Are you The Invisible Woman?

Welcome to Swag-HER!: Your Career, Your Way, a newsletter for professional women and their allies! We’ll explore how to break through the barriers to your success, making space for the career - and life -? you want.

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It starts when we’re little girls. We’re “a pleasure to have in class.” We make good grades and never give the teacher any trouble. It continues in college when we take on the bulk of the group project - without complaining - and get everyone an A. When we enter the job market, we work hard, stay under budget, and produce high-quality work. We make everyone’s life easier. Our bosses wish they could clone us. We’re model citizens!

So why isn’t anyone noticing?

I was recently a guest on The Visibility Podcast , hosted by the brilliant Susan M Barber, MBA, PCC , and she and I touched on this phenomenon in our conversation. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Why is this such a common pattern, and how can we break the cycle??

Performing patiently?

Many professional women are experts at what I call “performing patiently.” It means that we deliver results, believe our work speaks for itself, are understanding of our manager’s timing and constraints, and are ready and eager for more when the time is right. The challenge is that the “right time” never seems to come.?

Waiting patiently can demonstrate confidence in our abilities and a willingness to let our performance speak for itself.? It all seems very noble, but waiting patiently to be let into the rooms where decisions are made can be risky.? When we fail to proactively seek out opportunities or promote our own achievements, we risk being overlooked. It’s common for us to assume that we will be rewarded for our excellence, but the professional world doesn’t work that way. This assumption doesn’t come from nowhere; our conditioning starts long before we choose a career.

The “good girl” trap?

Children - especially little girls - are rewarded for compliance. Being a “good girl” meant that we didn’t make a fuss, cause trouble, or challenge our elders. The good girls were obedient and were held up as a good example for others. While we didn’t rock the boat, we likely rocked the grades, the college applications, and clubs or teams. In those settings, we didn’t have to do the “impolite” things, like ask for what we wanted. When we did good work, we were usually rewarded for it.

As adults, we are still rewarded for our “good girl” behavior. It often garners acceptance and a positive reputation, and our initial career success reinforces the behavior. It works really well… Until it doesn’t.

Reframing self-promotion

A recent study found a large gender gap in self-promotion, with men rating their performance 33 percent higher than equally-performing women. You may think this displays a confidence gap between women and men, but it isn't so. The study found that women chose not to stand out. While they were undervalued, being invisible also helped women avoid gendered backlash and provided balance for working moms. More than anything, women just didn’t feel comfortable using a self-promoting leadership style.?

I struggled for years with self-advocacy. I associated it with too much ego and too little shame, thinking badly of those my mother would have described as being “too full of themselves.” I saw the squeaky wheels getting all the grease and was shocked at my boss’s surprise when I finally shared my aspirations. With small steps and practice, I learned that I could share my ambitions and qualifications from a place of truth. That authenticity helped me avoid feeling like a braggart. I won’t lie to you, it felt awkward before it got comfortable, but now it feels essential.?

Shifting from thought to action?

What could happen if you reframed self-advocacy as normal, collaborative career planning? If you feel like the invisible woman at work, I’m going to challenge you to experiment with self-advocacy. But I won’t leave you without a roadmap.

When I help women prepare to make the case for themselves, I use a simple framework that helps them get in touch with what matters to them. The framework has four elements: stakes, intention, goals, and negotiables (SIGN). Ask yourself the following:?

Stakes - What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain? These are things like your career trajectory or momentum, your dreams for yourself or your family, or your sense of pride.

Intention - How do you want to show up to this conversation? What do you want your mindset to be? This is both how you want to be perceived and how you want to feel during the conversation. Words like brave, calm, open, or communicative suit this prompt.?

Goals - What do you want out of this conversation? Your short-term goal is the outcome you want from the conversation, often what you want to communicate or learn. Your long-term goal is the outcome of the action that is decided or advanced in the conversation. So if your short-term goal is to increase awareness of your skills and talents, your long-term goal may be to get to the next level - and be compensated accordingly.

Negotiables - What is the give-and-take of the agreement you have with your organization? What power or leverage do you have? What are your deal breakers, and what can you concede?? Most people think negotiations mean salary or vacation time, but there are many more negotiable elements. You don’t have to be thinking of leaving your organization to utilize these, but it’s helpful to know your options.? It reinforces that we hold power and can show us how we might create a win-win outcome.

Unlearning something we’ve been conditioned to perform since birth isn’t an easy task, but it’s essential to our success and advancement. I quoted Katie Orenstein , who runs The OpEd Project, in my conversation with Susan, and I think it? bears repeating here: “If you say things of consequence, there may be consequences, but the alternative is to be inconsequential.” Authentically advocating for ourselves, our gifts, and our own wants and needs isn’t risk-free, but it does ensure that we are seen and heard.?

Join The Mirrored Door Launch Team!?

Can’t wait to get your hands on a copy of The Mirrored Door? Join my launch team! When you sign up , you’ll receive a FREE digital copy to upload and read on any device. All I ask is that you provide your honest review the week of the book release on October 10.

I believe in this book, and I’ve seen how powerful these resources are firsthand. Your support helps boost the signal, increasing the chances that the right people will see The Mirrored Door at the right time. Join the movement , and help more women achieve the career of their dreams.

Coming soon: The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place! Pre-order your copy today!?

Want more? Click here to download Ten Tips I Wish I Knew Earlier In My Career !

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