Are You Kind In Failure? And Why This Matters.
Dr. Shalini Lal
I help leaders build future-readiness for themselves and their teams. I lead Unqbe, a Think-tank and Consulting Firm Focused on the Future of Work, and Leadership. I also write a popular newsletter and host a podcast.
An Ocean of Failures
I have personally failed--A lot!
In fact I can honestly say that the number of days when I feel I have failed is far greater than the number of days when I feel I have been rather successful.
These failures have been both big or small. Both professional and personal.
The big ones have felt like being hit by an emotional truck. They have knocked the wind out of my sails for a while, as I have struggled to re-imagine myself and get back on my feet again.
The smaller ones happen every few days.
When a talk I had prepared hard for doesn't land. When a workshop we carefully designed turned out to be different from what a critical stakeholder actually wanted.
The list of daily failures is so long that it most often just feels like 'regular' life.
Can we get better at failing? Can we get better at helping others through failure?
It turns out, the answer is a firm Yes.
Kindness As A Secret Ingredient In Resilience
A meta-analysis of all peer-reviewed published research on resilience shows that resilience can be built.
And one of the most effective ways to deal with building several of the key ingredients of resilience--(self compassion, self-efficacy, emotional regulation, and optimism) is something that is almost counter-intuitive.
What is it? It is Kindness.
Wait, what? Isn't resilience about being strong and not affected by failure? How is it possible that kindness to ourselves and others leads to resilience?
It turns out that kindness towards ourselves and others enables us to ride the ups and downs of life far more smoothly than many of us realise.
After all, part of being human is failing.
I will fail. You will fail. We will all fail.
How we ride through our failures has a profound impact on our optimism, our belief in ourselves, and our ability to team with others.
(This does remind me of what the Buddha said centuries ago.
There is suffering. As long as we are human there is suffering. But there are practices that date back centuries that can guide us through dealing with suffering--our own and that of others.)
Loving Kindness Towards Ourselves
While I am pretty sure I am at best mediocre in my own practice of self-kindness, there are masters who have over the course of lifetimes of practices perfected the art of developing kindness towards oneself (and others).
One such set of practices that I am familiar with comes from the Buddhist traditions of Metta. Sharon Salzberg has spent a lifetime teaching loving- kindness meditations.
In what almost seems like a self-indulgent practice, is hidden the ultimate tool of dealing with suffering. Compassion.
How can you practice loving kindness meditation? Well, the practice is actually deceptively simple.
Step 1: Select a few phrases that are personally meaningful to you. Phrases such that reflect some of your deepest (and yet perhaps s 'May I be happy', 'May I be safe', 'May I live with ease'.
Step 2: Each day keep aside some time for a (loving kindness) metta practice. Repeat these phrases as completely as you can for the time you have chosen. This could be 5 mins each day or 10 mins.
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Some days it may even feel mechanical. That's alright. Just keep at it.
Loving Kindness Towards Others
At the heart of building loving kindness lies connecting with our shared humanity.
What happens with us, happens with others too. What is happening with others, could happen to us to.
In the end what all human beings want is similar. Peace of mind. Happiness. And we are each in our own ways trying to get there.
Once you are comfortable with sending loving kindness to yourself, consider sending loving kindness to others around you. It is easiest to send this to people you love. It's also not hard to send this to people who you are neutral towards.
The hardest part if often sending these wishes to people you do not like, or those who have hurt you.
As Sharon Salzberg says,
"To send loving-kindness does not mean that we approve or condone all actions, it means that we can see clearly actions that are incorrect or unskillful and still not lose the connection".
What Does The Evidence Say?
I love it when research guides us very clearly. And this is one case where it does.
Practicing a loving kindness meditation program for just 12 weeks improves our personal resilience, state of well-being and ability to handle life's events.
This is true immediately after the 12 weeks. And continues to be true 3 months later!
Whether this is dealing with PTSD symptoms.
Or, improving our physical and mental health,
Or, our ability to deal with conflict.
Why Does This Matter In Being Future Ready?
As our worlds get more and more uncertain, we need far higher personal resources to navigate this successfully.
Our worlds are becoming more turbulent and as we navigate uncertainty--we may find ourselves failing more often than we would like.
We may also find others around us failing more often that we would like. How we handle these failures is a key emotional resource.
It is how we build resilience.
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(About me: I lead Unqbe, a think-tank and advisory firm around building future organisations. We track change through commissioned and primary research. We help leadership teams build the new workplace through a culture that supports change and people practices for the future.)
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1 年Super picture effective picture
Teacher
1 年Success is not forever, failure is not deadly, what matters is having the courage to keep going.
Industrial/Organizational Psychologist | Employee Wellness Counselor | Meditative Art Therapy practitioner
1 年Your message is inspiring, and I resonated with the idea of practicing kindness toward ourselves and extending that compassion to others, especially during challenges. Kindness is truly a pivotal element in building resilience. Thank you for sharing this, Dr. Shalini Lal.
Entrepreneur | Digital & Technology | Products & Solutions | Health Tech | Test Automation
1 年Love this. In fact, I have been going through one such experience myself. I cannot say, it has been seamless though. But yes, I fully agree.
Global Leadership Coach | Pharma Business Leader | Keynote speaker | Professor of Practice | Author - Amazon Best Seller "The Leaders with Ladders" | Senior Vice President (F), Cadila Pharma |Honoraray Board Director
1 年Brilliant share Dr. Shalini Lal