Are You Helping Men Abuse Their Wives? Part III

Part III

The Response: A Strategy for Responding to Domestic Violence

Part I and Part II described the unhealthy but incredibly powerful connection that results from years of emotional and physical abuse. Understanding these concepts is a vital step in responding to the needs of domestic abuse victims. Leaders, friends, and family are cautioned that, over time, victims may perceive anyone trying to help her as the "bad guys" and the abuser as the "good guy."  

Victims may believe it difficult or even impossible to leave the abuser, even when they are surrounded by support that is reassuring and encouraging them to do so. Victims may continue to respect the awesome power and intellect of the abuser. 

Even when physically separated by deployments some victims continue to fear the abuser’s response and feel his influence. This can be true even if the abuser is in jail, another state, or dead.[24]

For many this article has introduced them to a side of domestic violence not previously considered. For others, it has been a painful look into their own lives. For those in a position to respond to domestic violence, it is an invitation to consider their understanding of domestic abuse allegations and consider whether their past expectations were consistent with victim's experiences. 

It is the author's hope that this article will propel leaders toward further research, professional study, and use of the experts in the field of family violence. Of course, understanding why women stay with abusive men is just one area leaders must consider when assessing and responding to domestic abuse. Understanding the abuser is the other side of that coin.

What about Him? A Recommended Reading

What about the abuser? Why does he abuse? How do your expectations match the reality of these men? Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men, answers these questions and puts to rest many of the myths that surround men who abuse.[25] 

In Why Does He Do That?, leaders will learn that abuse is about behaviors and beliefs. It is not about losing control or feeling too much stress or poor communication. It is not about "anger management," although that can make it worse.

Abuse is about failing to recognize the individuality of another and prioritizing the abuser’s needs above those closest to the abuser. 

Abusers do not always find pleasure or satisfaction in the damage their abuse causes. They can be the most charming, polite, and “nice” men outside of their homes. 

Leaders who believe their great Soldiers are “too nice” or “too professional” to abuse are reminded, it is this same charm and perception of competence that allows abusers to gain access to women who will later become victims of their twisted thinking. 

It is charm that disguises abusers from commanders and friends. "Abusers control women because they view these women as extensions of themselves. They do not perceive themselves as abusers, and are expert at presenting their own stories with tremendous denial, minimization, and distortion of history…."[26]

The Twins of Perspective    

Before leaders are faced with deciding the fate of victims (or their abusers), there are two experiences that would greatly benefit them. 

First, believe every excuse and rationalization that an abuser provides, and then discover he lied. 

Second, disbelief a victim. Find her story to be unbelievable, illogical, and irrational. Know in your gut that she is lying and imagine every malicious motive she must rely on to justify her false allegation—and then learn everything she said was true. 

These two experiences will force leaders (and family and friends) back to the reality that we are not able to judge the truth of allegations based on our social or public contact with the alleged abuser. We are not present for the private interactions of our Soldiers. We cannot accurately predict the violence and emotional abuse that is occurring in a woman’s home by the way her husband behaves at work or in social settings. 

Equally important, we cannot determine the credibility of a victim, or evaluate whether she deserves our protection, by the decisions she makes in the context of domestic violence. They make sense to her at the time.

Where to begin?

So how do leaders remain unbiased and still provide the necessary support to both their Soldier and the Soldier’s wife when there are allegations of abuse? 

Start by suspending judgment, without suspending support. Recognize that abusive Soldiers do not need you to believe them; they just need you to not believe the victim. Remaining neutral toward a victim is to embolden an abuser.[27] 

Avoid personally conducting or insist on couples counseling, which may inadvertently convey to the victim that her abuse is the product of poor communication. 

Never ask the victim whether she feels safe while you are in the presence of the alleged abuser. 

Never convey that there are two sides to every story, which is what controlling and abusive men need you to believe. Victims who know the truth of their experience will only hear that you do not believe them and that they are now on trial. 

Remember that the controlling behaviors that result in emotional and physical damage are intentional and systematic. They are cultural beliefs and controlling behaviors and not just a “misunderstanding” surrounding an isolated incident.[28] 

Abuse and anger are two distinct emotional and psychological problems. Sending an abuser to anger management may simply result in a calm and manipulative abuser.

Professional intervention programs for abusers have met with various degrees of success, but remain largely ineffective.[29] And for those that do reduce or eliminate abuse, it takes years to determine their effectiveness.[30] So leaders must remain realistic in their expectations. 

Leaders will never stop, reduce, or eliminate domestic abuse by personally counseling their Soldiers or by sternly ordering their Soldiers to stop.[31] 

Leaders, who frequently order no contact orders (protection from abuse) as an immediate response to allegations of abuse, must understand that the resulting period of separation can be dangerous and pose the highest lethal risk to the victim.[32]  

Do not assume that ordering the abuser out of the house has increased the safety of the victim. Consider additional accountability and safety measures, including suggesting the victim receive support at an undisclosed shelter. And expect that in many cases, the victim will be the one to re-initiate contact with the abuser. Understanding the concepts in this paper will go a long way toward managing the inevitable frustration and helplessness that results from watching victims return to abuse.

As for talking with the victim, start by believing and remain strategic in your response. Compassionately tell the victim “I’m sorry this happened to you.” You most often will not have enough facts to credibly judge the extent of the abuse, but sending the message that you care and that you believe her experience is imperative in securing continued cooperation from the victim.

Conveying belief and support early, is one of the most important factors responsible for identifying evidence to confirm or alleviate the allegations. So respond sincerely, as though the allegation could actually be true. Stop and deliberately challenge yourself if your first thought is, “There is no way he could have done this!”

Your sophisticated understanding of domestic abuse dynamics—the victim behaviors, the abuser tactics, and even your own bias, will allow you to more effectively respond to both victims and accused, without enabling further abuse.

Over the years I have intentionally tried to pull military leaders back to less certainty than they may intuitively respond with by offering, "Of course maybe your Soldier isn't abusing his wife…unless he is."

Footnotes: Continued from Part II.

[24] Dixon, Traumatic Bonding and the Development of the Stockholm Syndrome in Abused Women.

[25] Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?

[26] Ibid. Introduction xviii

[27] Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, p. 286.

[28] See https://www.lundybancroft.com/articles/assessing-and-monitoring-programs-for-men-who-abuse-women (“As 30 years of clinical experience and a huge collection of research studies have demonstrated, battering is primarily a cultural problem, not a psychological one; that is to say, battering is a learned and socially reinforced behavior used to exert power and control in an intimate relationship, tightly linked to the history of male domination. A BIP needs to understand from the outset that battering behavior is mostly chosen, goal-oriented behavior, used to enforce the abuser’s will and intimidate the victim. If program personnel take the view that battering is largely a product of stress, low self-esteem, substance abuse, mental health problems, or bad relationships dynamics, the program will end up contributing more to the problem than to the solution”—Lundy Bancroft

[29] Patricia Cluss and Alina Bodea (2011). The Effectiveness of Batterer Intervention Programs: A Literature Review & Recommendations for Next Steps. (“There is very little or no empirically demonstrated effectiveness of widely available group interventions…”). Retrieved from https://fisafoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/BIPsEffectiveness.pdf

[30] Ibid. (“At this point in time, we do not have reliable measures of which abusers have made the kinds of changes that will make them unlikely to abuse women psychologically, physically, or sexually in the future. Outcome studies of abuser programs, almost without exception, have found very high rates of repeat offending by program completers. Therefore no client should be said to have “successfully” completed the program – it will take years to know if his completion was a successful one or not – and completers should not be given certificates to use as they please”—Lundy Bancroft.

[31] Ibid. (I believe that the proper length of an abuser program is probably in the range of 18-36 months, with structured “aftercare” for years afterwards)—Lundy Bancroft.

[32] McGee, Susan G. S., 20 Reasons Why She Stays, p. 3 (“Many, perhaps most, people believe that battered women will be safe once they separate from the batterer. They also believe that women are free to leave abusers at any time. However, leaving does not usually put an end to the violence. Batterers may, in fact, escalate their violence to coerce a battered woman into reconciliation or to retaliate for the battered women's perceived rejection or abandonment of the batterer. Assailants believe they are entitled to their relationship with battered women and that they "own" their female partners. They view women's departure as an ultimate betrayal that justifies and demands revenge”).

[33] The Constitution of the United States does not explicitly refer to a presumption of innocence. See Coffin v. United States, 156 U.S. 432 (1895).