Are you Giving up or Letting go?

What is the difference between giving up and letting go? And does it matter whether or not we understand this difference?

The first difference between them lies in the degree of control you have in the situation. Letting go is an effective response when the situation is not in your control. Some of life’s biggest tragedies and disappointments fall into this category. Death of a loved one, a natural calamity, diagnosis of an untreatable condition. Our past, the family we were born into, the genetic traits we inherit also form part of this list.

The only choice we have here is changing our mindset, which means accepting the situation and letting go of the desire to change it.

The second difference between them lies in the conscious choice to invest effort or not. Letting go is a very effective response when you may have some degree of control in the situation, but make a conscious choice not to invest effort in changing it because its not worth it, or for the greater good. Letting go is a smart response in petty arguments where you feel maintaining peace is more important. There could be situations where you may have been harmed, but the effort required to create consequences is too large, and distracts from your life priorities. Or, simply put the cost benefit doesn’t work out for you. So you decide to let go and move on.

Like Churchill said “You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks”.

Make no mistake in thinking that I am suggesting that you must never pick up a battle. There are battles in life which are worth picking up even if you are going to lose. These are battles where the issue is very important, like your principles or your honour. Where you consciously decide to “hold on”, instead of “letting go”. The decision between where to hold on and where to let go is an important predictor of your success and happiness in life. Invest time and energy in choosing your battles.

Now coming to “giving up”. Giving up is different from letting go, in that you have a fair degree of control in the former, but you do not wish to put in the effort. The issue is also important enough for you, but you just don’t want to do the hard work. It is a lack of determination and perseverance from your end. Giving up could be laziness, inertia or at times cowardice.

Peace is the after effect of letting go. Regret is the after effect of giving up. Letting go is a release and an expansion. It means taking back control. Giving up is quitting, and making yourself a victim of circumstances. Giving up comes easier than letting go.

There are times that the difference between them can be blurred. These are the gray parts of life, and only you can decide for yourself whether you are giving up or letting go. Think carefully before you label your choice.

Why is it important to understand the difference between the two? And why is it important how you label your choices?

The way you frame your decisions and your inner dialogue impacts your relationship with yourself. The most important relationship in the world. Your relationship with yourself is your self-worth.

Giving up will subtract from your self-worth. Letting go will not. A life pattern of “giving up” is fatal for your self-worth. Lying to yourself by labelling a giving up as letting go will not help. Your conscience knows the truth. Its very difficult to fool the conscience, it can see through all sorts of tricks.

Guard yourself against a repeated pattern of giving up. It will gnaw at your self-worth from the inside, and make you feel like a loser.

We are more guilty of giving up on goals that matter, and NOT letting go of things that don’t really matter. This imbalance is many times at the heart of our inability to succeed and unhappiness. In fact letting go of the less important releases energy to “hold on” to the more important. Which are the goals in life that you need to hold onto and persevere, and not give up? And what is it that you need to let go off? How will you correct this imbalance in your life?

Gulshan Walia - I am a leadership coach & HR consultant. My main areas of work are leadership development, coaching, behavioural skill workshops, performance management and HR processes. Here is an overview of my coaching practice. Drop me a note at [email protected] if you are interested.

View my website at www.infinitzusconsulting.com to learn more about my areas of work