Are you high on passive-aggressive (PA) behaviour?

In this article, let us discuss four different mindsets, communication and behavioural styles. Also, let us explore less talked about passive-aggressive style in detail and its impact.

1. Aggressive behaviour – Any behaviour that is meant to overpower or subdue the other person can be seen as aggressive behaviour. This can include, act of physical or mental intimidation using gestures, shouting and using harsh language.

Person behaving aggressively does not try to hide, cover or control his aggression in any way. Aggressive behaviour stems out of the mindset ‘I am always right and you are wrong’. Person is in a high emotional state and it is difficult to deal with any kind of logic. Listening is almost zero. You would see many leaders at the top behaving aggressively. This also stems from superiority complex and low consideration for other people (especially at the lower level). The person violates others right to be treated with dignity and respect.

He is very rigid and unable to adapt or change in any situation.

2. Passive behaviour – Passive behaviour is exactly opposite to aggressive behaviour. Person is too agreeable and friendly. He is ready to accept anything without questioning. He is over friendly and over pleasing. He will not take a stand even when he knows he is right. This comes from lack of courage to express himself or herself. He does not want to antagonize or hurt anyone.

This comes from internal desire for being liked by everyone. Mindset is ‘I will not hurt anyone or damage relationships even if it means loss or inconvenience to me’. Person tries to accommodate and adapt in any situation. He may not hold grudges for a long time and may forgive and forget.

3. Assertive behaviour – Assertive behaviour comes from high courage and high consideration for the other person. He is high on listening skills and his attitude is win-win. He will neither try to overpower the other person nor fear to express himself. He is high on EI. He expresses himself clearly and directly respecting other persons point of view. he is respectful to others irrespective of the hierarchy.

For effective long-term relationships, assertive communication and behaviour is the best. This is the best style to improve team work, collaboration and create synergy.

4. Passive-aggressive (PA) behaviour – This is a very interesting and more common behaviour than we think. Person with high PA behaviour lacks courage and consideration for others. In other words, he neither has courage to express himself nor consideration to let things go. This leads to pent up hidden hostility. Aggressive person is openly hostile but PA person is wearing a mask and hiding his true feelings.

Very common example, in a board meeting, discussions are going around building strategies to deal with new challenges. An idea is suggested by one of the members and is appreciated by most of the members present. One Mr. X does not like the idea and feels it will fail. However, he appreciates and claps along with everyone. As he comes out of the meeting and while he is sharing about the outcome of meetings, he tells his colleagues not present in the meeting that the idea is stupid and will not work. He laughs it off. When the idea is implemented and it fails, he proudly tells the same colleagues that he knew it would fail. Why he kept quiet during the meeting? Fear, indifference, does not care about the organization, team, colleagues and customer, lack of courage and confidence or self-doubt.

Think about it. How many times we kept quiet even when we knew we were right. We did not share our ideas because of fear or lack of confidence. How many times we got angry and abused people, teams, organization, managers, bosses, HR behind their back in frustration.

This can cause organizations heavily. Imagine front line sales experiencing difficulties and sense change in the market preferences and are unable to express or pass the information either due to low trust with manager or closed-minded management. I am sure you can think of examples where the products companies were manufacturing become redundant and lost their market share.

Very common scene – during breaks, employees come together, smoke or have tea outside the office premises and remove all frustration and spread the negativity around. Another one is employees go to their manager with requests for increment and promotions. Managers says, he will talk to the management, making false promise to gain time.

However hard organizations try, employees are going to discuss and gossip. It is human nature. However, important information should reach the management for actions. Employees working on the front know better about their work than the people at the top.

If you have watched any popular TV serials, you will always have at least one character who is passive-aggressive (generally woman). She is the villain and she will do all the planning and plotting behind while maintaining nice and friendly nature in front. This is passive aggressive behaviour. They have victim mentality.

To reduce passive-aggressive behaviour in work environment, you can take following steps.

1. You can create a safe environment where employees are free to express themselves. Stay calm and listen to them.

2. Don’t discard their thoughts and ideas directly. Use your language carefully while replying. For example, when criticizing team performance, instead of saying, you did a bad job, say we all did a bad job. No one like to be criticised especially in front of everyone.

3. Use assertive communication, reply clear and direct while considering their point of view with respect. Be honest and truthful.

4. Use paraphrasing (please read Newsletter 40, 5.5.23, ‘Is Listening Difficult?’) to ensure the communication is correct.

5. Increase communication channels – for example, suggestion box and complaint box can help employees write down their grievances or suggestions. You can also have an option of email.

6. Recognize and reward people who come forward and share their ideas and thoughts.

7. Impart training on communication, help them understand their own behaviours and its consequences.

I will leave with a question. In Mahabharat, whose behaviour was passive-aggressive? You can leave your answer in the comment box and I will leave the right answer.

Thank you for reading.

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