You Don't Seem Like Yourself Today

Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself today.

Are you tired? Is something wrong? Do you need a granola bar? The version of you I usually encounter at work seems to be missing, so I'm concerned, because usually you're so agreeable and pliant and easy to work with.

You seemed distant on that Zoom meeting. Was it something I said? Or something Barbara, the client, said? She can be overly blunt sometimes. Is that why you went camera off? Seriously, I have an extra granola bar if you need it.

I'm worried. This behavior is so unlike the way I've subtly trained you to act over the years. I like the version of you that likes all my ideas and has no opinions of your own, because it makes me feel validated and higher status. Usually when I suggest a lunch place you say "SOUNDS GREAT BEV! WHATEVER YOU WANT BEV!" but today you said "Honestly, I don't feel like a salad" so now I'm questioning if I even like you anymore.

Could you maybe...perk up? Go back to being the way I like you? Here, I'm putting a granola bar on your track pad. Just open your fingers and then grasp it and unwrap it and bring it your mouth and open your mouth and put it inside a little and then bite down. It's easy. Just do it, so you go back to being the old friction-less you and I don't have to consider you as a full human being.

Please eat the granola bar. This new version of you that speaks their mind and sets boundaries is frustrating and hard to understand. Like, what do you mean you "can't work on that proposal over the weekend?" I had to type that phrase into Google translate because I've never heard it before in this office and I thought you were speaking in tongues.

Look, I get it. Work can be rough! But we all have an obligation to be the best version of ourselves, which is the version that everyone else at work who holds power wants us to be. It's called conforming, complying, being a "team player," synergy, North American business 101. I used to make stained glass art but now I say things like "I can't believe it's only Wednesday" and "Just waiting on a few more folks to join and then we'll get started." The colorful part of me had to die so I could get invited to manager meetings and 42 followers on LinkedIn.

No, no, no. See, that's where you're wrong. This emotionally honest and transparent and complicated version of you is NOT the real you. You may think it is but I know you better than you do. You're actually the fake you, the mask you put on, that I got comfortable with over the years. So take this fucking granola bar and eat it and get your blood sugar back on track and go back to responding to my 11pm emails at 11:01pm with "Got it! Thanks Bev! :)"

What more do you want from me? An acknowledgement that you're a whole person and not just a lever I pull? I don't know how to do that, I'm sorry.

You're not yourself today. I need you to fix that and then circle back with Allison when you're ready to go get my preferred lunch salad. Also, please stop wearing self-expressive clothing and maybe buy something with pleats from Kohl's. You're easier to process when you're in neutral tones.

Seriously, are you okay? Where's the old you? I want that You back. I need that You back.

Because I liked it when there was less of you here.