Are you just getting through?

“Mom, you’ve been saying that for years.  ‘We just need to get through this.’  I accept your apology, but...when are we going to stop just getting through?”

My then-14-year-old son said that to me when I apologized to him for having to give my attention to a crisis at work during a time that we had planned to spend together.  

This conversation was one of the many blinding epiphany moments that made me realize that I was surviving my life, not really living it.  

“Getting through” life isn’t living.

At that time, I was working for a large physical security firm in the Silicon Valley.  I had a large and successful book of business.  The company I had worked for had been purchased by this larger firm, and the merger had been....in a word, challenging.  The business model and the culture of the organization had changed, and it was no longer a role with which my values aligned.  

On that day, my Mom was visiting and my children were on the last few days of their winter break.  We were looking forward to an afternoon together, with activities, games, and the deep conversations that we have when we’re relaxed and simply enjoying each other’s company.   

...then there was an issue with one of the clients that I had inherited during the merger.  It required my immediate attention.  Instead of spending quality time with my family, I spent the afternoon on the phone with an angry client, with the home office, with my boss, and with my Operations Manager who directly oversaw that client’s site.  

It was stressful and exhausting.  And more than that, it put my work life and my family life in direct conflict with each other.  As the primary source of income for my family, I couldn’t not do what my job required.  As a Mom, I was heartbroken.  

My son was right, though.  This wasn’t the first time.  

When my son was a baby, we had to “get through” my last semester of college.  Then we had to “get through” this deployment, and then the next one.  Then after my daughter was born, we had to “get through” flight school, and “get through” multiple relocations, including an international relocation to Korea.  We had to “get through” my being in the field, and we had to “get through” company command. ...and on and on.  This time, we just needed to “get through” the merger.    

That is not to say that we didn’t have some really awesome, fun, connected times.  We definitely did and do.  

But we did as much “getting through” as we did enjoying our lives, and getting through life isn’t the same as living.  

Life presents us with challenges that we do have to get through.  The skill of long-suffering is a real thing.  In hindsight, though, I realize that many of the challenges I had to get through were situations that my thinking and my decisions actually created.  

Choosing survival is subconscious.

To be clear, I wasn’t doing this on purpose.  I deeply love and am devoted to my children.  Many of my major life decisions were based on doing what I believed would be best for them, even if it wasn’t best for me.  

I married my son’s dad because we thought it was the right thing, even though my intuition told me he wasn’t the right man for me.  

I left the military police branch, which I enjoyed, and went to flight school because our marriage was struggling.  We were both military officers, and our military assignments kept us from living together most of the time.  I thought that our being the same branch in the Army would make it easier for us to be co-located, which would help our marriage.  It didn’t.  

I got out of the Army because the single-Mom-Army-life had been super hard on my children, and I wanted a different life for them.  It was actually through that experience that I realized the extent to which the Army wasn’t actually the right environment for me either, given the circumstances.  

These are all over-simplifications, but as I look back on my life, I know that my intent was to do the best for my babies.  

So why, then, did I continue to choose situations that caused me to be stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, and therefore not always fully present with the children I adore and cherish?  

Because the survival-drive isn’t conscious.  

I was driven by survival, which my subconscious mind believed required stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion.  

Modeling and trauma form your mental models.

I grew up in a loving home wherein both my parents selflessly gave themselves to the service of others.  My Da is a career military professional, military historian and educator.  My Mom was the consummate Army spouse, and later became a terminal-care nurse.  They are both exceptionally loving, deeply selfless people whom I admire.  

The problem was that I was trying to be them both, which was impossible, especially for a single Mom.  Further, throughout my upbringing, my Mom would pull off these amazing feats of caring-for-others strength.  She was everywhere doing all the things, and I watched her sacrifice her health so that she could be there for others.  

Through observing her, I learned that sacrificing your health, disregarding your own needs, and abandoning self-care and boundaries was how you showed love.  Please know that I am not criticizing her.  She is the most unconditionally loving person for whom I am deeply grateful.  

But when I moved into an environment that readily took advantage of someone’s willingness to destroy themselves in the service of others, what had been modeled for me growing up, quickly became dysfunctional.  

That environment was West Point.  I entered the United States Military Academy in 1996 at 17 years old.  I was very innocent and had an idealistic view of the world.  I was attending West Point because I deeply believed in serving my country, and in the values of honor, service, duty, and loyalty.  

While I was there, I endured some pretty traumatic experiences that shaped my subconscious beliefs about myself and the world.  

My plebe year was a crash course in violation.

I endured blatant, degrading sexual harassment.  Two of the upperclassmen in my company actually called me “piece of ass.”  That was my name, and I was expected to answer to it.  Not Cadet McKenna.  Piece of Ass.  I was an object for their entertainment.  

Being a plebe at West Point includes doing duties like delivering laundry to the upper class.  On several occasions, some of the upperclassmen were naked.  They thought it was hilarious how shocking that was for me, given how innocent I was.  So they took it a step further.  The next time I delivered to them, they were not just naked, they had pornography up on their computer monitors.  I had never been exposed to anything like pornography before, and I was in shock.

Later that year, I was sexually assaulted by another upperclassman.  

Those are just a few examples of the disturbing experiences that shaped my perception of reality.  

There were other, lesser violations as well.  For example, one upperclassman forbade me from eating for three days until I could stop making facial expressions.  

Certainly there is value in having military bearing, but this method of “training” broke something in my subconscious, and led me to believe that behaving in a certain way would not just earn me approval and belonging, which are survival needs, but also would earn me FOOD, which is a survival need.  

And it wasn’t just the upper class, either.  One of my classmates sent a mass email to all the plebes in our company.  The email graphically described a gang rape.  When my roommate and I, appalled, asked to not be included in those types of correspondence, we were shunned by a group of our male classmates.  We had stood up for ourselves, and the cost was the loss of a sense of belonging, which is a survival need.  

All of that was on top of the already-stressful, highly demanding curriculum and training at West Point, which on its own would have been challenging enough.  Many of the female graduates with whom I am connected have shared that the pressure of that environment led them to believe themselves never good enough, totally inadequate, and worthy of love only when they performed at a certain level.  

What does all of this have to do with being a single Mom who was “getting through?”  

These experiences early in my life led me to believe that survival requires violation.  Stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, living out of alignment, trying to be someone other than who I am, suppressing my own boundaries and needs - these were all part of the price I had to pay to survive, to belong, and to be loved.  

These experiences shaped my subconscious mental models, which shaped my decision-making and behavior.  I desperately wanted to feel peaceful, centered, and fully present.  But these were contrary to what I subconsciously believed was required.  These were literally dangerous, because they were the opposite of what I had been programmed to believe was necessary to survive.  

Of course, that’s not true.  They are not only not required, they are obstacles.  Stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, living out of alignment, trying to be someone other than who I am, suppressing my own boundaries and needs - these were all keeping me from truly living, and from being truly present all the time as a Mom.  

Maybe you didn’t have the same experiences as I have, but your experiences have shaped your subconscious beliefs about yourself and the world, your mental models, and your behaviors.  

If you’re tired all the time or struggle to balance your commitments at home and work, there are mental and emotional reasons.

When subconscious becomes conscious, it can be changed.

The good news is, when we become aware of the ways in which modeling and trauma have shaped our mental models, we can change them.  Our brains are neuroplastic, which means that even our subconscious thoughts can be changed - but they have to first be brought forward to our conscious minds.  

And what brings them forward to our conscious minds?  

It takes both epiphany moments, like my son asking me, “when are we going to stop just getting through?” and a willingness to investigate why you do what you do.  Developing self-awareness can actually be a painful, heart-breaking process that requires rigorous self-honesty and genuine self-compassion.  

Many high-performing women who struggle with exhaustion have false subconscious beliefs from conditioning and past trauma.  

Those who successfully transform exhaustion into energy are the ones who are willing to investigate, to be curious without being critical, and to embrace new patterns of thinking that are healthy and aligned.  

It takes willingness to investigate and change.

I know how it feels to realize that you’re missing your life, that you’re missing your children’s lives.  

I know how it feels to be so tired all the time, to wonder why, to know that something is wrong but to not be able to identify it.  

I know how it feels to look at the hard truth about yourself and your past and realize that you’re living by rules that aren’t true.  

I know how it feels to shift into a new way of thinking, to move into alignment, to learn how to be present, and to feel the peace that comes from awareness and healing.  

I know how it feels to transform exhaustion into energy by embracing awareness and making real change in my life, like leaving that role and finding a job that I love.

And I know how it feels to have the deep, meaningful, loving, and honest relationships with my children that I’ve always wanted, because I was willing to change and willing to choose differently.

Yesterday was National Single Parent Day, and for me, a day of reflection on how I could have done better, and how I can do better as a Mom.  

I see you, Mommas.  I see your heart, your stress, and your bone-tired fatigue.  

Yes, it is super important to investigate the physical reasons you are tired all the time.  

It is just as important to investigate the mental and emotional reasons you are tired all the time. 

Stop missing your life, girlfriend.  Stop just “getting through.”  By investigating the reasons why you feel how you feel and do what you do, and committing to a process of transformation, you can be fully present and optimally productive.  

Optimal is possible.  

#NationalSingleParentDay