If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say - Say It Anyway

We all went so wrong with the saying: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Or the general advice to “not rock the boat.” 

The truth is, sometimes we have to say things that may not feel so nice. And, at other times, rocking the boat is exactly what needs to be done. Especially at work. Relationships, communication, teamwork, and trust will never grow in an environment in which difficult conversations can’t happen. Tough messages, and the skills to deliver and receive those tough messages, are critical in business. Everyone has been in the position of having to say something hard, whether it’s feedback on a project, discussing appropriate or inappropriate behavior, or potentially even firing someone. And we’ve also likely been on the receiving end, too. 

The truth about difficult conversations is that when done well, they help all parties grow capacity and resilience. When done poorly, they poison the well. So, how do we do this when we’ve been conditioned to avoid it for so long? I’ve been told that I deliver hard messages like a punch in the face that feels like a hug. Most of the time, anyway.

For me, the most important thing to keep in mind when I’m delivering tough messages is intention. Now, intention doesn’t matter if the impact misses the mark. That’s why being thoughtful and planful is so important. 

Going into a conversation with a clear idea of what exactly you are trying to accomplish and why will ground your words and energy in the truth, even if it’s a hard truth. I learned this in college as a theater major: it’s called the “dramatic action.” In short, it's the reason your character exists at this moment. Without a reason, you’re just saying words or making pointless movements on stage. I think defining that dramatic action is really important because it makes your character true; it ensures there is authenticity in what you’re saying and doing. Your dramatic action is the connective tissue between words and meaning and outcomes.

I bring this thinking to my tough conversations: I am clear about my reason for the conversation. Clear with myself and the other person. Then I wrap that context around all of it.

I’m going to give a non-work example, but it’s a conversation I had recently so it’s fresh on my mind. Last week, I had a moment with my life partner. Now, like most people, we’ve been cooped up with each other for fourteen months and certain habits or behaviors have taken on a whole new life and meaning. In this case, I was having a hard time being interrupted, which happens in all of our relationships, but I was frustrated about it. 

I had to talk about it and obviously that’s a hard message to deliver (and to hear). So I started with my intention. “I love you and it is really hard to share this and I don't want to start a fight or argue. I just need you to hear me. I just need to be heard and I don’t want you to get defensive. My expectation is that from being heard, we will understand each other better and we will achieve an outcome that works for both of us.” 

Then, I said, “If you keep interrupting me all the time I’m going to put your hand in a bucket of warm water when you’re sleeping and you’ll be sorry.” Yes, that last part was comedic relief (that’s a separate trick). But the first part was authentic and provided context that I hoped would diffuse and inform the conversation. 

When you clearly state your intention, it’s a dash of practicality, a dash of vulnerability, and a whole lot of context. Ask yourself, “What do I want the outcome to be?” And then share it, “The outcome can be [this] when we're done having this conversation. It may suck while we’re going through it and you may dislike me or what I’m saying, but at the end of this, I'm hoping we can accomplish the outcome together.”

Your intention can be everything, even if your impact is less predictable. Your intention will help you choose your words and give you a shared ground with the recipient. 

Free pro tip: If your intention is negative or malicious and not productive or constructive, maybe think twice about having the conversation.