Are You Helping Men Abuse Their Wives? Part II

Understanding and Responding to Domestic Violence.

Von Kliem, BGS, MCJ, JD, LL.M

PART II: Stockholm Syndrome, Cycle of Violence, Power and Control, and Trauma Bonding

In Part I, we were given a behind-the-scenes look at domestic violence and identified three of the most compelling reasons why some women stay in (or return to) violent and toxic relationships; she “loves” him; she can “fix” him; and she “needs” him. But what explains these distortions of obviously unhealthy and dangerous relationships?

In Part II we continue to address how a victim comes to believe she "needs" her abuser. We introduce the role of four concepts, “Stockholm Syndrome,” “Cycle of Violence,” “Trauma Bonding,” and the “Power and Control Dynamic," to explain the influence and sometimes absolute control abusers can wield over their victims.

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome originally described the phenomenon wherein, after spending several days with hostage takers, some hostages begin to view their captors as the “good guys,” and may empathize with and actually defend the hostage takers.[14] This same phenomenon is often applied to abusive domestic relationships with some notable differences.[15] While hostage takers can intentionally, or unwittingly, connect with victims over hours or days, domestic abusers have access to charm, manipulate, and exert control over their victims for months and years.

The extended access that domestic abusers have to their victims facilitates a gradual exertion of control and avoids the need for more overt and aggressive violence, which may come later. As Debra Dixon, author “Why Do You Stay?” Traumatic Bonding and the Development of the Stockholm Syndrome in Abused Women, notes:

“If he took the woman out and beat her on the first date there would be no second date. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it.” [16] 

Whatever the timing or gradual nature of abuse, eventually some men rely on aggressive violence and intimidation to take control. These men dominate their victims with beatings, degrading name-calling, threats of violence, and irrational, aggressive, and unpredictable rages—all designed to strip the victim of her independence, her orientation, and finally her capacity for self-determination. 

Bigger, stronger, or simply more aggressive, these men create high levels of stress, demonstrate disgust at the victim’s inability to cope, and then establish themselves as the solution and ultimate source of peace (and safety). As a result, the abuser quickly creates a power imbalance that allows him to dominate and control every aspect of the victim’s existence.

Any period of peace or normalcy that follows abuse (“honeymoon” phase) is disorienting and serves to keep victims hopeful but off-balance. This back and forth between chaos and peace facilitates the seemingly illogical, but undeniably powerful, bond between some victims and abusers. The next sections will detail how this traumatic bonding is developed and maintained throughout the “Cycle of Violence" and “Power and Control” dynamic.[17]   

Cycle of Violence   

A "cycle of violence" is frequently observed in the context of domestic violence. The cycle involves a “tension-building” phase, an “acute incidence” of abuse, and a finally a “honeymoon” phase, wherein relative peace is enjoyed until the tension is built once again. Each phase is varied in length and intensity with some cycles lasting months and others, like that observed in our opening case, lasting literally seconds (“I love you. F*** you!”). 

While the cycle of violence is often viewed as a couples dynamic, it is also explains the internal process of the abuser. This is a critical insight that helps avoid shifting responsibility for abuse to victims.

Viewing the cycle of violence as the internal process of the abuser, rather than the product of couples’ interactions, avoids the temptation to view pre-abuse “tension building” as the responsibility of both partners.

All couples can certainly benefit from reduced stress, improved communication, skillful time management, and mature emotional control. The absence of these skills in either party can cause otherwise avoidable stress. But there are important distinctions between abusive and healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, tension building is not deliberate, and to reduce the inevitable tension, couples engage in creative, effective, and non-violent problem solving. 

Abusers, on the other hand, create the tension as a tool or excuse to dominate and control their targets. They can then provide relief from tension, both as the strategy for gaining initial access to the victim, and as a reward for their victims' compliance. The contrived kindness and “love” demonstrated during the "honeymoon phase" becomes part of the Power and Control dynamic that creates powerful and immobilizing bonds between an abuser and their victim.

Power and Control     

The Power and Control dynamic explains how abusers create tension either as a malicious tool of control or as a product of their narcissistic or borderline personalities.[18] These dynamics can, and often do, involve various levels of threats and physical violence, however the manipulations likely did not start that way.[19] More often it is the subtle coercions and emotional manipulations gradually introduced into a seemingly healthy relationship that provide the most powerful levels of control. 

Consider that many abusive men do not advertise themselves as jealous, controlling, or violent. They are skilled at gaining intimate access to women, which is why the cycle of violence may actually begin with a honeymoon phase. They can be handsome, attentive, successful, intelligent, charismatic, confident, tender, encouraging, and deeply religious. They are members of every profession. They are officers and enlisted, and they can appear to be the best Soldiers. In other words, these men can be “perfect,” . . . until they’re not. 

The Slow Boil: A Road to Domination, Control, and Captivity    

Although the slow road to establishing domination and control is varied, consider the following strategies, which have been described by women who have escaped abusive relationships. These particular strategies used notions of male privilege and traditional family roles to gradually exert control over unsuspecting victims. Access to these women was granted through a mutually agreed view that men should be the head of the household. Whether through guilt, resulting from the manipulation of religion, or simply the deferential posture of a trusting wife, abusive men can position themselves for deference. In this role, they create family rules, some of which become arbitrary “rules of living.” 

When an abuser's "life rule" is initially violated, they may display a good natured, almost collaborative approach to discussing the best way to handle those situations. Gradually, these discussions are replaced by gentle, condescending tolerance as they lecture their wife about her failure. When another arbitrary rule is violated (like the proper distance to park from a curb) they may illogically link the dereliction to the previous failure and with great disappointment, vocally characterize their wife as “unable to do anything right.” They may remind her that it is not that “hard” and she just needs to “use her head.” Still gradually, discussions turn to lectures, lectures to disappointments, disappointments to accusations, and accusation to contemptuous, dramatic, and aggressive overreactions. 

Confident in their status, abusers will loudly, and with increasing vulgarity, remind their wife how many times they have told her about this rule (it doesn’t matter if they have never mentioned it). They will prevent their wife from fixing the problem and will instead take care of it themselves with great displays of indignation. “I guess I have to do everything!” becomes their anthem. They will take advantage of opportunities to sarcastically advertise, especially to their children, that they are fixing the problem because no one else seems able to. 

Before long, the disoriented wife, who once saw herself as an equal, valuable, and capable individual--will now be anxiously paying attention to these arbitrary rules and carefully avoiding offense out of sheer embarrassment (for herself and for him) or fear of an escalating response. Eventually a disappointed, disgusted, or stern look will be enough to communicate failure and generate fear and hasty compliance.

Police and counselors will clue into these attitudes as men confide, "I keep telling her..." or "I'm losing my patience..," oblivious to the paternalistic role they have adopted with their wives.

Power and Control, established through strategies like those above, are not reserved for low income or undereducated women. Even when the most intelligent and self-reliant women recognize the ridiculousness and ever-changing status of these new “life rules,” they begin to follow them (and demand children follow them), just to keep the peace. They may not agree with the rule, but they are no longer able to predict the intensity of the response by the rule maker. 

Early efforts to rationally discuss even the simplest of rules eventually transform into condescending sarcastic lectures, name calling, and intense emotional rages that punctuate the unpredictability of the abuser. Eventually victims realize they no longer recognize the man they married or their self. They wake up disoriented in an unpredictable life and find they are afraid of their own husband. 

As the power imbalance increases, victims (repeatedly exposed to the irrational, intense and scary rebukes) begin to doubt their own judgment. Despite their committed and exhausting effort to avoid even the slightest offense, they are unable to sustain the abuser’s approval.  

Disoriented and exhausted, they begin to believe the lies of the abuser. Through the process of enmeshment (fusion) they no longer see themselves as individuals but instead as extensions of the abuser. Every thought is run through the warped filter of his perspective. And it is vital to understand, woman trapped in these relationships may still believe that their husbands love them.[20] 

Windows of Beauty; The Honeymoon Phase    

The most powerful tool in the Power and Control dynamic are those moments of affection, peace, and kindness introduced as the reward for compliance. The abuser takes the time to declare his appreciation and demonstrate affection for his wife (often publicly to maintain the illusion of his exceptionalism). He will convey that he loves her above all else in his life. He would be lost without her. 

Privately, he adds to the disorienting and unpredictable dynamics by insinuating (and sometimes expressly stating) he could not live without her and would instead hurt himself out of desperation. The impact is to simultaneously introduce a powerful persuasion of love (he must really love her if her absence would cause him to kill himself) and to introduce a paralyzing hesitation to even consider confronting or leaving her husband (he has convinced her she will be responsible for his suicide). 

Although the terms victim and abuser are freely used throughout this article, it is important to recognize that many of these women do not recognize themselves as victims or their husbands as abusers. Those conclusions, which may seem obvious through an objective lens, would require victims to first recognize and then dismantle the months or years of lies and rationalizations that have been gradually introduced, and relied on to sustain their relationships. 

They would have to admit that they were deceived. They would have to admit that they wasted years of their life and gave intimate access to a man that was systematically stripping them of their identity, value, and humanity.      

If victims could get a “sanity check” by testing their experiences and judgment against that of trusted friends and family, maybe they would maintain a healthy perspective, continue to value their worth and individuality, and escape the destructive control of their abuser. But the manipulative abuser has taken care of that too. 

Friends, family members, coworkers, and even commanders and clergy become threats to the abuser. To have his behavior and judgment scrutinized through an objective lens would sabotage his fragile, carefully crafted identity as the sole source of the victim’s support and continued existence. So, he begins the process of isolation. Every relationship is subtly and systematically attacked by the abuser. False and humiliating allegations of affairs, degrading name-calling, guilt inducing rages against time spent “away from the family,” all force the victim into a position of defending her loyalty, commitment, and fidelity in the face of baseless accusations. 

Shame keeps the victim silent and she will become expert at portraying a happy, healthy relationship. She will force a smile for pictures and energetically tell stories of her husband’s success. 

Over time it becomes easier to withdraw from external relationships and thereby prove her loyalty, quiet the chaos, and desperately avoid a humiliating confrontation between the abuser and the victim’s friends or coworkers—a threat the abuser will persistently introduce. 

Finally, the victim is left feeling isolated with only the abuser and the dysfunctional bond between them. The abuser, however, is free to continue his public campaign to be viewed as the best husband, father, and Soldier.

Trauma Bonding    

Ultimately, victims of the above manipulation and emotional abuse begin to look to the abuser for permission and guidance. They become dependent on the abuser for their security, self-worth, and certainty. 

Intermittent calm, praise, and tenderness become tools that the abuser uses to create an unbelievably strong emotional dependence on him (domestic trauma bonding). Sex may be a welcome break from the chaos and an easy way to earn his approval. But the lines between consensual and forced sex within the marriage become blurred. A man, unwilling to hear no in the kitchen or no in the living room, does not suddenly concern himself with his wife’s opinion in the bedroom.

Although researchers estimate that nearly 45% of marriages that involve physical abuse also involve forcible rape,[21] these numbers would grow exponentially if they included coerced sex or sex as a strategy to avoid abuse. The abuser creates the tension and then defines the ways he will allow a break. Sex is often on that list.

Hostages and Domestic Violence Victims Compared

As mentioned above, the formation of traumatic bonds is often compared to "Stockholm Syndrome," those conditions developed between hostages and captors.[22] In the context of both "Stockholm Syndrome" and traumatic bonding, the victim perceives the abuser as a threat to her well-being--physically or psychologically. The captor or abuser then becomes the source of relief from the threat they created. The victim is isolated from others, physically, in the case of hostages, and both physically and emotionally in the case of domestic traumatic bonding. In either case, the victim does not perceive a way to escape. To avoid intimidation, rages, and the ever-present fear of death or injury, victims focus on the needs of the unpredictable, threatening abuser. They are rewarded for their successes and relieved, even proud, to hold a favorable position, if only for a short time.

The similarities in how hostages and abuse victims survive their experiences is startling and tragic. For abuse victims, fusing their self-preservation to meeting the needs of their abuser, results in a loss of identity. Cognitive dissonance results when the reality of the situation is inconsistent with a victim’s expectation of her relationship and the world. 

When victims become aware of the abuse, they find ways to redefine the reality through denial or distancing. To effectively manage the new reality, the victim (like hostages) must see the world from the abuser's perspective. They will minimize or justify the abuser’s behavior and refuse to characterize it as abuse.[23] 

To avoid challenging his authority and incurring his wrath, she adopts his world view. He has convinced her through woeful tales of injustice, raging indignation, and even tearful eyes that he is the victim. That his parents, his command, even his ex-wives and girlfriends have mistreated him and forced him into disadvantage. Having lost faith in her own judgment, the victim begins to view the world through the only lens that is relevant—that of the abuser.

Understanding the complex world of abuse is the first step toward treating victims with dignity and respect. In PART III we will introduce a strategy for responding to domestic violence reports and a look into the minds of abusive men. We'll answer why anger management issues aren't the underlying cause of abuse.

Footnotes: Continued from Part I.

[14] https://www.britannica.com/topic/Stockholm-syndrome

[15] Graham, Dee L. R., and Edna I. Rawlings. ‘‘Bonding with Abusive Dating Partners: Dynamics of the Stockholm Syndrome.’’ In Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger, edited by Barrie Levy. Seattle: Seal Press, 1991, pp. 119–135.

[16] Dixon, Debra, Sanctuary for the Abused, “Why Do You Stay?” Traumatic Bonding and the Development of the Stockholm Syndrome in Abused Women. Available at https://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html (“We often berate the victim for staying in these relationships and can't understand how it happened. A violent, controlling man does not take a woman out and beat her on the first date. We all put on our best face when we initially meet people and batterers are no different. If he took the woman out and beat her on the first date there would be no second date. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it. His taking control of her is a gradual process”--Debra Dixon). 

[17] Ellen Pence, Michael Paymar and other activists in Duluth, MN developed the Power and Control model explaining domestic violence as a result of the patriarchal values of our society. The application of the Power and Control model has expanded to include the abuse of values and beliefs that identify men as the natural head of households.

[18] “[Narcissistic or borderline personalities] see themselves as the central focus of relationships and can literally block their bad behavior from consciousness.” Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, p. 73

[19] See footnote 18.

[20] “Recipe” is the product of interviews with victims who have escaped domestic violence and abuse who will remain anonymous.

[21] Campbell, et al. (2003). “Assessing Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Homicide.” Intimate Partner Homicide, NIJ Journal, 250, 14-19. Washington, D.C.: National Institute of Justice, U.S. Department of Justice

[22] Dixon, Debra, Sanctuary for the Abused, “Why Do You Stay?” Traumatic Bonding and the Development of the Stockholm Syndrome in Abused Women. Last accessed on November 30, 2014 at https://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html

[23] Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock, It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence 2nd ed. Routledge 2006 p. 14