You Are Here. How Do You Like the View?

There’s a sadly compelling short video of Princess Di in circulation on social media right now. It seems that she had just sat in on some kind of women’s support group and she is reporting on what she observed. Not as an outsider, but from the perspective of having been an equal participant in the meeting. This is what she says in the video (I’m paraphrasing here, so it’s not verbatim. And, insert her tony English accent as you read the quote):

“When we talked about what had gone wrong today, we could have gone on for hours with our lists. But when we were asked what had gone right for us, we all drew a blank. No one could think of a thing.”

Sound familiar? That’s what psychologists call negativity bias. And we all have it for good reason. It’s a protection mechanism developed by nature to keep our ancestors alive long enough to exchange genetic material which would eventually become you and me. We are always on the lookout for details, episodes, characteristics in our days, lives and the people we meet along the way that have gone sideways. Those are, after all, what are most likely to kill us. So says the law of the jungle. The good stuff gets enjoyed maybe for a fleeting moment but then more easily forgotten as we plow ahead with our lives. The negative stuff that needs addressing? well we better pay attention to those failings, those oversights, those disappointments. That’s the distinction that keeps us alive and relatively stable. Not eaten by a tiger. Not smashed on the sidewalk by the unnoticed falling grand piano. Not handed unexpected divorce papers. Not fired without some sort of inkling.

Be on the constant lookout and, as the assumption goes, you’ll navigate this life with a reasonable amount of stability. Or, as Ben Franklin said, “A stitch in time saves nine.” Get at it! Before it gets worse!

That relentless hypervigilance might be great for our longevity, and maybe, our careers. But does it benefit our quality of life? Our joy of living? Our mental health? Our self-acceptance?? What do you need to resolve, fix, improve, lock up before you allow yourself to enjoy life and focus on the things that nourish your soul? What do you need to have accomplished before give yourself permission to just stand down and savor the day-to-day?

How would you fill in this blank:

“I would finally relax, enjoy life, feel confident, if I could only just ________.”

Lose weight. Stop drinking. Get these kids graduated and out of the house. Figure out what to do with my hair. Find clothes that fit properly. Finish this course. Get a smile of approval from my boss. Pay off my credit cards for once and for all. Work off the rest of those community service hours. Stop being so…argumentative, prideful, resentful, stupid, impatient, greedy, scatter-brained, self-conscious, anxious, needy, insecure, demanding, ungrateful, sloppy.

If you had a friend who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you really want to spend time with that person? Is this someone you would want to know? Or judge? If you’re harshly judging yourself, even subconsciously, is it any surprise that somehow others are picking up the signal that it’s okay for them to judge you too? After all, if your failings are the only things you focus on, how does anyone – including yourself – stand a chance to fully grasp what a treasure you are as well?

Give Yourself Some Credit, Why Don’t You?

We’re reluctant to turn our attention away from that long list of fixables for too long. After all, we don’t want to get too full of ourselves. That just sets us up for the proverbial comeuppance. But when you invest the vast proportion of the time you spend thinking about yourself thinking about all the things you need to be ashamed of, you rob yourself of the time and focus you need to understand – and believe – how terrific you are.

If the shape of your self-image has been governed by the never-ending punch list of all the things that need fixing, it stands to reason that your self-image (and the one you broadcast to the world) can also be shaped by the characteristics and incidents that you’re proud of. Or at least you would be if you gave yourself the chance and time to identify them.

Oh but where to begin? If you aren’t in the habit of thinking of yourself in a positive light for even just one moment, even the approach to the project might feel as foreign as the 101 course of a new second language study.

Want a prompt?? Imagine two people talking about you behind your back. (You’re probably well-practiced in that imagining.) Only this time they aren’t cruelly gossiping about you and your failings. They’re praising you! Telling each other how marvelous you are. What a kind, thoughtful, creative, resilient, brave, consistent, dependable person you are.? How does that sound to your imagination’s ear?? Pretty good? Or are they running out of material fast?

This is your chance to assemble some talking points about who you are and how valuable you are as a friend and colleague. Might want to take out a journal for this:

What are your values? How do they show up in the way you treat people? How are you kind? How are you ethical? How are you dependable? How are you trustworthy?

If the people who love you were asked to praise you in one word, what word do you think they would use? After you settle on the word you think they would use, ask around to your most trusted friends and see what they actually say. Do they match? Or do you like their words better?

What hill would you die on?? What is the cause, the mission, the battlefield that you would armor up for and put it all on the line for its sake? Does that cause make you proud to be engaged in it?

In what ways can you make the world a better place using only the skills, knowledge and network that you already have?

What do your friends and family routinely turn to you for advice and expertise for?

When was the last time you were proud of something you had a hand in influencing?

When was the last time you were the answer to someone else’s prayer?

When was the last time you rose to a challenge that you really had doubts about. And succeeded?

If you were a boxed product, what benefits and features would you put on the box to entice a stranger to give you a try?? Do those benefits and features make you happy to be you?

This is Part 9 of my Summer Self-Acceptance Series.? And when I look at the word self-acceptance, I wonder if there might be a better word. Acceptance has a feeling of resignation or tolerance to it.? “I accept myself despite this, this, and this.” And there you go, thinking about your flaws again.

?How about self-celebration?