You know what that sounds like? Not my problem. How to set and hold healthy boundaries at work and home.

I often give this cup to clients who come to my office for an in person coaching session when the topic of Boundary Setting is about to be had. It's a fun way of starting the tough topic of why we let others walk all over us.

Not every request that comes our way needs to be met with a yes and taken on by us. "That's not my problem" can be rephrased as "that's not my responsibility".

Setting boundaries and maintaining them can be hard to do both in the workplace and at home. From the time we are little we are taught to say yes, and acquiesce to others, especially to authority figures, and generally to be people pleasers. Being a people pleaser pretty much means saying yes to everything because you want to keep everyone happy and not have anyone be angry or displeased with you.

For women this can be compounded even more as we see the traditional care giving role modelled by our mothers and grandmothers where the women is almost entirely selfless to her family and others, and her own needs and happiness come last.

Over time we un-learn how to say No, which when we were a toddler we were quite likely very good at saying. You know how little kids are very clear at saying yes or no to what they want? That's called healthy boundaries!

When we aren't used to setting boundaries, then when we start to do so it may seem aggressive instead of assertive. When we start to say no to others and yes to ourselves, it may feel selfish and feelings of guilt or shame may come up. The thought of saying no can arouse feelings of fear - fear of upsetting someone else, fear of the other party rejecting us or being angry with us. And we want to avoid these negative emotions - our own and feeling responsible for others feelings - and so we say yes when we want to say no, we give more than we are comfortable to give, we go out of our way to our own detriment because we don't feel like we are allowed to say no. And then we get resentful and angry at ourselves and others because our non-existent boundaries got crossed - again. And again.

We see those people who say no, or not right now, or let me think about it, or how about this as an alternative, or sure I can do that but it means that something else won't get done, those who set and hold their boundaries. And sometimes even being an observer of someone who is holding their boundary can feel uncomfortable, almost like we are waiting for some drama to unfold. How dare they? How dare they actually speak up for what is right for them and deny what they don't want to do or commit to? The nerve of them...... but on the inside you're perhaps envious and wish you could do that too.

So what is a boundary anyway?

A boundary can be a hard line that you don't allow anyone to cross, and that you protect at all costs. Particularly if we have had past traumatic or negative experiences our boundaries may be rock solid and zero room for negotiation.

Other boundaries are less rigid and obvious, and they are about ensuring that you are being authentic and true to your personal values, and holding space for your own needs. It might be your time that you are protecting, your mental wellbeing, your personal interest or work life balance.

At work, often the boundary that is most blurry and most broached is that of work/life balance. This is more relevant since Covid brought work into the home and the physical boundary between the office and the house no longer exists.

So how to start setting boundaries with people that you've had no boundaries with up until now? Or start a new practice of boundary setting moving forward.

Firstly - why don't you feel you can set boundaries? Unpack this down to the core and you will get your answer.

For example: I'm afraid that if I say no they will get upset/cross/angry with me? And maybe they will not talk to me, break up the relationship with me, reject me, overlook me?

Questions to consider:

• What evidence do I have that this will happen?
• Why is that person not being happy with me all the time an issue for me? Why do I need to keep them happy all the time? What am I afraid will happen or that means?

Often it comes down to we are afraid that someone will like or love us less if we don't keep them happy. Maybe they will give you the silent treatment or be sulky, maybe you will feel guilty about how you should be making them happy. At work, maybe we feel that saying no will hamper our career or how we are viewed as a "valuable" employee, or someone else will say yes and get the opportunity ahead of me.

The next questions to consider are:

• Why is someone else's happiness in that moment of greater importance than my own?
• Why do I feel that I have to do exactly what they want with no consideration for what I want?

Some phrases to help you set boundaries:

• NO. N. O. Practice saying it firmly and without needing to justify your decision. Don't say no and then feel like you need to offer a litany of excuses/reasons to justify your answer.
• Create some time and space. Instead of feeling pressured into giving an immediate answer say "I need to consider a couple of different things before I can give you an answer". If pressured to give an answer on the spot, perhaps say "If you need an answer right now then my answer is no, however if I can think about it for an hour/day or take a moment to check my schedule and see what's possible, then I might be able to help you out".
• It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Consider what you are OK with and offer alternatives for parts that don't work for you. For example, "I'm happy to come along to your event and I will arrive on time and need to leave by 8pm" or "I can drop you off at the party, however I have got something already planned for the evening so you'll need to arrange alternative transport home"
• One in and one out. If a new task or project is being assigned or delegated to you in a timeframe where you are already fully committed and taking it one along with all your existing commitments is going to result in working nights/weekends outside of reasonable hours, consider an existing commitment that you can either delegate, delay or dump altogether. For example "Sure, I can write that new presentation by next Monday, and in order to meet that deadline I will need to either have someone else do the marketing report you asked for, or if you still want me to do both of these then I won't have the report finished until Wednesday next week as I can't get both of these tasks done in the available time". I used to watch a colleague do this and was always awestruck by how very clear he was about the amount of time that was available for work and for his family and that last minute ideas and non critical requests weren't going to derail his priorities.
• Own your priorities. How often do you put time aside for yourself or to work on an important activity, and then book over that time or cancel your own plans to meet the requests of someone else? I see parents do this frequently, cancelling their own plans to meet last minute requests from their children (guilty of doing it for many years!). Or we schedule time to do some non client facing proactive work, and someone comes to us with a request to meet during that time and so we agree to the meeting and the work we intended to do either ends up being delayed or done late in the evening. The advice here is simple: Put YOUR needs ahead of or at least at the same level of priority as others. You are allowing others to learn that your needs don't matter as much as theirs, and teaching them that again and again you will put yourself last. And so don't be surprised when they keep asking because you keep saying yes. Try saying "Actually, I'd like to help you however my schedule for that day/time is currently committed to an important task. I am available at this alternative time instead".
• Does it have to be a meeting? Protect your time by setting boundaries around who gets in your calendar. You know those meetings that could have been an email.... stop letting them into your schedule. Don't accept a meeting request unless the purpose of the meeting is very clear - ideally there should be a clear description of what will be discussed and ideally an agenda. If this isn't provided contact the organiser and ask for clarification before accepting, or simply decline the meeting invite and ask for more information so you can consider your attendance. Ask for pre-reading material. Don't accept meetings that you are turning up to blind. If the meeting is to discuss some material, ask if it can be sent at least 24 hours prior so you have time to review and gather your thoughts beforehand. Often meetings can be cut down or eliminated altogether through an asynchronous meeting approach.

About Margaret

Margaret is a 3 times survivor of burn out and a recovering perfectionist. Quitting the corporate world, she dedicated herself to the prevention of chronic stress and burnout in the workplace, and supporting those who are experiencing their own burn out journey.

She is an accredited Strategic Life Coaching Practitioner, Law of Attraction Practitioner, Life Transformation Practitioner and Happiness Coach, based in Melbourne Australia.

Margaret is the Founder and CEO of?Infinite Mind Life Coaching?providing Workplace Wellbeing programs focussed on mindset and mindfulness, as well as burnout and stress management coaching. Margaret combines a 30+ year career in high performance, management and leadership roles with practical and easy to apply methods along with her own personal story of life changing transformation.

Margaret is also the Founder and CEO of?Queen of my Own Universe, supporting and empowering women to uncover and step into their full potential.

Margaret's story about how she quit as a Senior Vice President of a global software business to live her life helping others to live their best life was recently featured in an article in the?Australian Financial Review.

To learn more get in contact with Margaret on 0405 755 526.

www.infinitemindlifecoaching.com.au

www.queenofmyownuniverse.com