To be you or not to be you?

A stranger told my little kitten off the other day for chasing after a squirrel. She’s not even a year old and the chasing was a mix between playfulness and hunting. There was no way she would’ve caught the equally young squirrel, as it knew exactly how to play and not get caught. Watching these two young animals chase around the front of my house I thought to myself “how can we expect a kitten not to do something it was born to do?" It is her instinct to practise her hunting skills. 

My thoughts led onto us humans. Should we be less us? I was thinking in particular in the workplace. I guess we all have to hold back and tune up or down on certain personality aspects in the workplace, but should I hide how I feel and how I am? I think I know how I’d like the culture in a workplace to be, however would I actually share how I really feel in the workplace? I can categorically say that I have not, as of yet, shared my whole self in a workplace!

When my daughter died 4 hours after birth, I quit my job. The bare thought of having to return to a mainly male dominated workplace (back in those days) and showing my vulnerability, was so overwhelming that I just quit my job. I was a fairly young, but successful IT business consultant. I wouldn’t have lasted for a minute without crying or struggling, and the only solution I could see was to quit as it was a very unsupportive workplace. When I went through IVF as a NCFE tutor I never shared anything about my infertility. I was so worried that work would cut my hours, because of my plans of having children. When I was going through divorce, and was a self-employed photographer, I didn’t share this with any work colleagues as I felt emotionally on a knife edge and thought if I shared it, I’d break down and they would never use me again in any future contract. I was afraid that showing my emotions would be equal to being weak.

My latest experience was when my partner had tried to take his own life. I never told my biggest consultancy contract (still self-employed), because I was worried that they would think I couldn’t cope with my workload. I needed to work for financial reasons and emotional reasons. Work gave me routine and a place I could just get on with things and not discuss the situation I was in. 

So I know that for various reasons I didn’t share my whole self, or was the whole me in the work place. I was less me, and hid my life for the fear of loosing my workplace life. 

I’d like to see a workplace’s culture, which is so inclusive and open that whatever your life situation you were going through (this workplace may very well exist already!). Your workplace would listen to what you needed and help you to achieve this, without judgement or pre-consumed ideas of your capabilities. Some might want to work, some might not. Some may need the flexibility from a manager to be able to take short time out. Some may not even want to discuss their situation at all in any shape sense or form, but they could hold a red card up to say; “I am struggling, I’ll be ok, I do not want to talk, but please be gentle with me”.  Many neuro-diverse people find it extremely difficult to share their feelings and to put words to what they need, so they need to have more patience and less judgement and other ways to communicate what they need. 

I think the conclusion is that everyone is different and have very different and individual needs, therefore creating a culture where they can flag an issue without having to discuss it in detail might be the start of saying “I am being less me”. One thing is for sure, in order to get people to talk and share and bring the whole self to work, we have to identify a way of this to be communicated without prejudice and judgement, so it is safe to be you in the workplace. And maybe most of all we need to reduce the stigma around being able to share your whole life in your work life. Maybe now, more than ever, we need to do the maths, so we can use the results to improve how we treat each other, and be inclusive to everyone.

Home Life + Work Life = Life.