You don't love me!
Nicky Elliot
I help women lead THEIR way! Leadership Development. Women’s Empowerment. Action focussed life & career coaching.
Sheesh, yesterday was a tricky day in our house.
Dog with an upset stomach.
Eldest son with a badly injured ankle from football, can hardly walk.
Youngest son home from football training, exhausted and emotional.
Out it all came!
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This sensitive child, clearly troubled by all the disruption to his sense of normal, kicking out at his Mum and making himself more and more upset in the process.
Is any of the above true?
Of course not.
Does he believe it in that moment?
Sadly, yes he does.
Do I find that very difficult as a Mum?
Definitely.
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This boy is the apple of my eye. The first statement could not be less true – my heart and stomach ache at the thought he may believe that, even for a minute.
Have we been busy cleaning up dog expulsions from both ends? Did someone else have to take him to football because of everything else going on?
Yes to both.
And he’s tired, worried about his brother and doggy sister and he wants some reassurance from me.
We all know they tend to ask for attention in the worst possible ways – and to be honest, at the worse possible moments when trying to get the dog outside as something is beginning to leave her body… Argh!
This is not a post about how I perfectly met his needs, how I put down all other priorities and curled him into my lap. I didn’t, actually, in that moment.
Life happens. We can’t always drop everything immediately, even though some people like to make out that they are perfect parents for social media.
Not me. Never!
I advocate strongly for REAL parenting. A balance between meeting their needs as a priority and ensuring we are well enough to continue to do so, and getting stuff (like a defecating dog taken outside) done.
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I also advocate for truth telling. Competitive school gates parenting turns me cold – and a little hot under the collar. It’s not real, its not fair and it isn’t helpful.
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What is helpful, is doing enough work on yourself to know your triggers and understand your child better. The best way, in my opinion, is through your own inner child work. By understanding your own inner child, you suddenly make sense of those things that bug you, upset you and make you feel scared – and you learn how to soothe those things for yourself.
For me, through no fault of my parents, it was about belonging. And how many times has that fear of not belonging led me to people please, to over-work and over-achieve – anything to feel good enough.
When you know, you can let go of some of the patterns, because frankly you aren’t 7 anymore and you know how to make yourself feel safe as an adult.
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And, the best thing to come of this work is to see so very clearly the fears and vulnerabilities underlying my children’s behaviour and be able to meet them with compassion and reassurance, but not perfection. To be the parent our inner child needs.
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Very rarely, as adults, do we get to be that in touch with our child’s perspective. When you do your own inner child work, you suddenly get it and you know what to do to help your own child.
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And, the absolute beauty is, we get to think about their need for us to lie with them until they fall asleep as a PRIVILEDGE. We get to feel proud of the parent we are being, because we know the impact it has. We get to be all that they need, just by being there and being present as ourselves.
Not, I HAD TO LIE WITH HIM.
I GOT TO LIE WITH HIM.
And, I GOT TO BE ENOUGH, just as I am.
How affirming is that for the parent and how life changing for the child to feel completely safe and understood.
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Our own personal development truly is the greatest gift to the people we love. So, next time you hesitate to spend money on yourself, remember its so much bigger than that. It’s about how you show up differently as a result and what you role model to them by doing so.
If you want to find out how developing yourself and understanding your inner child can help you be a better parent, better leader and better person - book my free TAKE CHARGE call today and I can show you the way's I have found that work.