If You Don't Like the Show - Change the Channel

Preface:

I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago and have been reflecting on it since then. Today I had an epiphany. I realized that while the previous me would've been MORTIFIED by my outburst and what I am about to share with you, . However the current me feels empowered, even LIBERATED and for that I thank my colleagues for being there, and you for reading.

I’ll be returning to the theme of courage, vulnerability, and imposter syndrome in future blogs. But for now, take what you will from what follows. Life is short, and as I now realize, it, and I, can be superb.

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When I looked at the clock, it was 8am and I had been crying off and on for an hour. This time it wasn't James Blunt's fault. I’d spent the last hour with colleagues sharing my story of how I got to where I am today. Those of you who know me will realize that talking about myself is not my forte. Those of you who don’t, just trust me, talking about myself is not my forte. For those 60 minutes, however, I surprised myself (and my colleagues). This was me. All of me. OK most of me. Some of me.

It wasn't how I had planned to spend my morning. I'd been procrastinating on the conversation that triggered my reactions... after all, my story was boring. What did I have to share? As it turns out, quite a bit.

The Imposter Within

A little context. My life is fine, my life is good. I could've continued on the path I’d forged for myself and left this earth, sometime in the future, content. Everything was OK. I am successful, I have three wonderful sons all on the cusp of their own adult lives. I have moved around the world, launched my own business (that will be 14 years old next year), travelled, written two books (and collaborating with Eric and Ruby on a third). I am invited to speak at events nationally and internationally and to work with leaders and organizations around the world. I have met some really cool people and am honored to call many of them friends. My team and I are sought out for our expertise. Our opinion is valued, our impact global. By many measures my life is good. I am successful. Everything is great. 

Except I’ve been living a half-life.

For most of my 50+ years on this planet I have perfected a defensive wall between me and the outside world. One that protected me from sharing my thoughts and feelings. One that focused on you because in doing so I didn't need to look inward, at me. Let me tell you, that wall was pretty effective. I also have to tell you, that wall was perpetuating the half-life, connecting me to the outside life while neglecting me, my inner life, and keeping me from experiencing my whole-life.

I was just going through the motions.

I knew this mantle of (false) security was keeping me stuck, that I needed to dismantle the wall, but I didn't want to. It was scary. The idea that I would do what I coach others to do - to be vulnerable, to admit when I wasn't OK, terrified me. What if I didn’t like what I found? 

Years of carefully curated habits are hard to break.

It turns out that the wall can be breached with 13 gin & tonics, as Eric Spencer discovered during an early (blubbery) business trip 10 years ago. That’s when the cracks started to form. The wall was further breached three years ago when I decided to make changes in my personal life. And it turns out that the walls came tumbling down during a conversation with seven new MG100 colleagues at 7am on a Friday morning.

In the Land of Giants

Last year I was invited to join the Marshall Goldsmith 100 Coaches, an amazing group of corporate leaders, thought leaders, authors, speakers, and philanthropists. As I arrived at the first event in January 2020 and walked into the room, I was at once in awe and intimidated. I felt like an imposter. Who was I to be amongst these people? Little ol' me amidst these giants…. even if they were Big Friendly Giants.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been getting to know some of my new MG100 colleagues more deeply, listening as they shared their personal journeys, leadership highs and lows, dreams and aspirations. 

And then it was my turn to take the spotlight. Ugh!

I shared my story (well... edited highlights) and in doing so was reminded, again, of the impact that the death of my parents has had on me and the gap that has been left. My recollection of my childhood is a happy one, but at the same time one where we never spoke about the tough topics; mum’s cancer and the impact this had on all of us being front and center (and what triggered tears). We soldiered through. We never spoke about it within the family. We presented the face that others expected to see. It was good. It was safe.

I went with the flow (I couldn't stop the flow.. so many tissues for these issues). Clearly it had left both an emotional scar and void in me that I have been papering over. At the end my colleagues, my new found friends, paused and shared their observations and questions. It was powerful, it was supportive, it was what I needed.

Then Curtis asked me...

Which Emotion are You Most Comfortable With?

Being British my first thought was 'sarcasm'... however, this question left me pondering. I’d spent so many years hiding from my emotions that I honestly didn't have an immediate answer. And then it came to me - that's the point... deflection is my core emotion (and if you don't believe it's an emotion - well it is now).

It's one of the things that makes me a great coach and leadership facilitator - I am focused on you, your challenges, your needs. Ask me a question and I can turn it back to you, start a conversation, and you’ll find yourself sharing all sorts of things and talking about you. Don't make me talk about me! It’s why I had avoided volunteering for my turn to tell my story until I could no longer hide. Why I was lying in bed that morning trying to find a last minute reason to bail. 

Turns out it's both my superpower and kryptonite.

Why do I deflect? Because I am afraid. Afraid of rejection. Of being judged by others - by you, by ME. Of being found wanting, less than, an imposter. I am afraid of being seen as a failure. I have often joked with others how “I like risk until it gets risky”, yet another symptom of my fear of being judged, making a mistake, of failing. It’s interesting to me how these strands and themes came together for me during and after really sharing my story. 

The universe has a funny sense of humor. In addition to Curtis’ powerful question, another 1-2 came my way that day. First an email from Howard before I was even out of bed to let me know he was looking forward to hearing my story, along with a meme about listening to music to bring joy. For a moment I stopped angsting about what I was going to say and cranked up Pharrell William's ‘Happy’ and danced most of my fears away. And then came the 2nd whammy. After sharing my story, Beth shared how when she first met me back in January her thoughts were around how MY success seemed so much more than hers. What?!? It turns out we all have a little imposter inside us, and the truth is we all have a story to share, we all have a story worth listening to, we all have a story that we can learn from.

It turns out we all believe we are imposters, and the truth is we all have a story to share, we all have a story worth listening to, we all have a story that we can learn from.

We need to stop hiding. Stand tall. Own it. I need to stop hiding. Stand tall. Own my story.

Taking the Box Down

It's time for me to take that box of emotions down off the shelf. No longer will I look at it from the outside, occasionally peeking into it and slamming it shut when things get overwhelming.

I'm starting to embrace the emotional me. After I made the changes in my personal life (the universe gave me a huge nudge and laughed then too... a story worth hearing over cocktails sometime) and as the months ticked by people would ask me, 'How's it going with Jeff?' That question always befuddled me. It didn't compute, I really didn't understand what the question meant or how to answer it. Today, with the emotional box opened I know the answer. It is AMAZING. It is FABULOUS. I am HAPPY. That's not to say I didn't experience these emotions before. I did, but now they come with way more unicorn sparkles and glitter. I’m finally all in, no half-life.

I am not just taking the box down, I am knocking it to the floor and leaving it open. I am, all at once, terrified. Excited. Nervous. Exhilarated. And a million other words and emotions.

This morning's conversation reminded me of this quote from C.S. Lewis:

“You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C.S. Lewis

I have no regrets about my past. Every experience (well-lived or half-lived) has led me to this point. However I am choosing a different ending to my story, one that will go beyond 'fine' and may reach the adjective of choice from my dad - 'superb'.

Final Thoughts

Life is the greatest show we get to star in (love that movie, and Hugh Jackman). It's worth embracing to its fullest, especially in the toughest of years like 2020. For me that means embracing all of the whirlpool of emotions that are available. 'Fine' will no longer be my barometer.

We all have the power to experience life in full technicolor, to step into the ring and be true to ourselves. Which emotion are you most comfortable with? If you don't like the show, your show, then YOU can change the channel.

I am still afraid. I will always be afraid. From now on I am stepping into my truth. I am enough. I have always been enough. And in being me, I can be more. This is me.