If You Don't Fit the "Stereotype" of a Domestic Violence Victim

I was speaking with a client recently who said something compelling:

"I don't fit the typical DV stereotype."

I want to explore this subject carefully...because there's really no true "type". Many men find themselves on the receiving end of abusive women.

But what she meant was she didn't fit what we normally see DV "victims" portrayed as in the media or on TV.

The popular Netflix show "Maid" comes to mind. A young, broke, relatively uneducated single mom with few options.

But what happens when you're NOT those things?

What happens when you have a successful corporate job?

Live in a comfortable home in the suburbs?

Are educated and driven? Take vacations...

But walk into work secretly feeling like a "loner" because your work bestie is talking about Taco Tuesday with her family...

And you were up until 1AM thinking about your Ex and watching another YouTube video on "the narcissist?"

What if you meet a few girlfriends for lunch on Wednesday...and hear them talking about their latest camping trip with their husbands...

While you're going home to an empty house...and wondering if it's going to be another lonely weekend by yourself?

For women who are achievers...and otherwise have it together...

But repeatedly find themselves in abusive relationships...the shame stigma can be severe.

They might plaster on a smile for friends and coworkers...but inside feel like an outsider.

I find many women deal with this shame in 1 of 3 ways:

1. They work HARDER.

They take on extra projects at work. Or stay chronically busy at home.

Which makes THEM emotionally unavailable because they’re avoiding their own feelings.

When they avoided their own feelings in a toxic relationship to stay IN that relationship.

See the pattern there?

2. They live beyond their means

I was speaking with someone recently who made a wonderful income. More than the average American according to statistics.

But she still lived paycheck to paycheck.

Women with buried shame buy things they can’t really afford: trips to Sephora, the $1200 car payment, the Costa Rica wellness retreat.

For a minute, it makes them feel better. And then a few nights later, they’re back to feeling like an outsider.

It’s like Christmas when you were a kid.

You finally got the toy you always wanted. Then a few weeks later, it was collecting dust in the corner of your bedroom.

The IRONY: living beyond your means, produces MORE shame.

And you can’t have a healthy relationship or the income you want or the lifestyle you want…

If everyday, you’re walking around with a smile plastered on your face, presenting to the world “all is great”...

But secretly feeling like a shameful loner on the inside.

3. They get “under” someone new. (Yes, women do this too)

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to who began dating again after a toxic Ex…and fell for someone even more unavailable than her Ex.

They *think* they’re ready.

They’ve done all the research.

They’ve studied all the “signs”.

They’ve worked extra hard in their career.

They’ve taken a few months off.

They got back into talk therapy. They did ALL THE RIGHT things.

On the surface.

But because they were still SUBCONSCIOUSLY feeling like an outsider…they kept unconsciously creating the same pattern in their lives.

Here’s the truth. This doesn’t get better with time. That old wives tale about getting wiser with age?

DOESN’T APPLY HERE.

You often feel MORE like something’s wrong with you because you’ve been doing all the right things…and it keeps happening.

But when you PROPERLY heal your emotional trauma and relationship wounds using evidence based methods (not talking about the past)...

When you rewire your brain using research based methods for healing complex trauma…

AND you take empowering choices out of your comfort zone week to week?

Your life can look a helluva lot better in a few short months. And radically transformed in a year.

Past clients have:

Started dream businesses

Received promotions

Received unexpected financial windfalls and raises

Fallen in love…after 30 years of narcissistic relationships…

Booked bucket list vacations

Improved IBS and fibro…without meds or constantly watching what they eat.

Stair stepped off anxiety meds

Felt the happiest they’ve ever been

Started LIVING vs. just existing.

Is all this EASY? NOPE.

What IS easy is telling yourself "it's not that bad." And living a small, stagnant life.

The "it's not that bad" story is likely the same justification you used to stay so many years with your Ex.

But don't you think you owe it to yourself to GO FOR IT? To stop existing and really start LIVING again after your narcissistic Ex?

If you're successful on the outside...but a magnet for emotionally unavailable / abusive partners on the inside...

Reach out privately over DM about Break the Cycle, my 90-day program focused on complex trauma recovery, healing your subconscious relationship wounds, reclaiming your power and radically elevating your life after narcissistic abuse.