Are you helping your teen with his Right of Passage into Manhood?

A right is defined as a power or privilege to do/not do something. As Americans, we have many of them due to living in the United States as free citizens of this great nation. One example is the right to vote during elections for public figures.

Young people can also exercise certain privileges when they have reached a certain age, and met specific state-mandated requirements, such as: being able to drive. When a young man/lady has reached 16 or another designated age determined by law, this individual is given a driver’s license, once they have taken an approved course, read the instruction manual, passed the written/driven test, and promised to drive with an adult present.

These are significant, but what about placing equal importance on teaching them the responsibilities involved with growing up, since many are struggling greatly with how to navigate this tumultuous period in their lives?

As a counselor, who works with traumatized fellas, 16-24, and their families, I have seen firsthand that having a formal Right of Passage into Manhood event is a good place to begin. It supports healthy development because the teen understands at least, when he is supposed to begin the process. This period marks a critical transition, as he is now considered to have greater responsibility as a young man, than he had as a boy.      

In specific religious groups/cultures, they have a designated time during a gentlemen’s life that clearly distinguish this separation between the two. There are ritualistic ceremonies when the fella reaches a specific age; whereby, he receives an honor from a male elder/priest/pastor, and pledges, chants some phrases/does a ceremonial dance, or gets gifts from his community, and others, unbeknownst to this author.       

Sadly, many do not receive this blessing or community support, and lack positive male role models that teach these important distinctions. Consequently, these desperate fellas can, and do wander aimlessly throughout life. This predisposes them to seek out this information from the internet, peers, gangs, fraternities, and other entities, who have been known to be unreliable resources.   

Older men, who lack the understanding about what responsibility really means, are impacted because their development has been permanently stalled in an immature child phase. Despite any, or all appearances of outward success, these guys are often poor at being/staying in relationships, and remain generally commitment phobic throughout their entire lives.   

Counselor’s note to Parents: Learning about manhood from the wrong sources, or remaining uninformed/guessing does not support your son with being responsible; much less, providing for his future wife and children, so it is important to consider what I am saying to you. 

To avoid such problems, decide to have a formal Right of Passage celebration for your son. Fathers should perform the ceremony. For those ladies raising young men on their own, or who have husbands, that are unwilling/not available, find other fellas, which care about your child to perform it.

These Rights of Passage into Manhood tips will support your decision:   

1)     If your son has not received a proper Right of passage into Manhood ceremony/celebration, talk to him about the reasons for having one, and include him in the process, along with other supportive family members.  

2)     During the celebration, include activities, significant to him.

3)     Write a meaningful pledge, printed on elegant paper and framed, which is given to your teen during the momentous engagement.

4)     Read the pledge, and have him repeat the words to establish the commitment.   

5)     Give him a significant souvenir from the occasion that will remind him of the decision he made.

By deciding to do a formal Right of Passage into Manhood event, your son will have the understanding he needs to make the transition from teenager to a man. Having this knowledge, avoids the problems with him being informed by the wrong influences, or remaining ignorant about the real duties/responsibilities, which come with maturity. This will benefit his life now, and those lives of significant others in the not-so-distant future.  

This post was inspired by my good friend, Heather McDonald. I dedicate it to her. Thank you, Heather.      

Thank you for reading. If you would like me to write about a specific topic, let me know.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.