Are You Ever Scared?

“Are you ever scared?”

The person said I had a look of confidence, and it seemed to them that nothing made me afraid.

Oh, no. Time to be vulnerable again and tell the truth.

I thought to myself, “If you don’t know what you are doing, at least you can look good in the outfit.” Jan once said this to me.

Of course you have heard, “Fake it until you make it.”

To the young person who asked me about fear and being scared, I responded:

“Well in fact, I am always scared. That is why I get up and I get things done. Instead of letting it incapacitate me, as it did many times when I was young, it now serves as a catalyst for helping me face my fears, by just jumping into the vortex of uncertainty and possible failure - and trying my very best.”

In my New York grade school, 2nd grade, I won a pet chick in a raffle. He was a delightful little yellow bird, who ran around the kitchen in little wooden block houses we created. A few times, he got bonked on the head by blocks, but he would scurry around to our delight. In hindsight, he should have had some protective equipment, maybe a small helmet.

Having a pet chick in an urban setting was probably not the best idea. His demise came when myself or a member of my family turned the heat lamp on the aquarium tank (without the water in it) a little too high. We fried the poor little guy we had named “Nick the Chick.” We were just trying to keep him warm at night. We had a burial service in the backyard for the poor chap.

For a little while, after that, I was afraid to even have a pet fish. Now, I am a proud pet dog owner and do a fine job of creating a good quality of life for our four legged friend in our home, but for a while I was nervous of accidentally or carelessly hurting another living being.

As a child I failed at skating backward on ice and kept running into the boards, embarrassing myself. It made me apprehensive to skate around others. Maybe going forward is better anyway, I thought to myself, but I still persisted, never fully mastering going in reverse. Yet running into hard surfaces became less in frequency than when I started.

Continuing with the skating theme, this time with wheels, I scuffed myself up too many times to count, because I could never stop going forward rollerblading, utilizing the brakes to not hurt or endanger myself or others. I often skated until my wheels slowed and I could catch a tree.

One time, I went to Saints West with the awesome music blasting. I felt that I was in my element.

“It’s time for the Snowball!” the announcer said.

Here, you ask a young lady to skate with you. Someone has to go forward and the other backward, doing a couples’ skate. Of course I confidently wanted to go forward only to find during a turn that our skates interlocked, we fell in unison, and my partner hit her head on the rink floor. The siren went off, all paused with all eyes zeroed in on us. Gratefully, she was okay. I was worried.

She didn’t ever skate with me again. Can you blame her? My fear for doing couple skating persisted for a while until I faced it, and realized that accidents can happen.

I also dated enough later on to know rejection, and eventually realized that many things you wanted were just not going to happen. A feeling of fright can arise in your heart, in trying to ask someone out, when you continually experienced, “No, thanks,” or you got that look from a woman to take a walk - and “Don’t even ask.”

And, fast forward to the present - I was afraid to be a teacher. I still am.

It has much responsibility, and I often feel like I will come up short and ruin someone’s life by not meeting their needs as a learner, or I will miss a social cue to help them, or I didn’t respond when I was supposed to and left someone out.

This doesn’t scratch the surface for the more compelling need to be a content expert and make sure we as teachers meet standards - to send people out into the world flying forward in successful endeavors. I have such distress in not meeting expectations.

My unease has been compounded by having seen so many wonderful and horrific things that can happen to the human species and not having true control over what could happen to the living breathing human in my care or presence.

All that being said, I have grown to see that by facing issues, you eventually get through them or you just have to - let go. Sometimes things take care of themselves.

And , I am worried that all this stuff that I just wrote may be just wrong or misconstrued. So I am scared about that too.

“You look confident, yet not cocky.” The young person said to me.

Yet, “I can still be scared.” I said.

“Does that help?” I inquired.

I studied their face, and they looked a little amused. I think they were still processing what happened to the pet chick, and if I am a credible source for anything - at this point.

“Yes, thank you.”

By getting up, facing what is next in your path for the day, believing you have a purpose, you find out what you are made of - and what God intends you to do.

I have learned to be gentle with people that you meet. We do not know their internal struggles.

I also think and feel that our own internal fears can possibly serve as an excellent catalyst for making positive change in the world - when we have the courage to face them.

And, try not to be afraid like me.