You don't know who you're competing against (pt. 2)

...if you didn't catch part 1, I've posted a link in the comments!

Let’s revisit Jane’s miraculous ascent, why you might be a little jealous, and the second aspect of the problem with your perception. We’ve already established that you probably spend a little too much time thinking about other people when evaluating a potential path to success. How does the way you think about yourself influence you? What does your ego have to say about where you are, and where you think you’d like to go? 

First of all, there’s been extensive writing and discussion recently on the Reticular Activating System, or RAS. I highly recommend checking out Dr. Joe Dispenza, Mel Robbins, Tony Robbins, or several Ted Talks on the subject, because there are people who have spent their entire careers studying it! In short, this neural network is responsible for (among other things), filtering & organizing the information that you receive and consciously process on a daily basis. 

When you buy a new car, what’s the first thing you notice on the drive home? If you’re like me, it’s all of your new vehicular brothers & sisters! Why does it suddenly seem like you’re driving the most popular car on the road? Turns out, owning something makes it more relevant to your life. These vehicles have always been on the road with you, but the RAS deemed them fluff & filtered them out. Why does this matter? Let’s explore.

Instead of buying that new car, have you ever researched vehicles for months leading up to a purchase? During this search, you identify one option that you’re leaning towards above all others. Great price, low mileage, same color as your first car, commercial with your favorite actor, and so on. Even without consciously making the decision to buy it, you imagine your life with the car. You think about shifting into reverse and backing out of a parking spot, not having to glance over your shoulder, because it’s got a rear-view camera. As you pull up to your house, you wave to your family standing in the driveway awaiting your return. You pick up your best friend and head to a concert by your favorite band. On the way, you call your brother on Bluetooth and find out he’s having another kid. 

Guess what? You’re going to start noticing these vehicles on the road with increased frequency as if you’ve actually purchased one! If you’ve ever deeply imagined how your life would change by acquiring something, you’ll know this serendipitous feeling. Suddenly, it seems like everywhere you turn, this car is driving by, or it’s parked near the entrance to the grocery store, or it’s featured in your favorite movie － it’s a sign! And you’ve got to have it.

You may have gathered that once again, you owe this sudden uptick in coincidence to your RAS, but how? Even before AI algorithms were wedging advertisements into every crevice of your digital life, your brain was working to confirm your reality by filtering out irrelevant information, and letting the meaningful in. Turns out, the RAS doesn’t know the difference between things you experience and things you imagine yourself to have experienced. There are two reasons I bring up this complex neuro system:

First, if you’re reading this book to improve your self or your life, you owe it to you to become as aware as you can of why you think and act and feel the way you do. The RAS is behind a lot of those patterns! Spend time meditating or simply becoming more aware of patterns in your reactions to situations. 

Why does criticism make you feel defensive? Why does the Holiday Season bring you joy or sadness? What triggers anxiety in your life? 

Most of us have a couple relationships onto which we unfairly project expectations based on past experiences: Spousal relationships as they relate (typically) to an opposite sex parent; & professional relationships as they relate to our earliest remembered structured experiences (often teachers, classmates). We often behave in these situations in a way that will produce expected outcomes. The roles we play, and the way we perceive the actions of our counterparts are all viewed through a 20-year old lens, clouded with heartbreak, achievement, loss, & adolescence. Even if that set of specs gave you 20/20 sophomore year, chances are your prescription has changed. 

How do you need to redefine the role(s) you play in your own life? What actions of those around you are you placing the most emphasis on when constructing a narrative about your relationships, career, fitness, goals, or dreams? Chances are, your past experiences have created a feedback loop in your RAS. If the details you unconsciously choose to notice on a daily basis reinforce your expectations, you will continue to experience the same self-fulfilling prophecy. Becoming aware of your patterns (especially negative patterns) is the first step. 

As it pertains directly to our current journey: What is it about Jane that made you think she didn’t deserve it. Chances are, it’s a patterned reaction to something that happened a long, long time ago in a land far away. Become aware, and break the cycle.

The second reason I bring up the RAS is to encourage you to explore visualization. You don’t need Ayahuasca and a 3 day retreat. Close your eyes for 30 seconds in the shower tomorrow morning, in your car after lunch, or in the dark before bed. Imagine, instead of a new car, a big promotion, the realization of a dream, the renovation and transformation of your detached garage into a pottery studio, seeing your single added to a Spotify playlist, doing a handstand on a beach. Keep your eyes closed. How do you feel? What have you created for yourself? What can you afford? Have you met someone and fallen in love? Have you repaired a strained relationship? Do you have energy and a reason to get out of bed that’s been missing? Good, now open your eyes. 

If you’ve imagined it deeply enough and in a meaningful and specific way, and you’re able to repeat this process at least a few times a week, you will slowly start to notice tiny signs that you’re moving in the right direction. Instead of noticing blue sedans on the highway, you’ll begin to notice fragments of evidence that you’re moving towards what you’ve visualized . The evidence, like the blue sedans, has always been there, but it didn’t fit the narrative your brain was invested in preserving. These tiny shreds of positivity and your imagination during visualization can create a feedback loop so strong that you’ll suddenly start seeing evidence all around you that you are becoming the person you want to be. 

Don’t be fooled. There’s still work to do. Stay on track!

Your past experiences shape the expectations and perceptions you project onto your daily life. They control the flow and filtration of information to your brain. It’s much easier to revert back to a familiar story － the feedback loop you spent 20 years creating － than it is to whittle it down and rebuild. The work will be uncomfortable and 100% worth it. When you think of Jane, you may choose to disqualify her success as the result of luck and indirect nepotism, or you may choose to be inspired by the story of striking while the iron was hot. The choice is yours, but remember these narratives only exist in your head, and the one you feed gets stronger, coloring the lens through which you view your entire life.

Let’s talk about the third reason you might be having a hard time with Jane’s success and how it might actually influence your own capability to take advantage of similar opportunities: Our old friend, your ego. Let’s examine three ways you might be creating barriers to your own success.

In Chapter 1, we addressed how your ego might keep you from taking a lower-paying or less glamorous job that afforded you the freedom to pursue a passion project on the side or more time with family. These types of ego-driven decisions are fairly easy to spot. When viewed from above, they are also generally at conflict with our big why. If your #1 priority is spending more time with your family, and you’re able to accomplish that, ignoring an opportunity out of pride is an oddly selfish move that’s ultimately self-defeating. Your biggest big why should be the driver of most of your decisions on a daily basis if you’re properly aligned.

Less obviously, on the path towards achieving your ultimate goal(s), you are often presented with opportunities that offer a less certain improvement of circumstance. Lateral career moves with a shorter commute may incrementally improve your life today but set your professional trajectory back 18 months. Waiting tables at lunch might allow you the cash flow and freedom to finish your degree. Renting an apartment on the edge of a bad area of town － or in it － might help you afford rent on a studio. On one hand these are calculated risks, but don’t fool yourself: How you define you creeps into the decision-making process, and your ego is leading that charge.

Have you ever stayed at a job (or in a relationship) too long, because leaving felt like failure? As if, walking away with unfinished business was akin to leaving a question blank on an open-book test － if you had 15 more minutes, you could have cracked the code! Have you ever turned down an invitation or interview because you felt the event or position was beneath you? Flip that upside down: Have you ever felt inadequate to accept an invitation? Have you ever accepted something you didn’t feel like you’d earned? Perhaps a job from a family member or a gift from an admirer? How worthy of great accomplishments and material possessions do you think you are? Your ego sets these boundaries.

What stories have you told yourself about competitors in your target industry? How did they amass their wealth or success? Have you verified these narratives? How sure are you that they wouldn’t be eager to help a fledgling like you dip a toe in the water? Who do you know who could offer insight, advice, an inside track, or an opportunity to get where you’re going － and why haven’t you asked for their help? You’re climbing a mountain with or without a sherpa, and no one outside of your head cares if you get to the top － even less so if you have help.  

Your ego draws thick boundaries around your definition of you. It determines what you’re too proud to do, and what you don’t believe you’re capable of. It tells some of us that losing alone is an honorable death, while limping across the finish line with the help of a friend is something to be ashamed of. It is inflexible. It lets jealousy concoct narratives about your competitors which denigrate their accomplishments and cast doubt on your ability to acheive similar results without a grand stroke of luck. It tells you to ignore that luck, because you haven’t earned it.

I say: No one will remember your journey but you. The longer it takes to climb the mountain, the less time you have to enjoy the view at the top. Accept charity. Ask for help. Define yourself by a set of actions, not a narrative. Do not be unkind, and be prepared to repay those you lean on tenfold or to the best of your ability. If your aim is true, and you focus on your goal, your self-image will be better served by accomplishing the things you aspire to than by clinging to an idea.

We began by discussing a fable. We learned why Jane’s exponential trajectory may have inspired envy and how to defeat it. We’ve determined that you need to rock the fragile ecosystem inside your head out of its comfortable narrative rhythm and into action. We’ve seen how humbling yourself can open opportunity doors that pride may have slammed shut. But what’s the context?

From up close, this may seem like a pile of broken glass, but take a step back and a mosaic appears: The moral of the fable isn’t simply that slow & steady wins the race, it’s that the Hare wasn’t competing against the tortoise － he was racing himself. In Jane’s story, she certainly encountered a few lucky breaks, but she also wasn’t above taking a job from her friend’s mother, helping with an employee transition, and sharing her technological acumen towards company goals without initial compensation － she largely suppressed her ego, remained adaptable, and played a long-game. Your RAS is invested in consistency and predictability, but you’re reading this book to change course. 

So, who are you really competing against?