You Don't Need a Partner to Be Happy!

A woman in her thirties could be happily single.

She’d been on her own for a while; while she liked the idea of being in a relationship she had a full and exciting life without one.

But she can be worried about the future. “Everything I’ve read says people — relationships — are the key to happiness. Does that mean if I don’t find a partner, have a family of my own, I’ll never be happy?”

It was an interesting point. Many studies link good relationships with life satisfaction and society hard-sells the idea being with someone is the ideal state. And — also — that being alone is not.

But the key word is “good”. Because while satisfying relationships can add to our lives, unhappy ones can take us direct the other way — into chaotic, toxic, hurtful, damaging and just plain miserable, or lonely, states.

So it’s important not to glorify being in a relationship over singledom, and to know there is more than one way to create a fulfilling life.

Here are some things to think about.

1. Love can be found everywhere.

Great relationships — love — doesn’t have to come in a package labelled “partner”. Nor does it have to last 50 years to contribute hugely to our lives. Rich connections can be found, and built, in wider families, with kids (our own or others), in lasting friendships, in communities and all manner of groups.

The Harvard 75 Year study of Adult Development most often quoted says good relationships have a powerful influence on our health and happiness. Notably, too, it goes way beyond partnerships to stress the importance of embracing community and all positive social connection. So everything counts.

But it doesn’t unpack the psychological outcomes when the relationship is toxic (such as the ability to function, love and the erosion of self worth and mental health). It pays to think about that, sometimes.

2. Not all relationships are created equal.

Far, far from it. They’re almost never what many couples — or Instagram — would have us believe. Yes, some couples manage to make their relationship work well over time and they genuinely bring out the best in each other. But all relationships have ups and downs, flat and boring patches, stressors and challenges. None of us really know what other couples are going through behind their front doors.

Many people are trapped in unhealthy relationships that they can’t or don’t leave. Some stay for financial, family or other reasons. Some are just scared to be on their own. To be unafraid to be single (and free) — to embrace and enjoy it — is a master skill.

3. Relationships don’t spare you loneliness.

Singles often say they envy couples because they don’t experience loneliness; they have someone right there to “do” the weekend with, they have someone who’ll cosy up on the couch and massage their feet.

But the truth is being with someone else doesn’t spare you from the pain of loneliness. Loneliness within relationship is extremely common. Many couples grow distant with time and stress — the arrival of kids, financial and work pressures, mental or physical illness, addiction problems, changes in intimacy, inability to share feelings, emotional abuse — and so many variations on those themes.

Whatever your situation, loneliness is difficult and, left unchecked, can lead to deeper issues. So it’s important to acknowledge it and develop strategies to help.

4. Relationships can hold you back.

Every therapist has heard a raft of stories — of sadness and regret — from people who’ve stayed too long in damaging relationships or who’ve missed out on opportunities because of their obligations to their partners and family. Too many people to count report growing apart from their partners, that there are many other things they would have liked to do with their lives, but their relationship choices snuffed out their dreams.

In healthy relationships each partner supports the other’s plans and dreams and who they want to become. But that’s the ideal — and, when you have two sets of dreams on the table, it’s not always easy to achieve.

5. There are many ways to live a great life.

Traditional models of relationships and family are no longer held up as gold standard — creating a mum-dad-and-the-kids scenario is great if that’s what you aspire to (and you have the opportunity to do so), but there’s now so much more room for people to create their own versions of what makes a “family”, how to feel love and how they want to live. That’s healthy — and also very freeing.

Life doesn’t always take you where you thought it would — in fact, it almost always doesn’t. While taking a non-traditional or different path can take some adjustment (not just for you but for others), it can bring unexpected rewards. In the self-help world there’s a lot written about grabbing your opportunities, taking personal responsibility and chasing the life you want. But life doesn’t make it that easy. Oh no. It’s way more complex than that. The key is to take and unwrap the Life Package that‘s been assigned to you — and do your very best with it.

Maybe we're all just different people with different priorities. Maybe whether or not a relationship is fulfilling to you has something to do with your needs and wants at a particular moment of your life. If I have to venture a guess, I'd say that there's probably a 50/50 split among women when it comes to those who feel they need a relationship to have a full life, and those who don't feel they need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled.