Are you experiencing Family Violence?

According to LinkedIn I have over 3,500 followers reading my posts so I know that it is statistically impossible that some of you are not living with family violence.

I have no doubt that some of you are either in an abusive relationship or abusing your partner, parent or child.

I also have no doubt that some of you don't know that you are being abused or being abusive. Not all abuse involves physical force but all abuse is about control.

Your relationships and family should provide you with the things that we all need like love, care, support and safety. For some people their homes and families are not safe and do not provide support. 

Abuse can be physical, such as hitting, pushing or choking. It can also be sexual, emotional, psychological and financial. Behaviour like putting you down and making you feel worthless, or being so possessive and jealous that they stop you from working, speaking to friends or family or going out by yourself is also not acceptable.

Forcing or tricking someone into doing sexual things is also abuse as is taking money from them or withholding money in order to control or punish. 

Family Violence Quiz

Download the quiz in Word Format https://interact.support/family-violence-quiz/

This is the quiz content. Answer the following questions about your partner, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your friend, your care giver, or a family member who you think may be abusing you.

? Do you feel uncomfortable or afraid of them?

? Do they often put you down, humiliate you, or make you feel worthless?

? Do they constantly check up on what you’re doing or where you are going? Do they want to know where you are every minute of the day?

? Do they try to stop you from seeing your own friends or family?

? Do they take your car or car keys to stop you from leaving?

? Do they make it hard for friends or family to visit you? E.g by deliberately being rude to them or you, messing up your house, making other commitments that force you to cancel plans etc.

? Do they make you feel afraid to disagree or say ‘no’ to them?

? Do they constantly accuse you of flirting with others when this isn’t true?

? Do they tell you how the household finances should be spent rather than discuss them with you? Are you not allowed to have any money for yourself?

? Do they take your pay or other money from you against your wishes?

? If you depend on them financially do they withhold money from you and force you to beg for money for food and other necessities?

? Do they stop you from having medical assistance?

? Do they scare or hurt you by being violent? Things like hitting, slapping, pushed down, biting, burning, choking, shaking, grabbing, smashing things, locking you in, driving dangerously to frighten you etc

? Do they threaten to hurt you, or to kill themselves if you say you want to end the relationship?

? Do they do any of these things in front of your children?

? Do they physically hurt your child, threatened or verbally abused a child in the family?

? Have they used a weapon against you? Or threatened to?

? Have they put pressure or forced you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do?

? Have they threatened to beat or have sex with your children unless you do what they say?

? Have they forced you to have sex or watch pornography when you didn’t want to?

? Do they regularly call you names and says things they know upset you?

? Do they tell you that you are worthless or that no one else would every want you if you left?      

? Do you change what you want to do or say because you’re afraid of the persons temper and what they may do to you?

? Are you afraid if you left they would kill you? Or themselves?

? Have they made you commit crimes or do other things you feel are wrong?

? Have they coerced you into using drugs or alcohol against your will?

? Have they forced you to sign papers, take out loans or put up collateral against your will or made you sign things and refused to explain what they were?

? After hurting you, do they act sweet and loving? Say sorry? Cry? Buy gifts? Want sex?

? Do they have extreme highs and lows?

? Has a former partner who has accused them of hitting them or other family violence?

? Do they say that you belong to them and can never leave?

? Are they cruel to animals? Threaten to hurt or kill your pets if you don’t do what they want?

? Do they appear charming to outsiders but say horrible things to you?

? Do they treat you well in public but not in private?

? Do they say that they can’t help losing their temper? Or say that YOU made them lose it?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these, there are signs that you are not being treated right, or that you are being abused.

If you don’t feel safe, respected and cared for, then something isn’t right.

Abuse happens when one person tries to control or hurt another and there can be many reasons why they abuse others but no matter what you don’t deserve to be abused.

In Australia you do not have to accept being abused and if the person who is abusing you won’t stop you may need to get a family violence order.

What to do if you are being abused?

There is help available if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are in danger call 000 and ask for the police.

If you are not in a crisis right now talk to your local family violence service or call Interact Support to book in for a Separation and Divorce Consultation to find out about your options.

Sometimes a relationship that has become abusive can be saved but only if the person who is abusing you is willing to change their behaviour.

It is painful to realise that you are being abused but it is not your fault. If you can face it then you can do something to improve your life and find the love, care, support and safety you need in your family and relationships.

Declarations of love are not enough if they also come with abuse. If someone really loves you they will care for you, support you and help keep you to be safe emotionally and physically when you are with them.

Joanne Law – Program Manager Interact Support

What to do if you are being abusive?

Now go back through the quiz and ask yourself are you doing any of these things to your partner or some other family member. Be honest. Only you can see your answers.

It is possible for you to be both being abused and being abusive.

If you are having trouble with unmanaged emotions or behaviour get some help before it is too late for your relationship or you end up with a Family Violence Order against you. 

You can’t keep hurting a person and expect them to keep loving you.

If you are still in a relationship with them:

• Do some counselling. I mean really engage with the process even when you feel uncomfortable and hear things about yourself that you don’t like.
• Try relationship mediation if counselling isn’t your thing.
• Attend an anger management / behaviour change course or online learning.
• Attend a parenting program to learn about effective parenting if your own family were violent or you were not raised in a functional family

If your relationship has already broken down and you are now separated:

• Participate in family dispute resolution with a genuine intention to negotiate a way forward
• Do some personal counselling to help deal with your issues
• Attend an anger management / behaviour change course or online learning.
• Attend a post separation parenting program to learn about effective co-parenting

There is so much blame associated with family violence and abuse.

People who hurt their loved ones often blame them for provoking them or making them lose control. Sorry but we are each responsible for our own emotions and behavioural choices. You may not have learnt how to control yourself and are easily provoked but it is actually your problem and not the rest of the world.

People who are hurt by their loved ones often blame themselves believing the story that has been sold to them. Family violence causes conditioning (yes the same as Pavolov's Dogs) in that it is repeated, high intensity behaviour. If you live with family violence you learn to recognise the signs and adapt your own behaviour in an effort to avoid being lashed out at. There might have been incidents of violence in the past but not for a while but you are still living in fear especially if they look upset, use a certain tone of voice or a situation that usually triggers them occurs.

Work and Home Life Balance

To the people who think that issues such as family violence don't belong on a business forum like LinkedIn I would respectfully say stop kidding yourself.

The impact of family violence and abusive behaviour in the workplace is understated, not well understood but I would hazard to guess massive.

Abusive behaviour is often an underlying causal factor in suddenly poor work performance, absenteeism, employee turnover, poor morale and low engagement and so many more of the culture problems that a workplace can experience.

• Do your employees feel care, support and safety in their workplace?
• Are they struggling with abuse at home destroying their self-esteem and self-worth?
• Are you condoning workplace bullying, abusive behaviour and allowing a psychologically unsafe workplace to continue to fester?

How do you know your answer to those questions?

Get help

Once again whether you are abusing others or being abused there is help available. Interact Support has services available nationally www.interact.support and there will be local services available near you.