You don't need to hit rock bottom

When it comes to mental health, there is one area where I have a heck of a lot of expertise, and that’s myself. Everything else is just a surface I have scratched. I value being able to approach myself, and my own mind, with a beginner's mind. It’s something we are all an expert in as long as we are willing to open up the pages, read and ask the scary questions.

My internal belief is that it is my life's impetus to look inward, and share that growth outward. When I focus on growing in small increments, and these moments of introspection, in time, the fruits of that labor will be beautiful. This provides me hope. And so, each morning, I sit down with my Fuji pen, pour over coffee, and chill music to explore myself.

How am I showing up today?

How am I feeling today?

Where can I grow today?

What are the things I am grateful for?

Am I getting closer to the person I long to be?

When I sit down to write, I often think about the quote from Haruki Murakami, “whatever it is you are seeking, won’t come in the form you are expecting.”

The words remind me that if I keep showing up, something beautiful will come. This, and that I cannot control the fruits of that labor. It is a reminder that it is not that destination which matters. It is the showing up that matters, and the becoming. So in turn I have adopted the mantra show up and keep going. It allows me to at least put myself in the arena, and be there for the moments that matter, even if I am not 100% ready for those moments.

And so, like a wood-smith, I have whittled away for the last decade of my life. Moments of progress, and more often, setbacks. It so often feels meaningless and redundant. Yet, it is always with time, that meaningful expansion surfaces itself.?

I have learned that I seek, and value, living on the razors edge. I want everything out of life, physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise. For the longest time, I felt uncomfortable writing that, or speaking into the universe. But, I hope that for those who see the way I move through the world, that it is representative of these values. I am willing to work for it. I am willing to sacrifice anything but my values to see this through.

Yet, the challenge of living at the polarities, is the great undulation of emotion. In a lot of moments, this is challenging to sit with, and definitively scary to explore.

There are a lot of what ifs and unknowns.

So for a long time, instead of exploring those, I have chosen to escape. That escape is a needle that has threaded alongside my own personal growth, and focused expansion of myself. It is a path that has bridled my internal fears of truly becoming, and every day, truly failing. I have lacked the courage, and instead have chosen to hide from my emotions, and lived experiences.

As Holly Whitaker says, things that we don’t solve, will continue to haunt us.

Haunt, they have. The challenge is that this is a relationship that I have carried since I was fourteen years old. It was when I first felt the incredible release of a mental escape. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. It is hard to forget. In retrospect, it was a moment that encompassed my first escape. It was the first time I got high.

Substances, for those with complex minds, are a very helpful tool. At least in the short term. In the short term, they serve their purpose. They act as an elixir for the build up of stress, and magnify momentary escapes from our realities.

As I grew out my adolescent relationship with substances, I grew into a more acceptable adult relationship with alcohol. We live in a world, and a country, that is built around alcohol. I got in trouble for drinking in college, and when I was first getting my job at PwC, HR called to ask me about it. She apologized, because it was a formality, and the next day I was at happy hour with her.

Over the past five years, I have fought, and fought with my internal self, and dialogue. I was haunted by the shame and fear of what I was not able to solve, and had a fear of the emotions that a sober mind presents you with. Our culture is catalyzing. Whether it is a work event, social gathering, or family dinner, we are encumbered by the ever present opportunity to do just that, escape. Yet, I longed, and long, to be present. Every time I drove home, or reflected in the morning, I longed to present. It is something that I have sought for many years of my life.

For someone like me, it’s scary as fucking hell. Substances, and now alcohol, were, and are interconnected to my personal and social identity. It has been a vehicle for the management of my emotions, easing off the gas after a long day, and for sifting through difficult challenges. I felt incredibly scared to write and share this. My natural thought was well, what if I drop the ball here, or people think I have a problem, or what if I am labeled a certain way. There are a certainly a lot of labels in our society for people who have the courage to forge their own way.

So, when I sat down to plan my personal goals for this year, at the top of my list read, stop drinking alcohol. It then became my second quarter goal, and then my third quarter goal. It likely comes as no surprise, but this isn’t the first year that exploring a life of sobriety sat at the top of my list. I have gone a month, here and there, but always slid back into the fly trap. I am quite sure, and know through conversations with others, that I am alone in this, or my desires.

The interesting thing is that my longing for sobriety has never been wrapped within, or about my relationship with alcohol. I am quite confident, and sure that this relationship is manageable, like most. Yet, let’s be clear that alcohol-use disorder is a spectrum which almost all who drink exist on. It is also, a slippery slope that has a tendency to move in a linear path upward over time.

For me, there were whiskey nights. There were beers at the mountain. There were breweries. There were wineries. There were trips abroad. There were a lot of parties. There were weddings. There were happy hours. There were airplane drinks. There were nights in with my love.

For me, there was no, oh shit, I have a problem. There was no rock bottom. There was no, you should reassess this moment. Well, maybe a few, but who hasn't. It was a slow, extended culmination of commonly-accepted, and socially-driven moments.

For me, no, it has never been not about the alcohol, or for that matter, drugs, in the past. It is not about moderation, or cessation either. I like alcohol for the same reason that I loved doing every other substance in my adolescence. It is that now alcohol happens to be more acceptable. And in certain circles, rather sophisticated.

For me, it is about having the courage to exist in all moments of my life, and show up always for the people I care about. And man, I am really fucking tired of not being courageous. I am ready to give all of the energy within myself to the values I have chosen, and have claimed for years, to align myself against.

And so this year, like many years past, I set a goal for myself. But the difference being, this year, life has pushed my back against the wall. I am challenged to grow, to expand. Or retract, if I choose. I am seeing what the fruits of the introspective labor holds, and I am given a decision.

Do I go all in? Or, do I choose to let a shadow that has followed me for years, hold space in my mind.

This is a decision, and a path, to finding out what truly becoming looks like. And more importantly, what truly failing might really look, and feel like. That's pretty scary.

There is something different about this year, though. This year,? unlike others, I have read, and listened to every book on what living sober looks, and feels like. I have educated myself on the societal constructs. I have learned about the physical, and long-term impacts. I have read Alan Carr. I have listened to Annie Grace. I laughed, and related to Holly Whitaker. I was inspired by Glennon Doyle. The difference this year is that now I truly know, and when you know, you cannot un-know. And at that point, you have the choice to expand, or live within your own shadow of self-doubt and discomfort.

And so this year, unlike any other, I am ready, and 45 days into a life of spontaneous, chosen sobriety. I am learning to awkwardly, and uncomfortably, as I naturally am, navigate this new ground. Success is now not about not slipping up, or not having a drink, it is about the long-term decision to align my identity, values, and self against the now, and no longer fearing the version of myself I am supposed to become.