You don't need to choose between yourself and connection with others

We are so educated to think in dichotomies—us vs. them, success vs. failure, work vs. life, and most relevant here, self vs. connection. These binary ways of thinking often leave us feeling like we must choose between two equally vital aspects of our lives. Do we protect ourselves and maintain our boundaries, or do we connect deeply with others? It’s an all-too-familiar narrative, one that suggests we must sacrifice one to have the other. But what if this is a false choice? What if, rather than choosing, we could thrive by embracing both?

Moving Beyond Dichotomies: A Philosophical Shift

Philosophically, we have become so accustomed to the idea of "either/or" that we often forget the possibility of "both/and." Ancient thinkers like Plato and Aristotle wrestled with the notion of balance, but over time, Western thought has veered toward more rigid categorisations. As society became more specialised, so too did our thinking.

We see this clearly in the tension between self and connection. We're often led to believe that if we are to be true to ourselves, we must build walls around our boundaries, protecting our identity at all costs. Conversely, we're told that in order to have meaningful relationships, we must open ourselves up fully and be willing to compromise our needs. This dichotomy, however, is an illusion.

Philosophers of later times, especially in existentialism, remind us that we can hold both our individuality and our relationships with others without contradiction. The "self" is not some isolated, fixed entity. It is something that evolves and grows, especially through interaction with others. Likewise, connection doesn’t require the erosion of our personal boundaries but can, in fact, deepen them.

The Psychological Perspective: Integrating Self and Connection

From a psychological standpoint, this dichotomy is also misleading. Psychologists have long studied the importance of boundaries and self-esteem, as well as the deep human need for connection. The truth is that we are not wired to function in absolutes; we need both autonomy and social interaction to thrive. When we set healthy boundaries, we are better equipped to engage in meaningful relationships. When we foster connection, we build self-esteem through shared experiences and a sense of belonging.

The modern psychological perspective encourages us to move beyond this "either/or" thinking. Instead, we should see the self and connection as parts of a continuum. Boundaries aren't barriers; they're frameworks that allow us to show up as our full selves in relationships. Similarly, connection doesn’t have to mean losing ourselves—it can mean finding deeper parts of ourselves through others.

What Happens When We Fall Into Dichotomous Thinking?

If we fall into this dichotomous mindset, the results can be damaging. When we focus exclusively on self-preservation, we isolate ourselves, mistaking independence for strength. Over time, this isolation chips away at our emotional well-being, leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected. On the other hand, if we over-prioritise connection at the expense of our selfhood, we can lose our sense of identity and self-worth. We may begin to feel resentful or burnt out because we’ve given too much of ourselves away.

Neither extreme allows us to live fully. In reality, a fulfilling life is not found in choosing one path over the other but in navigating both simultaneously.

Progressing with Both: A New Paradigm

So, how do we progress with both? How do we embrace the richness of both self and connection? It starts with rejecting the false dichotomy that we must choose. We can be individuals with clear boundaries and self-respect, while also being deeply connected to others. In fact, the two often reinforce each other.

Philosophically, this calls for a paradigm shift. We must begin to see balance not as compromise but as harmony. It is not a question of "either/or," but of embracing the "both/and."

Psychologically, this means practicing boundary-setting in a way that enhances rather than hinders our connections. It means understanding that protecting our emotional space allows us to show up more fully and authentically in relationships. Likewise, building meaningful connections with others nurtures our self-esteem, creating a feedback loop of personal growth and deeper relationships.

The Impact of Integration

When we integrate both self and connection, we unlock a new level of fulfilment. The psychological benefits are profound: higher self-esteem, greater resilience, and deeper emotional intelligence. Relationships flourish when they are built on a foundation of mutual respect and individual authenticity.

Conversely, failing to recognize that we can have both leaves us trapped in a cycle of discontent. Whether through isolation or self-sacrifice, we lose out on the richness that comes from embracing both dimensions of human experience.

The Path Forward: Breaking Free from the Dichotomy

The path forward is one of integration, not separation. Let go of the notion that you must choose between yourself and others. Instead, focus on cultivating a life where selfhood and connection are intertwined. Boundaries, when set with care, do not shut people out; they allow you to engage more fully. Connection, when built on mutual respect, does not erode your identity but enriches it.

By breaking free from dichotomous thinking, we open ourselves to a fuller, more authentic experience of life. We learn that being ourselves and connecting with others are not mutually exclusive but rather two sides of the same coin. And in that realization, we find the freedom to grow, both as individuals and as members of a greater community.

After all, true progress comes not from choosing one over the other but from realizing that the path to fulfilment lies in embracing both.

Best Regards,

Ligia Koijen