Are you a Fixer? Balance Service with Self-Care

Elizabeth was a VP at a major tech company. Her sense of responsibility was exceptional, and she spent the majority of her time fixing issues that arose both at work and in her personal life. This constant problem-solving left her with little time for herself. Eventually, her friends stopped inviting her to social events because she frequently declined. Ironically, despite her efforts to help others, her relationships with family members and colleagues became strained.

Similarly, Ben, a retired physician in his early seventies, dedicated himself to a volunteer cause he cared deeply about. However, instead of feeling fulfilled, he found himself overwhelmed with guilt. Thoughts like "I’m not doing enough" and "I’m letting people down" plagued him. Even when he considered taking a break from his volunteer work, he was consumed with guilt.

Service to others is a fundamental human need. It provides a sense of belonging and fulfillment, contributing to a better world. However, this drive can become unhealthy when it is taken to extremes, as seen in Ben and Elizabeth's experiences.

The Trap of Overextending: Where Do These Expectations Come From?

After completing college, I secured high-paying jobs and eventually started a family. But when I finally reached a level where I could be considered a successful professional woman, I realized the cost was too high. Despite my ability to perform well, the relentless challenges left me feeling drained, disappointed, and questioning my competence.

Much of this can be attributed to the hustle culture, particularly in the corporate world, where those who step in to fix others' shortcomings are often revered.

In the article Performance Punishment: The Reason You May Be Losing Your Best People, the concept is explained as:

"Humans are naturally driven to achieve greatness. Our desire for status—the need to be perceived by others as capable, worthy, or impactful—is so crucial to our survival that our brains release feel-good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin when we receive a status boost. These rewards are so addictive that we work even harder to experience them repeatedly."

Another explanation comes from the book The Power of TED, which introduces the concept of the Problem Drama Triangle. In this model, a "rescuer" feels compelled to solve problems for others, driven by the victim's distress. Rescuers derive their sense of purpose from "being there" and "saving the world," fearing abandonment if they are not helpful.

Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, captures this dynamic perfectly:

“When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.”

How Can We Help Others Without Losing Ourselves?

As an executive coach, I encounter many high-achievers with strong rescuer tendencies. Unfortunately, shifting away from the mindset of constantly rescuing others and hustling for worthiness is challenging. However, Dr. Brené Brown suggests that wholehearted living might be the most effective remedy for these tendencies.

Wholehearted living involves engaging with our lives from a place of self-worth. It’s about having the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up each day and think, "No matter what gets done or what is left undone, I am enough." It’s about ending the day with the belief that, "Yes, I am imperfect, vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and deserving of love and belonging."

The Power of TED also describes the empowerment dynamic, which encourages us to see others as whole, capable, and creative individuals who don’t need rescuing. Instead, we can adopt the coach role, offering support when appropriate.

All these changes take a lot of self-work, time, and commitment, often requiring months or even years of practice to rewrite our internal narratives. However, when we embark on this journey, we can transform our overbearing sense of responsibility into a collaborative energy that benefits everyone, including ourselves.

My name is Sharmin Banu; I've been coaching Fortune 500 and startup executives globally since 2009. My mission is cultivating sustainable success with purpose and joy. Through personalized coaching, my clients enhance their executive presence, amplify impact and influence, nurture emotional intelligence (EQ), foster career advancement, and boost team productivity.

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