You, first

“When you say “yes” to others,

make sure you are not saying “no”

to yourself.

?? ? Paul Cohelo

Are you putting other people’s needs ahead of your own?

Feeling tired, under pressure, guilty?

Do you have feelings of low self-esteem, low self-confidence and low self-worth? Feelings like these can lead to depression and anxiety. Putting others’ needs first can mean you don’t give yourself enough self-care. You can end up feeling “burnt out”, drained and wondering where the joy in your life has gone.

Looking after YOUR self

Self-care - putting your own needs first - is not the same as being selfish in the sense of mean-spirited. Being yourself means recognising your own needs, wants, desires - including time and space for just you.?You need rest, recharging and nourishing too. And without that, you can become depleted, lacking in energy and lacking the resources to be helpful to others anyway.

Self-care means that you know you are worthy. And because you are alive, breathing (and reading this) you are very much worthy. You deserve this, You are good enough for this, no one else is more worthy and more deserving of your time than you are. ?

We grow up learning not to put ourselves first.?"Think of others." "I want never gets." "He who comes first comes last."

All too often, as children, we learned to leave our own wants, needs, desires aside. We were taught and it was our experience that we can only be OK when everyone else is. So we get used to ignoring what we want. As a child, we didn’t have the resources to do much else. It’s a pattern we carry into our adult lives, repeating and believing we are being “good”.?

This suppression of ourselves happens so fast that we can be almost entirely unaware of our needs. We’re just left with a vague, unexpressed feeling of dissatisfaction.?Over time this chronic, unsatisfied internal state can lead to depression, anxiety and from there to physical ailments - tiredness, chronic pain, disease.?

In our effort to overcome this unfulfilled state, we can make less-than-helpful life choices - in the jobs we do, the relationships we choose to stay with, the habits that we form and rely on.

Good News

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can choose to change, but first, you can choose to become aware of the patterns and habits you follow now. Develop awareness of the patterns and habits that you follow. Grow in honest and open self-observation. Accept who you truly are and embrace yourself as you are now, with compassionate curiosity and love.

From your authentic self, evolve new ways of thinking, acting and behaving. Keep practising mindfulness in all you do and say. Seek the nourishing contact available to you and move away from toxic environments.

Sounds like a tall order? It’s not. You can do it for yourself. There are seemingly unending supplies of self-help books, videos, courses and “guaranteed” life-changing experiences for you to explore.

Seeking the help of an experienced and skilful professional is one way to start your journey. Someone who will walk beside you as you travel from the shadow of your suppressed life to the sunshine of openness and inner peace, being fully present in each precious moment of your life.

But you would expect me to say that, wouldn’t you?

So as a New Year begins and your new life beckons, allow me to share some thoughts on how you can help yourself. For free.?

3 good practice tips for 2022

1. Include time just for you along with your other commitments.?

So I like to wake up early and take my time getting ready for my day. I take a few minutes for formal mindfulness and meditation. Quiet time with a cuppa. Reviewing tasks and schedules for the day before I get going.?I like to make time for a walk. And listen to some music. Or just look after my correspondence.

These times are planned for each day so I don’t forget to do them. And unless something out of the ordinary comes up (which happens, we know it does) I won’t “cancel” the appointment with my own needs.

?2. Let people know what you need for yourself.?

This includes letting yourself know!?

When your friend rings for a chat and you need some space, send a text “…love to chat with you very soon, just finishing off what I’m doing, can I call you back around (specify a time that suits you)?”

Say a colleague interrupts you with something she wants to talk over. If that’s not ideal for you, suggest another time and stick to that. Stay focussed on what’s good for you right now.

Establish a routine for working days that has time for relaxation built-in. Let your friends and family know that you won’t be available between 6 and 7:30, for example.

Being honest with yourself about your needs makes it easier to communicate this to other people.

Your time is important. Your time for yourself is important. If you act like it’s ok to disturb you every time, you're showing others that you aren’t as important as they are. And that's simply not true.?

3. Say yes - to yourself.?

Say no to others (unless it matches a yes inside you).

Some of us are rescuers. Some are people pleasers. Then there are those of us who are Superman or Superwoman. And you're indispensable - other people just wouldn't manage if you're not there to sort things out.

You can feel that you're doing “the right thing” by your selfless or heroic behaviour. And you could be right - if you're NOT neglecting your own needs and wants as part of the bargain.

Constantly putting others first means putting yourself last and that’s draining.

Ask yourself: “Am I behaving this way so that people will like me?” Being liked and appreciated generates a good feeling. Liking yourself and appreciating yourself for who you already are is a much deeper, more sustaining and sustainable feeling. And the people who like the real you - well, you know they really like you.

So learn to say “No”. Learn to say “Yes”. Most of all, learn when to say yes to yourself and no to others. Learn to be selfish. Not mean-spirited, not careless of others. Just add a little self-care to your life and experience the difference.?

And finally……if none of that works, you can always call me, of course.

Happy New Year. All year