You don’t have to crack jokes when facing bias or discrimination

My friends know I am not the woman to invite to a talk on imposter ‘syndrome’. Not least because you risk embarrassment as I loudly point out that the topic’s true name is imposter phenomenon.

That’s right – it’s not clinically diagnosed.

Calling it a ‘syndrome’ is a branding tweak that gained traction in the 1980s.

(By the way, the researchers who discovered the phenomenon in 1978 are frustrated that it’s been rebranded. )

The difference between syndrome and phenomenon is important:

• A syndrome is something askew inside you.
• A phenomenon is something askew in the environment around you.

Whether you prefer to name it correctly or not, there’s a big problem with imposter phenomenon:

It’s a distraction. ??

Along with confidence, it is disproportionately used as a cop-out for why women are underrepresented on boards, in management and in entrepreneurial funding alike.

It taints the solutions, twisting them away from the root causes.

It’s unhelpful to include imposter phenomenon and its derivatives in any discussion on how to fix female representation. Like Reshma Saujani, I think it’s used as a scheme . When considered in conjunction with Dr Juliet Bourke’s research on how confidence is weaponised against women , it looks downright malicious.

Women feeling like an imposter when pitching for funding or in boardrooms is mostly a by-product. It’s the logical outcome of a world that repeatedly tells and shows them they don’t belong there. In other words, it’s a symptom.

It’s not the crux of the representation problem, which is:

Overrepresentation of men in positions of power.

Unfortunately, the environment of male overrepresentation being the main root cause doesn’t matter to you if you feel like an imposter already.

If you’ve internalised the messages that made you feel that way, you’ll have your work cut out undoing the damage inflicted.

…but until we fix the environment, we’ll keep producing people who think they’re imposters when they’re not.

So, we need systemic solutions.

Cue sarcasm: No kidding! Shock horror! How unexpected!

While we’re waiting for the root causes to be fixed, what can you do to minimise the impact of imposter phenomenon on your life?

I have one suggestion I’d like you to consider:

Please stop cracking jokes to diffuse tense situations.

I’ve heard two women mention it this year while addressing (mostly female) audiences.

One talked about when she’s asked to make the coffee in an all-male meeting. Apparently, she laughs and says ‘Oh, you don’t want me doing that. I’ll mess it up.’

Another talked about when a man says something biased or discriminatory in a meeting. She responds with something like ‘You sound like my grandad. You can’t say that anymore.’ She emphasised how she laughs, I guess to lighten the atmosphere or soften the blow.

Cracking a joke might seem like a safe option. Like a neat get-out-of-jail card for raising the problem without causing a scene.

But it makes my heart sink that women feel it’s necessary.

Ladies, you do not have to play dumb, incompetent or become a comedian in these situations.

Repeat after me:

It is not your job to make those who act in a discriminatory manner comfortable.

Their feelings are not your responsibility. If someone is doing the wrong thing, you can point it out and you don’t have to gift wrap your feedback.

You don’t have to smile, deflect, or joke your way out of it.

You can say ‘That is not OK’ with a straight face and leave it there.

We are grownups. We can have difficult and uncomfortable conversations. We have to, if we want this to change.

I’m not saying this is the easy way.

It is not. It’s tough. Having done it myself many times, I would prefer to avoid it.

But pandering to egos or holding back in the name of decorum is wasteful of the opportunity to catalyse change. I wish it wasn’t suggested to masses of underrepresented people as the way to deal with the environmental side of this problem.

Now, the reason these women employ such tactics is the absence of men in the room willing to say ‘that’s not OK’ first. The woman who gave the second example above mentioned that lack. Activating male allies calling out the behaviour is critical to reduce incidence of imposter phenomenon in women.

While we’re waiting for that change, please remember: the burden of making them comfortable is not on you.

While I’m at it, another idea to consider:

It is not your job to educate those who are ignorant of their biased or discriminatory behaviour.

It’s 2023.

If someone is acting in a discriminatory way, they’ve had their head in the sand. There’s a plethora of online resources to help them learn what they’re missing and how to correct it. They just haven’t bothered to educate themselves – yet.

Asking the person experiencing bias or discrimination to do that educating is plain lazy. Do not do it.

If someone asks you to do this, you need only respond with two words: Google it. No smile or jokes needed.

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