be yours!

• Read more: Creating a culture of ‘Respect and Trust’
• Read more: Discretionary Effort Is a ‘Gift’ – Don’t Take It for Granted!
• Read more: Manage the ‘Chimp’ at Work
• Read more: The ‘Golden Rule’ for Managing People

Thanks for reading my blog & your kind support. Were any of the insights provided of value to you? I would welcome your feedback - please do ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ your experience on this subject in the space provided! -?Follow me on LinkedIn ?for more articles and insights!

Disclaimer: The author is making this ‘Opinion Blog / Guide’ available in his personal effort to advance the understanding of best practices in workplace related matters. The author assumes no responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions in the content of this ‘Opinion Blog / Guide’ or for the results obtained from the use of the information provided. The information is provided on an ‘as is’ basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, usefulness or timeliness and without any warranties of any kind whatsoever, express or implied. The views expressed are solely those of the author in his private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of any entity whatsoever with which the author has been, is now, or is to be affiliated in the future.