"You did WHAT???!!!?" - When Your Child is the Cyberbully

Over the last few years we have raised awareness about cyberbullying all over the world. I founded StopCyberbullying Global and we run StopCyberbullying.org, etc.

We have shared that only 5% of the students between 12 and 15 would ever tell their parents when they are targeted by a cyberbully. We have also shared that far more students are tormented by their classmates and friends than anyone thought (85% of the middle schoolers told us they had been tormented online by someone they knew at least once). Luckily, parents are becoming more savvy about these things.

But few parents are prepared to tackle cyberbullying from the perspective of their child being the bully. And usually the only difference between a cyberbully and a cyberbullying victim is whomever is last to click the mouse or send from their cell phone. So, we better be prepared.

Usually the first clue we get about our kids being involved in a cyberbullying incident is a call the school or the victim’s parent. We are blindsided. We feel ambushed and unprepared. Our sweet cherubic child a bully? Never! Well, perhaps without meaning to bully anyone? Or during a careless moment? Or it must be those new kids they are hanging out with or there must be some mistake. While your brain is swirling and you are trying to remember what I said about cyberbullying on the Today Show or Good Morning America…you do what most good parents do – you get defensive.

You worry about lawyers and lawsuits. You worry about police involvement and criminal laws covering cyberbullying and harassment. You worry about your spouse’s or ex-spouse’s reaction. If your kids are attending private school, you worry that they may be kicked out or if they are attending public school you worry about expulsion, suspension and permanent records. You have no idea what to do or say. But you defend, cover and panic at the same time as you speed dial your family lawyer.

Instead, do what I tell kids to do when they are tempted to respond to a cyberbully or lash out in anger online – Take 5! Take a breath. Listen calmly (okay, fake calm). Don’t commit, just listen. Sound sympathetic (even if you are in shock and can’t feel a thing). Let them know you will call them back and that this is the first you have heard about this. Promise to look into this right away. Let them know you are taking this seriously.  And try and get the facts as they know them. What device do they believe were used? Cell phones, handheld and mobile devices, desktop gaming devices (such as Xbox) and computers can be used. It might involve an online and offline campaign. Ask why they believe your child is involved. Don’t debate things, just take notes.

Then, hang up. Head for the bathroom, stuff your mouth with a washcloth and scream. Get it out of your system, because when you face your child you have to be calm (not faking it this time), in control and thinking clearly. (It might help you to know that 70% of teens WiredSafety polled said they had cyberbullied someone else at least once.)

Tell them you received a call. Let them know what you were told. Ask them what they know about the situation. Don’t prejudge them. Often students pose as other students and cyberbully others in their name to get them into trouble. They set up each other. They steal each other’s passwords and take over their accounts. They create profiles on Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook pretending to be others in cyberbullying-by-proxy campaigns (setting up the victims to take the fall).

If your child is the target of bullying in school or is being cyberbullied himself or herself, this could very easily be their tormentor trying to get them into trouble. There are ways to prove which computer or which account sent the offending message. But sometimes you can do some simple checking of when the post or message was sent. Where your child was at that time and whether they had access to a computer or cell phone.

Even if they weren’t set up, there still isn’t reason to panic. It might not have been intentional. Many cases of cyberbullying are accidental. I call these “inadvertent cyberbullies” when they leave out words, forget smileys to denote jokes or send things to the wrong person. They were careless, not cruel. Look over the messages or posts. Could they be confusing or misconstrued? Is it possible they were meant for someone else and your child hit the wrong contact when sending it. (Many of us have done that.)

Maybe they were defending themselves. I know…”they did it first” doesn’t hold up in court, but it is understandable when someone is attacking you that you might attack back. It’s hard to keep your calm when others are saying and doing mean things to you.  It’s compounded when the weapon is loaded and aimed at the culprit, as is the case with digital technologies. Facebook is a nano second away and you can fire back. Sometimes the cyberbully is goading you to fight back and then will report you as the initiator. These are called “warning wars” or “notify wars.” They get you angry and then when you lash out they report you.

Finally, if all else fails and the facts point in your child’s direction, you may have to accept the fact that your child may have deliberately hurt someone else. This shouldn’t come as a total surprise. The first time our children push another child down or refuse to share nicely, we are appalled. After all, we raised perfect children and it’s everyone else’s child that is the problem, right? We may even believe that the first couple times. But at some point, usually when they are about 3 years old, we come to accept that our children, although otherwise perfect, may sometimes be the aggressor. It happens. And it happens in the digital world far more often than in the real world.

Don’t yell or attack. You’ll never get the facts that way. Be firm about what is wrong and what is right, but be open-minded about how things could have gotten out of control. Advise your child not to do anything except what you agree upon. They should not talk about it with anyone unless you agree. Then you’ll need to decide where to go for help.

Also, make sure things don’t get worse in the meantime. You do this in two ways:

1.      Make sure this doesn’t become a campaign against the initial target for “telling.” Often when bullying or cyberbullying starts in school and the victim seeks help from school administrators or parents the victim is ostracized by the other students for “tattling.” You have to be firm with your child that this can’t happen. Parents who might be reasonable at this stage might not be if the student body turns on their child; and

2.      Make sure your child receives help and support from a professional to make sure that they survive this emotionally as well. Self-harm is becoming more common when cyberbullying or sexting/sextortion are involved. Your child deserves your help and whatever help they need to get through this too. Cyberbullying has many victims. It hurts everyone involved.

If it’s a serious threat of bodily harm or a hacking, or if an underage sexual image is involved (a sexting image), you need to get legal advice before you do or say anything. Don’t delete anything. Don’t alter anything. Try and get the facts straight and the timeline firm. If your lawyer is great at wills and house closings, he or she may not have the skills necessary to advise you. A good criminal defense lawyer or local cyberlawyer may be the best choice.

If it’s nasty and mean, but not a credible threat, and doesn’t involve underage sexual images or hacking, you may be able to talk with the guidance counselor at school to help you gain perspective. Ask first if they have to report anything you tell them.

Check and see if the school has a cyberbullying policy that would result in your child being disciplined, suspended or expelled for their actions. If they have to take action, seek help elsewhere first.

If you know the other parents, and think they can handle this using common sense instead of the police or lawyers, reach out to them. Ask to meet face-to-face and tell them that you are taking this very seriously and are sorry for whatever happened. Don’t use email, text or WhatsApp. Don’t leave a written trail. (This may still become legal.)

Don’t drag your child along. Help the other parents understand that they don’t have to take this further because you are intent on making certain this is the first and last time this will ever happen. Be reasonable and expect to hear them complain. Then, together find a solution. And offer to help make it right by having your child remove anything offensive that was posted, and try and undo whatever they did.

If you don’t know the other parents/caretakers or if you do and fear they will blow things out of proportion, you may want to get the help of a trusted third party. Is there a favorite teacher or guidance counselor who is good at solving disputes? Do you both attend the same house of worship or use the same pediatrician? There may be someone there to help you work this out.

Are the fathers too combative? Maybe this is something the mothers can work out? Mothers screaming at each other? Fathers might have cooler heads. Maybe older siblings within both families have better rapport.

Criminal charges are becoming more frequent these days when serious cyberbullying occurs. And while I am not familiar with teens being incarcerated because of cyberbullying (unless sexting, extortion or threats are involved) the courts are taking tougher stands as they see the number of incidents increasing. So there is incentive to try and work it out before charges are filed.

Be aware that you could also be sued. Some homeowners’ insurance now covers digital aggression. See if your does.

I know it’s hard. Many stages of parenting are hard. But take the advice of a mom whose children have gotten to adulthood in one piece (relatively)…this too shall pass.