ARE YOU DREADING THANKSGIVING WITH THE FAMILY?

Many of us have love-hate relationships with relatives.? We appreciate the family bond, but we find ourselves dreading one more holiday meal where everyone shows up as themselves. In families, we develop images of each other that are slow to change: My older sister is always bossy . . . My dad is always giving me a hard time . . . My husband never notices anything . . .

This is what we call the “You Always / You Never” trap. Our experiences with our family members start so early in life that our expectations about relationships become deeply imprinted, and anything that happens, no matter how subtle, often gets pressed into that old imprint. As we grow and change throughout our lives, so do our family members. But we may not see it. The challenge is to look beyond our old images to notice when change happens.

My dad actually called me today—he always expects me to be the one to reach out, that’s a big step for him.

My daughter helped her brother with his homework tonight. I wouldn’t have expected that, I’ll make sure to thank her.

My mother-in-law hasn’t always been there for me, but she came through when my child was sick recently. It seems like she’s trying, and that’s important.

One of my Zen teachers offered a meditation instruction that’s useful in enhancing our ability to notice and pay attention to the world, and this simple technique is equally useful when we interact with our families. It is to ask ourselves the question: What’s here that I’ve never noticed before?

It can be asked about a relationship just as easily as it can be asked about the world around us. What is there about my relationship with this person that I’ve never noticed before? What have I been missing?

When you go to Thanksgiving dinner and have to sit next to your brother-in-law who constantly insists that everyone should learn to windsurf, or you find yourself cornered by an aunt who wants to talk only about her Labrador Retrievers, try making that question your mantra, at least for the first few minutes (a person can only do so much). What is there about this person that I’ve never noticed before? You might be surprised by what you discover. And if you notice something new, be curious about it.? People love to feel that you’re really paying attention to them.

One thing we can be sure of—nobody we encounter in life can ever be fully known. There is always more to discover. Making those discoveries, and taking them to heart, can sometimes correct biases that have been stifling our relationships with the people we’ve known the longest—our families.

WHY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORTH THE TROUBLE

Sometimes it seems like our families are more permanent than they are; we think our families will always be with us and will always be the way they are now. But as each family member passes into new life stages, the roles we play shift, and it’s often when those shifts happen without our noticing that family problems begin to develop. Adolescents don’t need the same attentiveness they required at age two. Parents or grandparents need more help in their 80s than in their 60s. New mothers may need a family member’s help, but not their advice. Sometimes we may need to ask ourselves: What’s an appropriate role for me to play with this person at this stage of our family life?

Each of us has different knowledge, abilities, and sets of experiences, and these different forms of family “wealth” can be drawn upon when changes occur. A brother who overcame bullying as a child may be able to help your young son who’s experiencing the same thing. But to take advantage of these forms of wealth, we have to stay in touch with each other. And we may need to ask for that help, to ask for a change in roles.

In addition to new challenges caused by shifting roles, families can drift apart as time passes, for reasons both big and small. Even a small disagreement can lead to neglect that then leads to the end of an important family relationship. When one family member moves away, the inconvenience of visits can mean that the entire family rarely gets together.

Keeping connections going takes effort. If the reason for disconnection is not geographic, but emotional, then maintaining connection might mean developing a willingness to face feelings of guilt, sadness, or resentment.

The complex emotional lattice of every family is unique, and our families affect us in ways that other relationships do not. Families share history, experience, and blood as no other relationships can. We can’t replace a person we’ve known for our entire lives. More importantly, we can’t replace a person who’s known us for our entire lives. Nurturing and enriching these relationships despite challenges, persevering, and appreciating the positive things we get from them is worth the trouble. I think of a moment when, as a young man, I was going through a time in which I was incredibly angry at my parents, and an uncle took me aside. I know you’re mad, my uncle said. But just remember: nobody is ever going to care about you this much ever again.

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