You Will Hurt People with Your Communication...

Here's What to Do When That Happens

By Alexia Vernon

Irrespective of the industry they are in, one of the top questions I receive from my clients is, "What happens if I say something that hurts somebody's feelings?"

The problem with that question is that it's laced with an assumption that if we just do X (or avoid Y), then we can avoid hurting other people.

If we are consistently speaking up and speaking candidly, hurting others at some point is guaranteed. While using Step into Your Moxie communication principles certainly minimizes communication mishaps like this, we can't control how others will receive our words. Therefore, it's important to clean up our messes when we create them.

When you suspect or are told that you have hurt somebody with your words (or, as I see too often, from failing to use them), it's important, first, to apologize for your impact.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Second, it's important to clarify but NOT to overstate your intention - especially if you have more power in a situation because of your role, race, sex, or because of your other relevant identity markers.

Yes, intentions matter - but not as much as the impact of your behavior.

Instead, succinctly state what you intended. Then, shift into asking how you can do better for that person now - and in the future. If the person isn't sure, offer some suggestions, but seek to center their voice, their ideas, and their solutions - and not yours.

Recently, I've had clients who thought they were being "good allies" learn that something they said wreaked of white supremacy. Or, in another case, someone was told after a presentation that clearly she just didn't understand the needs of her organization's LGBTQ+ employees (which was particularly hurtful as a Lesbian woman).

Even when we are doing the important work of dismantling systems of oppression, creating more inclusive workplaces, or looking to elevate marginalized voices, unconscious bias may slip into our communication and/or behavior. We may stay silent at the very moment our people need us to speak up. Or we may overpower or misrepresent more marginalized voices. (Full disclosure: Not a full week prior to writing this article, my own husband pointed out that I was whitesplaining during a conversation we were having about him growing up AAPI.)

Too many leaders choose the path of safety and silence to avoid communication landmines - particularly around issues of race, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, ability, age, ethnicity, or religion.

My challenge to you is to embrace these high-stakes conversations and be prepared to get it "wrong". For if you stay mum, you are foreclosing the possibility of ever getting it "right" on the issues and for the people that require our moxie.

About Alexia Vernon

Dubbed a “Moxie Maven” by President Obama’s White House Office of Public Engagement for her unique and effective approach to communication and leadership development, Alexia Vernon is a sought-after advisor to executives, corporate teams, entrepreneurs, coaches, change agents, and emerging leaders who want to speak with unshakeable presence, sell their ideas, navigate daring conversations, develop high performing teams, advance their thought leadership, and make a lasting positive social impact. Alexia has supported thousands of leaders and speakers through her Step into Your Moxie? corporate offerings, online training, live events, and mastermind programs. Alexia has delivered transformational keynotes, coaching, and training for Fortune 500 companies, nonprofits, government and educational institutions, professional associations, the United Nations, and she is a TEDxWomen speaker. Alexia has contributed to media such as CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Entrepreneur.com, Forbes.com, Inc.com, European Business Review, and Women’s Health Magazine. Alexia is the author of multiple books including Step into Your Moxie: Amplify Your Voice, Visibility, and Influence in the World (New World Library and Penguin Random House Audio). She is also the creator of the popular LinkedIn Learning course, Communicating to Drive People to Take Action.

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