Are you even listening?: How attention (or lack of) alters relationships

The other day, my 12-year-old stopped me in my tracks and said, “Mom, I’m talking to you, and it doesn’t look like you’re listening.” Children are never hesitant to point out the truth, and this time I’m grateful for the expressed observation. I want to give everyone my full attention, especially those I care about most.

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It’s so easy to be distracted. Our phones may be the most obvious distraction we have, but there are so many others. In the situation with my daughter, I was unloading the dishwasher and sharing whatever interruptions came to mind. She was full of stories about her day (something that doesn’t happen often) and shame on me for not being attentive to her in the moment where she was full of something to say. My inattentiveness led to a fracture in trust which I had to rebuild so that she would finish the tales of her middle school day.

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The irony is that I ask my kids for their attention all the time - I demand it. Yet, I wasn’t willing to give it. I couldn’t model what I expected from them. I hope my example is an exception and not the norm, though it makes me want to work harder in this area for them, for my friends and family and for my team.

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Michael Allosso, a regular speaker in the Vistage network, says that “presence isn’t about being interesting; it’s about being interested.” What micro-messages do we send when we aren’t interested in someone else’s story or comments? What happens when we approach every conversation self-absorbed and ready to “win?” It’s not about winning. It’s about understanding.

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Understanding requires a couple of basic elements. First, awareness of one’s energy is critical. At work, I call it a “weather pattern.” What is the weather pattern with which we are coming into the conversation? The energy we bring to any interaction will certainly create a response (or lack thereof) in the other person. As Allosso describes it, we deliver performances each day. Our work might be Act #1 and going home to our families might be Act #2, for example. How do we show up with our best performance in each of those acts? How do we attempt to harness our best energy for each act?

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Secondly, demonstrating values in interactions is important. It used to be that command-and-control parenting and simple confidence in leadership for executives would drive their presence. Now, those are outdated and unappealing versions of presence. Being present means having empathy and attempting to be truly connected to the person with whom one is interacting.

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In Oprah’s words, “Great communication begins with connection. What makes us different from one another is so much less important than what makes us alike - we all long for acceptance and significance. When we recognize those needs in ourselves, we can better understand them in others, and that's when we can set aside our judgments and just hear."

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Michael Anderson, in the book Leadership 2.0, says, “If you want a culture of high-performance, trust, and respect, you have to become extremely aware of everything you do as a leader.” And a parent. And a partner. And a friend. It’s all important in every single interaction.

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So, I commit to starting with awareness of my own “weather pattern” at work, at home and in everything I do so that I can build trust and give and receive respect among others. And I commit to really listening to the tales of my middle schooler so that she can learn, in her own way, how to also become a better listener and how to remain present in the moment.