You Do Not Belong

"You do not belong."

Those are the most heartbreaking cluster of words a person – especially any young creative person – can hear.

Sure, rejection is a part of everyone's story. But just because it's a cliché doesn't mean it's not true. Or that when it happens to you, it won't sting.

35 years ago I got a big "no" myself, just before these photos were taken for a Boston business magazine. I couldn't find a smile.

(My mom had kept these contact sheets for 35 years. I had not seen them since they were shot by Gustavo Candelas. She just gave them to me at Christmas.)

Even after gaining some nice global recognition for my firm's work, even even after winning gold from the Boston Art Directors Club, even after I thought I had proven some small amount of cred, I was left out of a big creative project featuring upcoming, young designers in the city.

"We just didn't think you were the right fit for this, Brian," the local design leader said.

Code? I hadn't gone to the same MFA program he had. Certain graduate degrees were the coin of the Design Realm in 1980s New England. Those schools helped you "fit." And I, for the first time, apparently no longer did.

Not long after, I was asked to join The Duffy Design Group, far away in Minneapolis. They had launched within the legendary ad agency Fallon and were at the start of their extraordinary role as one of the most celebrated firms in the world.

Joe Duffy said: "You belong here, in Minnesota, with us."

I so admired the people who were there. Joe, Sharon Werner, Todd Waterbury, among them.

So, goodbye Beacon Hill.

Hello, Spacious Skies and Amber Waves of Grain.

Joe's invitation changed my trajectory and my life for the better. It also changed my understanding of design. (And of snow. Jesus.)

Among the most important things I learned? I mean beside the importance of a good winter coat?

Being on the inside is an illusion.

.....

What's sad is how many designers still seek a sense of belonging by excluding others. They embrace the old idea that there must be those who DON’T belong in order for there to be those who DO.

And yet, one single experience of being left out, left behind or excluded can quickly undermine any young person’s sense of well-being. Confusion moves in on rejection's wake.

Yet, I’ve seen plenty of older designers still try to pull this shit—overtly—with young designers at the outset of their careers as well as established ones. The wrong school, the wrong background, the wrong … whatever and they’re dismissed. Mocked.

“He’s too much. She’s more of an illustrator. He didn't go to a good college. She's…difficult.” All the things, frankly, I now look for in our own people.

So if you feel rejected, I've learned what to do.

.....

First, find one other person who you like and admire. Expand that to two. Then three. Then four. Invite them all to dinner.

Now you have a community.

A sense of belonging to even a tiny community of self-selected peers will instantly improve any designer’s work, your motivation, health, and even happiness. When you can sense your link with others, you understand that everyone has struggles, everyone suffers, everyone has tough challenges and difficult times to work through.

But you won’t be alone. There will be serenity in that.

Loneliness in an age of abundant connection is our culture's tragic curse.

So ignore whoever you think the “inside circle” might be. Get any notion of “famous” or "guru" or "successful" designer out of your head. They’re often more anxiety-ridden than you are, anyway.

Instead, create a place where you’re appreciated for your own fucked up ideas, where being wrong and ridiculous is appreciated and applauded. Build a circle where others accept you for who you are. A place where they support your most insanely giant dreams because theirs are even bigger and they may even help you to reach them. Then you won’t feel so alone.

Find people who challenge you, but never feed your self-doubt. Find people who, rather than give you what they think are the right answers, instead hold up a mirror and push you to discover the answer for your own damn self. They’ll be cheering you on, waiting for you at the finish line.

Bring your worst fears inside that circle, too. And then, unlike those other circles of seeming perfection you once longed for, they will become uninteresting and irrelevant to you.

And at that point, something miraculous will happen. I’ve seen it again and again.

They will call to join YOUR circle.

And then, I hope, you will say to them: “Welcome.”

Because by that point your circle will feel like your home. And now, they’ll have to behave themselves.

Show them how.

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