Are you a Good Listener?

(First Published September 2017 by Brendan Salter)

One of the reasons people are not good at listening is because, on the whole, they stop listening when they hear something that they are desperate to respond to and their mind drifts off formulating and re-formulating a reply.

Listening skills start with paying attention and not starting to compose a response in your mind. Doing that means you will not be listening to the speaker but listening for a space in which you can interject with your reply. The speaker may well sense this lack of interest and stop talking.

I thought I had pretty good listening skills developed from my days in senior management in a large national company dealing with employees, customers and fellow management. However they have developed to a new level in my role as a mediator as I realise listening is not only paying attention to the words being spoken but how they are being spoken, the use of language and of voice and how the speaker uses their body i.e. being aware of verbal and non-verbal messages and perceiving and understanding these messages.

To be good mediator you have to have not only good listening skills but empathy.

Empathic listening (also called active listening or reflective listening) It is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. It is an essential skill as it enables the listener to receive and accurately interpret the speaker's message, and then provide an appropriate response. The response is an integral part of the listening process and can be critical to the success of a negotiation or mediation by:

• building trust and respect
• encouraging the release of information
• enabling the parties to release emotion
• reducing tensions
• creating an environment conducive to problem sharing

However, If you’re not a mediator but would like to develop the skills of being a good listener to bring benefits in your day to day personal and work life here are a few simple tips:

Eye contact - If you don’t look at the person while they’re speaking, you give them the impression that you don’t care about what they say but also it helps you to focus on their words and absorb their thoughts. No need to stare but be attentive.

No interruptions – tempting though it may be to interrupt as a thought is fresh in your mind DON'T and allow the speaker finish what they want to say. It’s their moment; yours comes after when you can ask questions for clarification or further explanation.

Physical Acknowledgement –a simple nod of the head or an ‘mmm’ will demonstrate understanding and interest and encourage the speaker to be open and outspoken on the matter in hand. However, in mediation it has to be done in a manner that doesn’t suggest you are taking their side.

No Finishing sentences – your mental pace may be quicker than theirs but no finishing sentences – it’s not only very rude but also a massive assumption that your mind is heading the same way.

Listen without thinking –hard to do but as I said before try not to formulate thoughts that distract from the speaker's message. Our brains race ahead thinking at about 800 words a minute whilst the speaker can only achieve 140.

I've changed my habits because a mediator has to listen ...... give it a go and see how it benefits your relationships at work.